Amanda made the following observation today:
Most ostensibly anti-male stereotypes have hidden benefits for men. The stereotype that they are bumbling fools when it comes to domestic chores makes it easier for men to dodge those chores.
I’ve posted about male stereotypes before. But thinking about Amanda, I’ve been thinking about what some people call "learned helplessness" and others call "feigned incompetence."
Here’s the confession: I loathe housework. I loathe cleaning anything. It’s not that I like mess, it’s that I consider mess a small price to pay for the real benefit of not having to lift a finger to clean anything up. (Yes, I can run for hours, but the idea of scrubbing anything — even the thought of it — makes me feel faint.) As a rather difficult and truculent adolescent, I was not a helpful cleaner around the house. Indeed, early on, I developed a strategy that I’ve seen many men use, especially with domestic work: rather than refuse to do the job, do the job so poorly that the person who asked you to do it never asks again.
I am committed to not blogging in detail about my past relationships and marriages. I will say this, however: in my first two marriages, as well as in other living situations, I feigned domestic incompetence with aplomb. I would pretend to try to cook — with disastrous results for which I was profusely apologetic. I would sweep floors, but do so half-heartedly. Honestly, despite having been raised by a feminist mother, I spent YEARS — well into my twenties — resenting anyone who asked me to lift a finger around the house. I also "picked" women who would, sometimes grudgingly, accept my pleas of incompetence at face value (or at least pretend to.)
It is axiomatic in gender work that real growth involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone. Over the past six years, I have been making slow but steady progresss at gaining some degree of skill with laundry, with cooking, and with cleaning. Admittedly, that progress has come slowly. I can’t say I like to cook. (In my bachelor moments, I tended to eat out of a can over the sink. In the mid-90s, I lived in an apartment for eighteen months and never used the stove once.) There are a few meals now that I can make for my fiancee that she actually enjoys, and it gives me real pleasure to be able to give to her in that way. I may never love cooking. But I am not nearly as helpless as I once pretended to be.
For someone who considers himself so "advanced" in terms of gender issues and sexual awareness, I’m aware that one of my most disappointing traits is my high degree of comfort with traditional gender roles. Roles can be fun and exciting, of course — but for years and years, I used them to avoid work that I found unpleasant. Though I know plenty of men who do cook and clean with far more enthusiasm than I, I also know that many of my brothers are also skilled practitioners of the art of "feigned incompetence."
One resolution for 2005? Hugo will cook one meal per week. Not just open a can — but cook! I’ve had a few successes already, but it needs to become a regular habit.
Women don’t generally feign incompetence like this. Is it that we can’t afford to, do you think?
My thought on this, from my experience, is that in heterosexual relationships, men feel free to mock and criticize more openly than women do. If a mans screws up the mopping, his wife is likely to grimace and just fix it. But in the reverse, men feel free to complain when they don’t like something. God knows I find that happening in my life. I find something my boyfriend left out, I pick it up quietly. He finds something I left out, he lets me know.
I think of myself as a terrible cook, but I’ve never eaten out of a can over the sink (though when I was little, I used to fantasize about living on my own and using only paper plates and plastic forks like my Uncle Jim used to). You’re making me feel like some sort of gourmet!
I think women do feign incompetence sometimes, particularly with respect to “male” tasks (like fixing the car) that they’re not “supposed” to be good at. For example, I’m pretty sure that both my mom and a woman I was co-editor with both underestimate their own computer skills because they can get me to take care of whatever computer problems they have. I think women’s feigned incompetence often serves to stroke men’s egos.
Amanda, on the flip side, I don’t think that’s true of “older” women like myself, and that’s why so many men reject women much over thirty, no matter what we look like or how much fun we are….because they know our days for putting up with that shit are through.
I think that for me (and for a number of other people I’ve known), how you feel about cooking involves a “tipping point.” I used to find it a bit of a chore. As I did it more and more, started experimenting, started getting fresher and better ingredients, became adept at basic skills, the tricks to certain kinds of produce, etc., I started to not mind so much. Now, it’s a serious hobby–one I’m prone to spend more time and money on than I have any business spending. As a single person, I seek out events that call for me to prepare and share food so I can bask in the compliments. I contemplate new creations throughout the day that I plan to make that evening. I read cookbooks for pleasure.
I’ve certainly been guilty of feigned incompetence on other cleaning issues, though. Have to watch that.
I’m completely guilty of feigned (well, unfeigned, though I could have learned, I suppose) incompetence with mechanical things as well (although when my husband and I went through our house inspection I was the one who had learned about the mechanical systems in order to be able to understand what the inspector even talked about) (and why do I feel obligated to throw that in? hmmm). I sometimes think that the things women “feign” incompetence in are things that traditionally we have not been “allowed” to learn (thinking about women’s historical exclusion from science, for instance). To what extent is this the case for men also? I mean, there are many points in the American past where an ordinary guy (not a professional chef) cooking for his family would have faced quite a bit of resistance from other men, and probably from women (a friend of our family is still rather horrified that her precious son – who is now in his 40s, I think – is made to cook at home and that his wife just doesn’t do it all as a wife is supposed to). Yet somehow the two kinds of incompetences feel different to me, but I can’t really justify it.
Some people are extra-good at feigned/studied incompetence. My grandmother, who’d never had much of a chance to travel in her life, took a senior tour of historical colonial sites several years back. My grandfather, a farmer who’d never cooked anything in his life, was left alone for more than a day for the first time in, possibly, ever. My grandmother prepared meals for all ten days, placed them in microwavable containers suitable for single servings for *each meal* for that entire time, and left explicit microwaving instructions on each container.
My grandfather, who routinely tinkers with and repairs farm equipment as well as antique steam engines, didn’t touch any of these meals, which included some of his favorite dishes, because he “didn’t know how to work that thing” (the microwave). He has never really explained how he subsisted during that 10 days (he’s famously unwilling to discuss anything he doesn’t feel like discussing) but my grandmother has pieced together the following theory based on forensic evidence she gathered.
First, he ate all the cookies, candy, cake, and any other deserts he could find in the house. This probably kept him from hunger for the first 3-4 days. Then, he drove to Burger King (15 miles each way, there’s no fast food closer) for most, perhaps all, of his meals.
Just a technical note: “learned helplessness” actually refers to a different phenomenon. It’s what happens when your actions seem to have no effect on how things turn out, so you just become passive and helpless. It was first identified in animals, but I’ve sometimes heard it invoked to explain the defeatism of some disenfranched groups. (http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/discouragement/helplessness.html)
One word, people: housekeeper.
Thank you, Camassia — I’m afraid I picked up the usage of others, and am now compounding the error. I’ll stick to feigned incompetence, which when it comes to psychological terms, is not feigned at all.
Mainly, I’m with zuzu–for anyone who’s really as averse to any housework as Hugo seems to be here, clearly hiring and buying is the way to go. But I remember from earlier discussions here that Hugo already does some of this…
(And not to knock your resolution, Hugo, but –cooking one meal a week? How many are you planning to eat? Are you planning to eat five meals a week out (or ordered in) and your fiancee also cooks once a week? If not, what else are you planning to do to balance it out?)
I made Man of Mouse sound like he doesn’t do housework. My bad–he does. I’m just saying that the inclination for me is to be a good girl and not complain whereas he perceives it as perfectly natural to speak up when something displeases him. Gender indoctrination stuff that goes without mention but builds up over time and all that.
Man of Mouse cleans the catbox solely. I considered feigning incompetence on that issue but instead struck a deal–he cleans the catbox, I scrub the toilet.
Well, sad to say, we do eat out — too much. But my fiancee ENJOYS cooking, and wants to do it; I just want to give her a break every once in a while!
I absolutely love cooking too, so I won’t give any complaints there. But you know what’s maddening to me about the whole “feigned incompetence” and housework deal? The respect. Or shall I say, lack thereof.
See, usually both parties are working outside the home. And then, when both come home, the ‘second shift’ begins for the woman. We have our full-time jobs to do, then either a full-time job again with home maintenance, or at least the lion’s share. Now, we all have x number of years on this earth. X number of hours to do the things we enjoy, and the things that we don’t necessarily enjoy all that much, but still need doing. And women get to do a disproportionate time doing the shit-work, and get to spend far less time doing the things that are pure enjoyment.
Leisure time isn’t fluff, people. Leisure time is necessary for physical and mental health. And married women tend to have precious little of it. I see it as a respect issue. If a husband has respect for his wife, he’ll do half the shit-work, so she can have her down-time too.
“But….she likes to do all the shitwork! She finds her identity there!” Suuurrrre she does, pal. There’s a reason all those Erma Bombeck books made the best-seller list.
La Lubu:
In our household, we have a rule: whoever does not cook, washes up. I do most of the washing up around our place.
Bravo!
But you’ll know you’re really there, when after you’re married, you miss a workout (or even more than one) during the week, so your wife can go have some free time! Then, you will have arrived!
Heh heh.
Lubu! That was funny.
I really don’t like cooking unless I’m doing it for a group of people. It’s difficult to cook for 1 and 1/2 and we end up eating leftovers until they’re gone. I regularly invite my college-aged friend over for a hot meal because we have food left over.
RE: feigned incompetence. I don’t feign and have no sympathy for those that do. If I can read it, I drop everything and demand they figure it out on their own. No compassion in this corner.
Ha! That’s funny–the one “shit work” thing I do for the benefit of my man as much as myself is working out. And that is my reading time, too, so I guess it’s really more “me” time. Anyway, he complained the other day that I’m too (!) skinny. I’m still reeling. I told him to eat it, that I like the way I look. But still–too skinny?
Miss working out? Nah. Just might as well get less sleep.
I’m single, so I don’t really have to worry about this stuff, but I could really do with the housekeeper again. I had one until I lost my job last year, and it was great for me, since I work long hours. If I were with someone, I would definitely hire someone to do that.
Cooking is something I tend to do on the weekend for the entire week. I still eat out too much, because it’s easy for me to put it off because it’s just me. But it’s also something I enjoy doing for friends; I’m just afraid it would turn to drudgery if I were expected to do it every night.
This discussion reminds me of the objections my SIL’s mother had to the fact that my brother cooks, cleans, sews and writes thank-you notes. She thought it was unmanly somehow. And it’s not like we weren’t raised in a sexist home — he just decided early on that since he was into camping, it would be a survival thing for him to learn these skills (he also figured out that the male-female ratio in high-school home ec classes was favorable, for leftovers if not for dates). These skills did come in handy when he was in Kuwait during the Gulf War and was able to sew his tent flaps closed.
This reminds me of a funny conversation I had with my mom.
Me: Say, mom? If two or more partners living in a single home have different standards for cleanliness, how do you think that housework should be distributed?
Mom: I think it should be distributed equally.
Me: I’ve been thinking about it, and come to the conclusion that it’s unfair to demand that both partners share the burden equally when the benefits are not shared equally. I think that what we should do, is, if two people have two different levels of cleanliness, then both should share the burden of getting to the lower level of cleanliness equally, since they both benefit from the achievement of that level, whereas the person with the higher standard of cleanliness should be entirely responsible for achieving the neatness above and beyond the level of the more slovenly one, since the neat one gets all of the benefit and should pay all of the cost.
Mom: And what if one of the people in the house hires a maid?
Me: I… uh… suppose the maid counts as a contribution by the person who hires her. And… I suppose if there are three or more people living together, then they could all pitch in at achieving any level of cleanliness at or below their own level, so if three people have three levels, all three of them work to achieve the lowest level equally, the neater two work equally to achieve the middle level, and the neatest one works alone to achieve the highest level…
Mom: Would you please just go out and rake the back yard?
Hugo, I probably feel the same as you about housework (I hate it!) And feigned incompetence is probably not just a gendered thing, as I’m sure that many same-sex roomates have this problem.
So what’s the difference between me and you? As a woman, I’m subject to judgment from others in a way that you are not. When people see my dirty kitchen, they don’t blame my husband (even tho it’s his chore to clean it!) They blame me.
I’ve long had the notion that housecleaning/homemaking issues are tied to body issues. Culturally, it’s up to women to maintain a sense of order and control and balance in every aspect of their appearance. (Which would explain practically every women’s magazine I see in the checkout aisle…) Fat, slobby men, while not exactly exalted, are given a lot of leeway. Fat, slobby women? People pretend they don’t exist, let alone have any value.
Barbara, that could be a whole ‘nother topic in and of itself! My mother still says to me, inevitably, before I go anywhere…”you’re going out like that?!” meaning, I haven’t brushed and straightened and hairsprayed my hair into an acceptable sculpture. Or wearing jeans to church….any damn fool that glares at me during Mass for my jeans gets a glare back. Because 99% of the men under 50 wear jeans to Mass, and no one glares at them….it’s practically Hallelujah time, because they’re men and they showed up. When my daughter was born, I started wearing clothes compatible with baby puke to church, and I haven’t looked back—now my clothes are compatible with greasy fingerprints and pushing swings at the park after Mass. Frankly, I think I’m more likely to meet God at the park than at the dry cleaners, so these uppity types can pucker up, ykwim?
And don’t get me started on “fat, slobby women”….you know, a man has to be almost circus-exhibit heavy before he will be called “fat and slobby”, whereas if a woman gains five pounds, she’s a “pig”. The standards are wholly different.
It’s funny (not haha) that this discussion has centered around cooking. It seems that in most heterosexual domestic arrangements women do the cooking yet in the professional world of food prepartion men hold the majority. Female chefs are a rarity and the culinary world is notoriously hostile towards women. Odd. Still, if you look at catalogs for kids toys (PB Kids, Land of Nod, etc.) all the little kitchen playsets are inhabited by girls but their chances at making a living in the kitchen when they get older are slim at best. I think that’s crappy.
Now that cooking is trendy, you’ll see a lot more men getting into it. Particularly with couples I know who don’t have children, the man will do much, if not most, of the cooking. And everyone will praise it lavishly, of course.
I do most of the cooking at my house, but everyone is just as amazed as if I were a man, for some reason. I’m the exception to the rule that women don’t get much attention for their cooking. It has a lot to do with my personality, I guess.
My husband and I split the cooking evenly. We alternate days, and if someone doesn’t feel like cooking on a specific day then we’ll scrounge for leftovers or order pizza. The person who didn’t cook washes the dishes (well, puts them in the dishwasher, anyway).
This works much better than the previous arrangement, which was that whoever got hungry first would cook, which led to resentment and very very late dinner times.
Other household chores are a bit less neatly arranged, because we live with three other people. For a while we had a chore rotation where we’d each have a different chore each week, but that didn’t work well because certain people were not home as often as others, and therefore felt they didn’t need to do chores, and then the person on that chore for the next week would be very annoyed.
Then we hired a friend to come clean, but she got too busy.
Now we’re trying having each person do the chore they mind least. I’m in charge of vacuuming the downstairs, someone else cleans the kitchen, another person deals with the bathroom, and so forth. This seems to be working better, although if there were a chore that everyone hated it would be a problem. I think more people in the house definitely makes it more likely that someone won’t mind a specific chore. Re: varying standards of cleanliness, we’ve got a minuimum cleaning frequency of once a week (which reminds me, I haven’t actually vacuumed yet. I should do that).
My peeve is these stacks of stuff (board games, papers) all over the floor and desk in the study, which is where I spend all day since I’m telecommuting. I can’t put them away because Husband will be annoyed if I put them in the basement and there really isn’t anywhere else for them to go. He keeps saying he will do something about this (and write some thank-you notes) but has not (although he has written one note). I think it’s ultimatum time.
Let him get annoyed, Tiger Spot. If they’re dusty, he’s not using them and he’s not properly valuing them (can you tell I watch Clean Sweep a lot?).
all the little kitchen playsets are inhabited by girls but their chances at making a living in the kitchen when they get older are slim at best.
Oh, but they will, because they’ll catch a man, then their kitchen duty will help them hold on to him and they will live happily ever after.
I’ve actually noticed this feigned incompetence phenomenon rampant among professional women. Very few of us admit to having any kind of household skills as if being able to boil water would somehow take away from our ability to run a Fortune 500 company. Personally, the very idea of cleaning makes me sad, so I have someone else do it. I like to cook but rarely have the time, so we eat out a lot. As for my vehicle, I have it serviced by the dealer because the engine is encased and it’s just a big pain to get to anything in there. I chopped my own hot rod but that’s a hobby so I don’t think that counts. Whenever I’ve attended professional women’s association events, one of the topics at the lunch/dinner table is how very incompetent we are at being “domestic†to the point where it is a point of pride.
“This is excellent seared tunaâ€Â
“I wouldn’t even be able to prepare a tuna saladâ€Â
“Well, I don’t even know what to do with a can of tuna other than open itâ€Â
“I don’t even know where my Williams-Sonoma can opener is in my kitchenâ€Â
“Kitchen, what’s that?â€Â
“…Yet somehow the two kinds of incompetences feel different to me, but I can’t really justify it.”
I think they are different when you look at the unspoken assumptions about women’s work and men’s work. Men don’t do (or feign incompetence in doing) women’s work because it’s presumed beneath them. Women don’t do (or feign incompetence in doing) men’s work because it’s presumed they can’t do it. With regard to the professional women referenced above, they are adopting male values by scorning women’s work and feigning incompetence in those areas. Just think of the difference between the phrases “that’s women’s work” and “that’s a job for a man.”
Feigned incompetence is one of the most irritating traits, in my opinion. I wouldn’t even considered it growing up because I’d have been ridiculed and made to repeat the unpleassant task until it was satisfactory. It’s very disrespecful. If you are that averse to something, you owe it to your partner to talk about it and find a solution.
Now that my betrothed has moved in, I’m eating better because she likes to cook. The house gets messier quicker & her cleanliness standards are below mine, except for the kitchen sink. She won’t mop floors or make the bed. I can live with being the mopper, bed-maker, and back-up cook. We split the laundry chores. One of the reasons why we work well together is we try to adapt to the other. For example, she cleans her dog’s feet so he doesn’t drag mud in from the yard even though she doesn’t care if the floor is dirty.
I find something my boyfriend left out, I pick it up quietly. He finds something I left out, he lets me know.
And he complains that you’re too skinny. Time for a little Clue Klatsch?
Women’s feigned incompetence has more to do with the male ego. Yes, there are women who get upset if their male partners are better at cooking, cleaning, childcare, and so forth. But there isn’t that added, sick idea of “a BROAD was better than you at this,” which is the subtext in a sexist culture.
It’s not just chores, either–women are supposed to be shorter, smaller, weaker, earn less, younger, less sexually experienced, and so on, lest their male partner be tagged as pussywhipped. A man who lowers himself to female tasks is, to women, a hero (the stereotypical bachelor who delights the ladies with his cooking); a woman who does male tasks is admirable in the abstract, for moving UP, but you certainly don’t want your wife to be better than you at barbecuing or fixing the carburetor.
You don’t often hear men say things like “I kept asking Jane over and over again to change the oil, and she would blow it off, or leave the filter on loose so I had to do it over again. Finally I just started paying the quick-change place to do the maintenance and we’re both happier!” But women are routinely advised that the solution to an intransigent, selfish male partner is to hire the work out.
(Which is not to say that housekeeping, or cooking, is inherently something one mustn’t hire out.)
You also see a lot of wailing about the death of home cooking, full-time parenting, volunteering, and other traditional women’s work. Women have slacked off, and men didn’t pick it up.
I’ve managed to save up roughly $28266 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?
I’ve managed to save up roughly $28266 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?
Julian Elson: “if two people have two different levels of cleanliness, then both should share the burden of getting to the lower level of cleanliness equally”
Perfect.