I’m on hiatus — at least from substantive blogging — until August 28. Until then, I’m reprinting favorite posts from 2004 and 2005.
We had a good discussion this morning in women’s history about something that for years I’ve been calling the "triangle of desires." We’ve been talking about changing sexual behavior in the 1920s and 30s as a result of cultural and technological innovations like the automobile, the movies, and the greater availability of contraception. Using my favorite text, Joan Brumberg’s The Body Project, we’ve been talking about the ways in which young women in the 1920s — and today — struggle with conflicting and contradictory messages about their sexuality. Brumberg uses the diary of a woman she calls "Yvonne Blue"; Yvonne wrote at length about her adolescent sexual experiences in the late 20s and early 30s:
Despite her honesty with herself about the pleasures of petting, Yvonne was not totally at ease with her emerging sexuality. Although petting was commonplace among adolescents of her age and class, she still worried about her reputation, because she knew that she had a lower opinion of other girls whenever she found out about their sexual exploits… Because Victorian notions of propriety still had some resonance for her, Yvonne felt the need to clarify in her diary just how far she had gone. "I’m still technically a ‘nice girl’", she wrote, but she vacillated between feeling guilty and happy about the experiences she had. "Once in awhile I feel slightly ashamed of myself for indulging in the greatest American sport but something must be the matter with me because while I think it’s wrong I really, really can’t feel that it is". (Emphasis in original).
Yvonne wrote that in 1930. Three quarters of a century later, I saw more than a few young women nodding their heads in vigorous agreement when I asked whether Yvonne’s words could have been written by young women today. Several of them admitted that like Yvonne, they too had a "lower opinion of other girls" who had "gone too far". Others admitted that like Yvonne, they felt both shame and pleasure together, and often had difficulty reconciling the two.
The phrase "triangle of desires" describes, I think, the experience of many young people, especially women, when it comes to sexual decision-making. Triangles have three points. Young women, in Yvonne’s era and now, may often struggle with three different sets of desires making different demands upon them. For one, they’ve got the desires of their male partner (presuming heterosexuality) with which to contend. In a culture where we expect young women to set the limits of sexual activity, many girls are trying very hard to manage and control the desires of their boyfriends. At the same time, these young women have their own very real desires, both sexual and emotional. Those wants and needs may, or may not, be in synch with the fellows with whom they are sharing a bed — or a back seat. And of course she’s also internalized the third point on the triangle, the desires of what I call "the them": her parents, her church, her peers and so forth. Trying to enjoy oneself when one has all of these conflicting messages racing through one’s head can be, I suggest, immensely difficult!
I am not saying that all young women experience this "triangulation of desires." I’m also not suggesting that young men don’t experience something at least somewhat similar. But I do think that in a culture that, since the 1920s at least, has suggested that the ideal women is both "sexy" and "virginal", both a "nice girl" and "exciting", a cruel double bind has left countless young women struggling with feeling overwhelmed and ashamed. Is it any wonder that a great many young women, both in the 1920s and now, report that alcohol plays a vital role in sexual decision making? When the backseat (or the bedroom) is crowded with so many different and competing voices, all making impossible and contradictory demands, a certain level of intoxication can provide a welcome and blessed — if only temporary — relief.
Though I talked about this with my students today in terms of the shifting moral landscape of the 1920s, I’m going to work this in to some future discussions with my kids at youth group. I want them to acknowledge that an ethic that simply emphasizes "doing what you want" isn’t very helpful when so many of us carry within us these competing and conflicting longings. I realize that though I am not prepared to argue for abstinence (yet), I’m prepared to say that my kids, both boys and girls, deserve to experience sex without being overwhelmed by various and contradictory voices vying for their attention. They deserve to have sexual experiences where both parties are fully present (meaning not intoxicated) and where they aren’t haunted by the spectres of disapproving grandmothers or pastors or classmates.
One of my married students pointed out today that even as a married woman having married sex, she still sometimes felt guilty, still wondering what her grandmother would think! The stories I’ve heard over the years suggest that her experience is very, very common. (Gosh, the expression on the faces of some of the girls whom I know to be advocating abstinence when they heard her share that — priceless!) It’s important to remember that waiting till marriage is not a magic bullet that destroys sexual guilt and shame and self-doubt; our psyches don’t recover easily from the traditional message of "sex is dirty, save it for someone you love"!" The abstinence-only crowd doesn’t explain that postponing sex in many cases simply postpones (rather than eradicates) these feelings of shame and inadequacy.
That’s not a defense of promiscuity, either. What we continue to need is more dialogue, among women, among men, and between the sexes, about issues of desire and responsibility. We need to do a better job of making young men stewards of their own sexuality, just as we need to do a better job of allowing young women to experience their sexuality without shame.
Is this what I’m supposed to be doing in a college classroom? In a youth group? Judging by the responses I get, and the interest it generates, I suspect it is. I surely hope so. But Christ almighty, sometimes it feels like a hell of a lot of responsibility. Then again, I volunteered with enthusiasm.
I’ve rambled enough. I’m off.
Originally posted May 10, 2005
I remember when you drew the diagram for this on the board, labelng the points of the triangle with the three different “voices” in women’s heads. It was so provacative and so accurate!
But the sentence you underline makes me wonder if you are being tougher on guys. Women are sexual creatures too, and if we are sexual, don’t we need to be “stewards” of that sexuality as much as men? Sometimes it seems you are so eager to correct injusticies that you go to the opposite extreme.
BriBri, I think Hugo is saying that women are already taught to be “stewards” of their own sexuality while men are not. And they need to find a middle ground: one where woman are freed from the resulting guilt and anxiety and where men are taught to be more responsible for their sexual actions.
Also: I remember being very upset by this double standard when I was younger. While I had the same desires as my boyfriends, they didn’t seem to express any sense of guilt, shame, or even responsibility when it came to their sexual desires. They just kept pushing forward as far as they could go, and for some reason it was up to me (alone) to define our sexual boundries. I hated that. Eventually I chose to let go of the guilt, I forgot about “the them,” and I made decisions based on a combination of my own feelings and desires.
Part of that “decision-making” included choosing boyfriends that were respectful and that had similar values. That way, whatever we did was “our choice,” and not just his choice or my choice. (Not to say I didn’t make any mistakes or poor judgements of character after that, but that’s another story.)
Nicely put, Arrow — you answer the criticism of the double standard better than I would have.
Arrow, I often talk about the “traffic light discourse” with my students. If you wait long enough at a red light, it will turn green. Too many young men are acculturated to wait for the boundaries to be set by their female partners, confident that eventually, if they persist, red will become green and no will become yes. It is annoying to have to play the part of the traffic light.