Lauren not only designed this blog, she’s inspiring two posts from me today. Yesterday, our Indiana friend posted about her own church camp experience. She talks at length about one particularly creepy counselor, a man who was regularly and stunningly sexually inappropriate. Lauren shares some anecdotes, and notes that he acted out in full view of
other adults, all of whom were, as mentioned, too nice to say anything about how grossly inappropriate all of this was.
That strikes a nerve with me. I’m a veteran church youth volunteer; I help lead Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon teen groups. I’ve gone on many, many weekend retreats. And I’ve written at length about the importance of good, loving boundaries with teenagers. (See here, here, here.)
But I’m also prone to bouts of niceness. Yes, I watch my own behavior around teenagers very carefully; I make sure that I get regular feedback from other adult volunteers who see me hug and pat and “love on” the boys and girls with whom I interact. But reading Lauren’s post, I am struck by how trusting I am of my fellow volunteers! Let me be clear that I have absolutely no reason to doubt the integrity of any of them. I’ve never witnessed any inappropriate behavior — yet on the other hand, I’m not as zealous about checking up on my colleagues as I am in monitoring my own interactions with the teens. And like many people, I don’t like confrontation one bit. Challenging a peer — or a church leader — would not be easy. But I’d like to think that if I saw an adult behave inappropriately with one of our teens, I would intervene quickly. I’m hoping my desire to protect the vulnerable would trump my eagerness to maintain a “nice and pleasant” atmosphere.
In a comment below Lauren’s post, Thomas writes:
I’m very concerned at accounts I have read over the years about people knowing of and ignoring adults with a history of sexually charged behavior with and access to children. It is my experience that people can turn their heads more easily when nobody requires them to take responsibility. I recommend the following question:
“Will my child have contact with anyone here that you have reason to believe may be sexually attracted to children?â€
Anyone with a brain knows that if they have been ignoring the rumors about Mr. Davis, and they say no, then their ass is now on the hook in both a moral and likely a legal sense.
It’s a tough question for a parent to ask, but I’d be pleased if a parent asked it of me or any other youth leader at All Saints. Thinking of my fellow volunteers and youth pastors, I’m completely confident I could give a hearty “no”. I wouldn’t be offended by the question at all, even if was directed at me personally. Asking direct questions like this set a clear tone: it makes it evident that the protection of children and teens is more important than avoiding putting adults on the spot. It makes it clear that parents expect that the adults to whom they entrust their young people will do more than simply refrain from harming their kids. A parent who asks the question Thomas suggests makes it clear that he or she is holding those of us who work with youth accountable. And I welcome that accountability, and am committed to living it out.
We had our final youth group meeting of 2006 on Wednesday night. We had a Christian rock band, Transistor Radio do a gig for the teens. We had tacos and Christmas cookies and a gift exchange. And we had lots of laughter, lots of hugs, and a bit of gentle “moshing” as the band performed. And when it came time to say goodbye until 2007, there was a lot of hugging. As I’ve written before, I don’t foist my embraces on anyone — but when hugged, I hug back with warmth and exuberance and enthusiasm. The kids I work with know that if they need to be held, I will hold them. They know that if they need me to keep my space while they talk, I can do that too. And I know that whatever I’m doing is seen by the wider community, and I welcome their queries or concerns. Lauren’s post reminds me that I can’t forget I also have a job to lovingly watch how my colleagues interact with our kids, and be fearless about challenging anything that seems out of place.
Serious question- (somewhat relevant very important though regardless) in your post regarding the maturing libido you made the implication that age disparate attraction on the part of men is actually emotionally immature. So would you then conclude that a young woman (even a 30 something with little experience that I know) attracted to an older man is going to recieve little to none of the emotional stability and maturity that she’d expected in an older man she just recently met? It seems from her experience as I witnessed it- one she met months ago had far, far less maturity than the average 30 something and his age was merely a sort of spiritual tromp l’oiel- due to him actually allowing his younger friends (severly immature, even more so than he)to be his primary council and treat her vastly more poorly than an even younger man that she, would have. I find this link fascinating between his age/attraction to her and your implication that it was a preindicator of what was to come astounding and I’d love for you to comment on this general phenomenon/your observations- at the risk of requesting yet another popular post on older men/younger women. You concentrated on just far younger women before, yet I feel this last post I read regarding maturing libido implies a whole lot more, that’s super relevant and possibly a warning shot to many women reading here. Thanks.
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Given my experiences with church camps, I hope you’re also keeping an eye on the kids and how they interact with each other. Particularly in the middle of the night.
Yes, we are. That’s a tricky one, of course. My biggest fear is creating an environment in which sexual assault can happen. We’re pretty good about creating a safe environment, but you never know.
Given my experiences with church camps, I hope you’re also keeping an eye on the kids and how they interact with each other. Particularly in the middle of the night.
That is, of course, a much trickier issue. When youngsters are housed together, keeping watch on them all the time is very difficult. It seems to me that the only effective way to prevent children from being abused or exploited by their peers is to create an environment where they are comfortable promptly reporting any intimidation or abuse. That, and treat seriously reports that a particular kid was a victimizer.
One could imagine a camp that watched kids so closely that they never got a chance to kiss another camper or even masturbate. One can imagine such a camp, but would you want to send your children to have “fun” in the Panopticon?
Hugo, you are “mildly metrosexual”? That’s like saying RuPaul and Divine are “mildy transgendered.”
Three dollar bill pal. Heck, even teenage students at PCC see it.
I completely agree with you about parents asking direct, possibly discomfiting questions. One of my great fears for parenthood is that my kids might be victimized this way. It was too common for my generation, and it’s not gotten better.
A friend recommended that I read Gavin DeBecker’s Protecting the Gift, wherein he provides a boatload of concrete advice (his book for adults, The Gift of Fear, should be ready by every woman and a healthy number of men). In the course of the book, he occasionally throws in suggested text for letters to daycare providers, interview questions for babysitters and camp directors, and similar language designed to gauge those charged with the safekeeping of your kids. They are brilliantly direct and simple. And as you suggested, these care providers are generally glad that the parents care enough to make sure. And the ones who aren’t – who hedge or gloss over things, provide highly useful information by their very avoidance.