It’s been nearly a year since I put up my two posts about student crushes. My stats tell me that next to queries about older men, younger women (my archive on that is here), nothing brings me more hits than the subject of unrequited student longing for their professors.
The two posts I’ve written on that subject said most of what I wanted to say at the time. But both posts continue to get comments, both here and at my old blog. Lots of students write in for advice. (I note, checking IP addresses, that a disproportionate number of those commenting are from the UK. Is there something about the lecturer-student relationship that seems more enticing in England than here? I’ll have to ask my brother.) Most of the question are of the general “what do I do?” sort.
This comment at my old blog is typical. Some excerpts:
I’ve been on the edge of my seat for my (married) geology professor for about two months now. I’m feeling sad that this quarter is almost over because I fear the anxiety of not being able to see him anymore. I’m so glad that I found this blog because I was starting to feel very deviant and out of the norm… i’m not even thinking about my grade, i could fail that class and still want him. i’m going crazy and i thought about just telling him how i feel, or just teasing the shit out of him. i don’t know what to do. it takes so much for me to snap back into reality and know that it’s wrong for many reasons…want him to know that I want him without having to say anything. I don’t even care if I get turned down. I just want him to know that he’s wanted.
Ten days ago, “Heartbroken” wrote:
I seriously have a problem about this whole issue…Now I’m in the middle of a crush on one lecturer, and me being the class representative, I’ve had a lot of contact with him. It’s really painful to see him everyday, and I really want to talk to him about it to make it easier to deal with. Exams are over, so there won’t be a problem with him giving me any more grades. Is it unfair of me to talk to him about this? He is married, and I am aware that i might have this crush because he’s just such a brilliant character… I really don’t know what to do, any advice will be considered.
Bold emphases are mine.
And last month, a random student wrote:
How do you know if a student has a crush on you? Im just wondering cos i’ve had the biggest crush on my teacher for months now, and I really dont want him to know…
I stand by the theory of student crushes I offered a year ago: that we tend to fall for people who embody qualities we want in ourselves. Students fall for their professors and teachers not because we are, in and of ourselves, unbearably desirable; they fall for us because we expose them to new ideas and possibilities. They love the way we make them feel, and they understandably confuse an attraction to what we do for them with an attraction to us as individuals. I’m honestly convinced that covers the vast majority of “common crushes”.
The questions above revolve around two main issues we haven’t touched on before: can professors tell when students have crushes on them? And should students, like “Heartbroken”, talk to their objects of their infatuation about the crush itself, either to see if it’s reciprocated or to get some sort of help in working through their feelings?
I can’t speak for all my colleagues around the globe, but I can say that this professor doesn’t expend a lot of energy wondering if a particular student has a crush on him or not. I know full well that an outer appearance of excitement and attentiveness can mean many things! It can be a calculated act designed to send a message that the student is listening, whether that’s true or not. (And word to my students: don’t nod appreciatively every time I make eye contact with you. It often looks forced. Once in a while is fine, but every time, it seems, well, a bit fake.) The attentiveness can mean — indeed, I always hope it means — a genuine interest in and excitement about the subject. And it can mean an excitement about the subject mixed with an attraction to the professor/teacher/lecturer himself or herself. I’ve been at this gig for just about fifteen years, and I’ll be darned if I can tell easily what’s going on inside a student’s head. In a world where so many young people have been trained to flatter, it’s difficult if not impossible to assess motive merely from a student’s smiles and body language.
Of course, this doesn’t mean I think most of my students are frauds! Far from it. I just don’t spend a great deal of time wondering what it is that my students think about me. By definition, good teachers are more concerned with what the student is learning than with whether or not their student likes ‘em or not. And on those occasions when a crush does become obvious, I always remember, as I wrote last year, that it’s not about me: it’s about an experience the student is having as a result of encountering the material I’m presenting. Even if they think it’s about me rather than the class, in the end, it’s usually about their own excited response to the material.
Bottom line is this: I don’t think most of us can tell what our students are thinking. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s that we lack the ability to discern among many different possible reasons for excitement and interest. And the wise among us know that we don’t need to know. Our students aren’t here to feed our egos.
As for telling the professor about a crush of which he may or may not already be aware, I tend to think that’s generally a bad idea. (I said “generally”, not “always”.) Obviously, for a whole host of academic reasons, it’s a bad idea to broach the topic while you’re a student in his class. I note that the two professors who are the objects of student crushes in the quoted sections above are both married. Confessing a strong attraction to a married person is, I think, just about always a fundamentally selfish thing to do. Whether or not their marriage is on a firm foundation, basic decency compels us to respect the commitments that those around us have made. That applies universally. (At the risk of going off on a tangent, let me make it clear that I really dislike it when people say to each other things like “Oh, if I were single…” or “If only you weren’t married…” Just saying the words is an act of hostility towards a married person and their spouse. It’s not an excuse to protest “But I would never act on it!” Fidelity is about what we say as well as what we do, and expressing strong sexual or romantic attraction to someone who’s “taken” is low-grade adultery!)
Sometimes students tell their professors about their crushes in the apparently sincere hope that the prof will help them “work through” their feelings. This has happened to me a time or three, though less often now than in the past. While some students clearly are hoping to spark a romantic relationship, others tend to see their teacher as a resource with whom they can “process” their feelings. Of course, it’s hard if not impossible to work through a crush with the object of the crush. It sounds good in theory, but in practice, it’s nigh on impossible.
I learned to be very respectful of those students who confessed crushes to me. I don’t belittle them or tease them or berate them. At the same time, I am very good about not encouraging the crush. And that often means affirming the student’s very real and intense feelings, and then gently redirecting that student towards a counselor or a therapist (we have plenty right here on campus.) The “affirm and redirect” strategy is by far the best approach a teacher can take when faced with a love-struck student.
One of the things I’ve really come to understand about teaching: it’s a one-way street. I am here to lecture, to challenge, to provoke, to nurture, to push. I love what I do, and I love my students very much. I am committed to them, devoted to them, even when I have far less time to offer them individually than I would like. And I know that they have a wide variety of responses to me, ranging from complete apathy to outright adoration, from moderate enthusiasm to genuine hostility, from vague dislike to erotic infatuation. I can know that because I teach hundreds and hundreds every year, and the chances are damn good that some are gonna love me, some are gonna hate me, and the great majority won’t have any strong feelings at all. But in the end, my teaching isn’t conditional on my students’ feelings about me. When I was younger and more insecure, I did worry about what my students thought about me as a person, about whether they thought I was “cool”; my teaching suffered as a result. Blessedly, age and experience and transformation has changed all that.
I love that my work is a “one-way street”. Because I get my needs met elsewhere, I don’t need to bring my neediness into the office, into the classroom. I am here for my students, they are not here for me; my sense of self is grounded in my relationship with Christ, in my amazing marriage, in my family and friends and my sense that I am climbing a mountain God wants me to climb.
First I think any teacher who thinks they are getting nothing from thier students during the teaching experience and that it is a “one way” street is a teacher I would recommend re-examing and trying to remember the joy and buzz from teaching, from being personally challenged, from the high of seeing someone “get it”.
But moving on, it seems to me that students and teacher crushes are very similar to transference with occurs with therapists and counselors (you know, the ones you send them too). And if therapists and conselors can figure out how to handle it, I am pretty sure the people getting paid because in theory they have degrees which say they know how to study a subject and then pass on that information can manage it too. Don’t worry, I am sure that team captains, coachs and any authority figures for people away from home for the first time are getting crushes too (which is why in Britian the intimacy of the tutor system sort of encourages this – I can’t imagine anyone having a “crush” on a lecturer, someone droning on for 2 hours without the chance of questions or interuptions in front of 100+ students).
I think the question here isn’t about egos or selfishness (because if you are taking a salary and/or blogging about teaching then clearly there is some aspect of the self) – but about boundries, setting emotional boundries with students, making it clear that you can talk about things but that the boundries are not there, that you do not have public “favorite students”, that you can talk in a place with open doors about a student’s feels from depression to love but that while you care about them as a human being, you cannot solve thier problems, but if they trust you, you might be able to send them to someone who can help them to help themselves, or at least give them support. And while none are mindreaders, I don’t see a problem in noticing behavior patterns and simply asking, “Is everyting okay?”, “Are you going through a rough time?” or in the case of the student that stays consistantly after class and consistantly enters your body space, “There is something I wanted to talk to you about…” like how you are not culturally comfortable with him/her entering your body space and was wondering if they would work with you on that.
Considering what some people have written to you, I feel really fortunate that my own crushes on professors feel inconsequential to me. Exciting, yes, and I’m aware of the feelings, but I really don’t think about taking them further.
One problem with confessing a crush to a professor and expecting them to be the “mature” one is that you might find out your professor isn’t any better equipped to handle your crush than you are. You quite likely have an idealized view of the professor, who may very well be a completely emotionally immature jerk. Sure, they might go to bed with you – which is fraught, but probably what you want – but they might, instead, freak out, or be pissy towards you, or totally unpleasant, or whatever. And if they’re ready to go to bed with a student, they’re probably a jerk anyway. It’s best not to encourage people to behave unethically if you can possibly help it.
Elizabeth, what you describe in your second paragraph is very much what I try to accomplish.
Hi Hugo,
Been reading your blog for a couple weeks now – great stuff. Thanks for writing.
I think you’re speaking on the emotional level when you refer to teaching as a “one-way street”. On that score I’d agree. While I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to approach any relationship with zero emotional self-interest, professor/student is seriously power-imbalanced and it’s not healthy for a professor to bring significant unexamined emotional neediness or baggage.
I just hope you wouldn’t extend the “one-way street” to intellectual terrain. Any professor who believes their class to be an intellectual one-way street is a professor I’d avoid. I don’t get the sense that’s your model of pedagogy, though.
Yes, Carl, you’re right — intellectual give and take is vital and exciting. And I do disclose, both here and elsewhere, a lot about me. But no question, I am convinced that my students are not here to meet my emotional needs. Teaching fulfills me; that’s worlds away from saying individual students are needed to gratify me and validate what I do. I enjoy positive feedback, but don’t seek it out overtly or covertly.
This is going to sound somewhat horrible, but I’m glad that the vast majority of my professors are old, married, unattractive guys. It is very easy to seperate the infactuation with the subject, respect for the teacher from an infactuation with the professor when the professors illicit no physical response.
Warning, wall of text incoming!
I just wish to share my experiences as well, another perspective on this subject. Each year the university I attend hires an official “tutor†(a student who has taken the course and has a vast understanding) to help students that need extra help or need questions answered related to the university’s organic chemistry courses. This gives students the opportunity to have questions answered using slightly different language than if they were to go to the professor, or to have a concept explained from a different perspective. Anyway, I was this tutor for 4 semesters, and I prepared two supplementary lectures each week of 90 minutes each to help the students. Past semesters the tutor had just stood up in front of the class and said, “questions?â€, and most students got very little from that. Almost anyone that has taken organic will be able to tell you that there are some times when you are learning it, in which you are truly so confused that you don’t even know how to ask the right question or a cohesive question, and having had this same issue as I took the course 2 years prior, I elected to turn it more into a lecture than solely a Q&A session.
To be sure that I gave out correct information and that it came out cohesively, I rehearsed my lectures before hand, the result being that my lectures came out very eloquently and well-constructed, and many students found them very helpful. A few students found “me†to be helpful, and developed crushes, and I unfortunately was not aware enough of what was going on to see student crushes on me in the way Hugo does, as the teacher being the embodiment of what the student wants to become (though I will add I am of course no “professorâ€, and I am younger than most of these students*, which changes the dynamics a bit).
One semester there was low attendance to one of my sessions, but one girl came every week regardless of whether or not she had questions or concepts she didn’t understand. Every exam she did well (I was also a TA, so I graded exams, and thus saw her grade when I was entering them). She was headed to med school, so I assumed she simply wanted to have a very good understanding of organic chemistry, when the actuality was that she came each week because she could be near me, and I would do my lecture to one person essentially, adding to her feeling of personal attention from me. Whereas some people probably feel as if the professor is speaking solely to them in a large lecture hall, this girl actually was the sole person in a big lecture hall!
I had a girlfriend at the time, and she knew this, because my girlfriend would come pick me up after my evening lecture sometimes, so they met each other. Partway through the semester, we broke up though, and word got around to the woman who came every week, and she became much more aggressive, or perhaps overt is a better word. I was unreceptive to her advances until near the end of the semester, when we began dating. Though I did not learn this until later, she had a long-distance boyfriend during this whole semester. She left him to be with me, I suppose believing that since he didn’t know about her crush that had lasted the entire semester, it wouldn’t hurt him. This bothered me a lot when I later learned of it, but I’ll save the full details of that for another time. We enjoyed a reasonable relationship for a few months, after which it deteriorated, because in the relationship I was no longer the eloquent and strong “professorâ€, I was an equal (as I should be, though that did not suit her well). The eloquence I demonstrated in my teaching position was expected to be everywhere in my life, and it was certainly not there, much as Hugo said in one of his past entries on this subject.
I desire to be a chemistry professor, and I hope that having these experiences will positively influence my quality of teaching and the quality of interaction my students have with me, and I am glad that I learned earlier rather than later.
*I am in the opposite situation than most older professors. I was 17 at the time, and my university has more non-traditional students that most schools, and thus the average age is older than most schools. It was quite an experience to have 30 year old students getting crushes on me. I looked much older than my actual age, and the facial expressions when they learned my actual age were priceless!
As always Hugo, well written.
Great post– as one who is both a (psych) graduate student and a teacher can attest.
In Buber’s words, from his essay, Education, authentic connection is made possible through clear boundaries, integrity and self- awareness. “Every form of relation in which the spirit’s service of life is realised has its special objectivity ….Consider the relation of doctor and patient. It is essential that this be a true human relation experienced with the spirit by the one who is addressed; but as soon as the helper is touched by the desire–in however subtle a form–to enjoy his patient… the danger of a falsification arises, besides which all quackery appears peripheral.”
The key is to keep an observer awareness, like a hawk which has a wide range of vision. The greatest love seems indifferent: it is the direction of helping a student connect with “the beginning”, their own ground of transformation.
marginally related to this thread, and on the first page of your rmp site, allegedly from one of your students:
“Very challenging professor, very interesting classes. Odd mix of left-wing/right-wing politics. He openly admits he used to sleep with his students before his Christian conversion. (Some of us wish he still did!) Seriously, at his best he’s mesmerizing, but you do have to show up and do the work. Lots of reading, and he does test on it.”
Here, you wrote “I learned to be very respectful of those students who confessed crushes to me…I am very good about not encouraging the crush.”
In the past, (I suppose before your Christian conversion) did you form relationships with the students who came to you and admitted their crushes? Is your understanding of proper student/ teacher relationships informed by making these mistakes in the past yourself, or just a result of your training in what is/ isn’t appropriate in teaching. I know you write a lot about a colorful past lifestyle, and what you’ve learned from it…
Jas, early on in my teaching career, I did have consensual dating relationships with a couple of my students. I blogged about this a long time ago, back in January or February ’05. This was indeed pre-conversion, and I have long since made amends to all involved: the former students themselves and the college community at large. So yes, I have some knowledge of boundary violations.
On the other hand, none of those situations began with a student confessing a crush to me. Not that that makes my past behavior any bit better.
So my current views are rooted in many things: my theology, my feminism, my understanding of pedagogy and the role of the teacher — and my personal experience as well.
My conversion wiped the slate clean in one sense, but it doesn’t wipe away a legacy of damage and narcissistic self-entitlement. In a small way, some of what I do so publicly here is about taking public action to change hearts and minds so that what I did won’t be as easy for others to do. I lied to myself, denying the reality of the hurt I was inflicting. I want to make it far more difficult for folks to tell themselves such lies.
Ji – do you have a citation for the Buber essay? Thanks!
As far as the high number of UK-based hits and queries, at my UK institution, there is no formal policy discouraging extra-curicular engagements between faculty and their students and many faculty didn’t see what the problem was. I don’t know if this is true of the UK as a whole, but it might explain why more UK students entertain the possiblity of upgrading the crush to an affair or relationship.
As a graduate student in the UK, I found the dynamic in this regard to be grossly unprofessional as even a healthy relationship has negative repercussions for other students in the course or who must deal with the faculty member.
Hugo, thanks very much for giving me such a clear picture of professor/student crush. Well..i thought i had a crush on my professor but turned out i did not like you said that students are confused of WHAT/HOW the teachers are trying to deliver and who they truly are. What students see is probably one of the glorious parts of the teachers but not everything else. And i think this has happened a lot in churches/temples also since followers can easily make the same mistakes by blindly glorifying the priests/monks who are gifted lecturers. For some reason, we as humans have a tendency to look up to someone else but the sad thing is nobody is perfect even …well i’d better not say it.
Though i must say it is such a relief to equip with this insight; however, it really took most of the fun, excitement away..haha
I have a professor crush. Your thoughts on teacher crushes have given me a lot of perspective on my own feelings and, uh, have brought me back to reality about the situation. My question is, do you think that being friends with a professor outside of school is degrading like having a romantic relationship is? We are both women and have a lot in common outside of class. Although my feelings are sexual at times, I really just want to be friends with her. I invited her to go out to coffee, and she accepted (although we haven’t gone yet). What do you think of platonic relationships?
I have a personal story to relate. I’m a little bit reticent to do so because it’s going on now, but the views expressed here have made me reconsider what I assumed was going.
Also my situation seems unique from the other ones here (maybe) so I thought I might share to add to the accumulation of info. Plus if someone could help clarify what might be going on I would appreciate it.
Anyway last semester I had a class with a professor who has a reputation for being really hot, though he is older. He’s obviously really concerned with his appearance. He’s in really good shape and always well dressed. I thought from the way he dressed he was purposely catering to the students fantasies (because he is known as hot and he dressed well to accentuate that.)
He hangs out in the same places as the students though he also has a reputation for being unfriendly. I think he just goes to these places to fulfill his routine and not try to mingle with students.
He goes to the same gym as I used to. I am pretty sure he noticed me working out and I caught his eye.
Because he said something pretty flirtatious to me last semester and I thought it was a bit odd but I forgot about it. It wasn’t all in my head because the other students who were there at the time thought it was a bit odd also.
Also I wrote a paper with a lot of grammatical errors and he gave me a good grade on it and said he really liked my ideas.
He seemed to pay attention to me quite often in the class like I noticed him looking at me a couple times.
On the last day of classes he started talking to me after the whole class had left (just a normal convo) then when I was leaving the building he was standing in the doorway and I looked at him and he was very obviously staring at me and looked away.
I thought this too was odd (and a bit creepy) but I didn’t pay much attention.
Then this semester I saw him in a hallway and he very obviously and deliberately didn’t look at me. Which I thought was odd and redundant and almost like over-kill.
Considering what I’ve read here about professors being narcassistic and self indulgent and encouraging student crushes, maybe that’s what he was doing? Though I never had a crush on him so I don’t know why he would bother. haha.
But, I also have a romantacized (maybe arrogant) view which makes me think he likes me. Since having seen him in the hallway last week I find myself pretty consumed with thoughts of him.
I thought the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it and see if my feelings were reciprocated, but the theme here seems to be against this. Sorry if this post is too long or evasive (I was being deliberately vague) but I’d appreciate your input. thanks.
Not to bump a slightly-old post or anything…
I’m several years out of college, and looking back on those four and a half years, I think I did pretty well with “professor crushes.” I was always able to separate my enthusiasm for the subject matter and its presentation from the professor him/herself.
Maybe this was easier for me than for some others for several reasons:
1. My first stand-in-awe-of-the-professor experience was with a female professor, and since I’m confident in my straightness, I knew it couldn’t be sexual.
2. I consistently had crushes on male students. As an extreme monogamist, I only recognize one sexual crush at a time.
It’s probably no accident that most of the professors for whom I developed admiration and affection were in my department. We had passions for the same information. Of the six communication professors I had, four of them became awe-inspiring for me. (The department had seven profs.) I’d hang around after class to ask questions, mull over the brilliant ideas they planted in my head, assemble gift baskets at Christmas for the department faculty… heck, a month after I graduated, I was still in the area, so I brought in a pot of homemade potato soup with bread and crackers for the comm faculty to enjoy on a cold January day. I suppose you might say I had crushes on all of them.
And they crushed back. I was always That Student, the one who answered all the questions the prof fielded to the class, the one who consistently got good grades and dropped by during office hours when she had a question or felt like talking. I invited several of my professors and their families to dinner at my parents’ house (I lived there then.) Maybe it was easier to maintain good emotional boundaries because all those professors were married and had kids. In my senior year, the faculty named me the Outstanding Journalism Senior. I still wonder how much actual competition I had at that small school, but it was amazing to be chosen for that by people who knew me since I was a self-righteous 17-year-old freshman who thought she got people.
I also loved loved loved my World Civ prof during freshman year, who was the only reason I managed to make it to an 8 a.m. class. The material was so fascinating, and he so engaging, that though he would give me the attendence sheet to start circulating after 10 minutes, I’d inevitably forget. I’d get absorbed in the material. Though it was probably annoying I couldn’t seem to follow such a simple instruction, I knew he knew I loved the class and validated his teaching methods.
I knew students who had sexual crushes on professors. I never quite understood that. One philosophy prof was said to look like Superman/Clark Kent, and I frequently overheard the female students Ooohing and Aaahing. He kept the prof/student distance very well partly by referring to each of us as Mr. or Miss So-and-so. (He would have none of this Ms. business, to my chagrin.) Some students also found an Old Testament professor exciting sexually. He was buff and never wore shirts with collars. If it wasn’t that I was dating a student in that class, I suppose the prof’s looks could have been distracting.
To this day I have regular contract with a journalism professor whose first semester there was my last semester. I adored his Media Law class. Since he, his wife and two girls had just moved into the area, they were church-shopping. They ended up at my church.
I know he tells all my work-life tales to the other comm profs, and he tells me the news from around campus. I’ve house-sat and dog-sat for them several times when they go on vacation. Some days, I think the dog and eight-year-old twins are as happy to see me as my former professor is…
Skylark, however you came by them, it seems you have healthy boundaries. When we can distinguish genuine admiration from erotic desire, when we can have intellectual intimacy without the slightest frisson of sexual tension, we’re doing good things indeed.
Are you available for chinnie sitting?
Sure… if your California chinchillas don’t mind either traveling to Ohio or footing the bill for my plane ticket.
Buber citation:
“Education”, Between Man and Man. The essay is just 20 pages, so it is easy to find. Buber sees the I- Thou relationship between teacher and student as vital and unique, not to be muddied with the seeming brilliance of other intimacy.
I was sooooooooo happy to find your string of posts about student crushes today. I was trying to find some way to process my feelings. I too have a crush on a professor but it’s espcially bothersome because I have now been out of college for a year and have not seen him for the same amount of time and yet the crush continues.
As you suggest, I think my crush is more about the way he excites me intellectually than about him (even though sometimes I do think about him sexually). I don’t ever consider a long-term future with him. I am in a committed 6-year relationship with someone I really love. Yet I can’t seem to stop thinking about this professor.
I was interested in your advice not to talk about it with the professor. I had been considering doing so, although not now because there are still letters of recommendation for grad school to be written and I most certainly want to maintain a level of appropriateness until his defined role as a professor is done.
On the one hand your advice makes sense because he can’t really help me work through a crush of which he is the object. That’s not my goal though. My concern is that a large part of the reason I still think about him now is a curiosity as to whether he feels the same way. I feel like if I could just tell him, he could laugh at me, squelch the idea forever, and I could move on. I just want it to end. I want to have a normal mentor/mentee relationship with him as I have with other male professors. My crush not only annoys me due to the frequency with which I think about him but also because my feelings for him prevent me from acting with him in a way that students should act. I am much less likely to email him about intellectual questions than other professors because I am in such dire need of his approval and fear his rejection of my intellectual thoughts.
So, yes, me wanting to tell him is inherently selfish (and he is married) but I don’t know how else to make it stop!!! I realize that maybe if I didn’t email him I would not think about him as much (if only for the lack of fodder) but I don’t want to give up my relationship with him. When I email him there is normally a reason, whether it be to discuss grad school or tell him about something I’m working on.
His role as a mentor is incredibly important to me so I don’t want to give it up in order to forget about him or risk it by telling him about my feelings. On the other hand, the crush is threatening our relationship as well because of the stupid things it makes me do.
Young students especially females should be aware that many male teachers just thrive on the narcissitic attention they get from students. Alot goes on between teachers and their students. There is alot of transference, and most young female students dont even know what that is. Look it up. What occurs is that if they are narcissitic in any fashion they will project back to you what you want to see. They will ineffect be projecting back to them your own ideal. That is what you are seeing. Since they have no real self, and if they have narcissitic tendecies, no integrity or genuiness, they will take advantage of this situation and feed off your attention. It is a drug for them.
I’m one of the many people who googled their way to your blog in a desparate attempt to find out how to squash a professor crush. I just wanted to say thanks for everything you’ve written on the subject. I am a long-time student and practically a professional at professor crushes. In fact, for me, it roots back to an incredibly inappropriate crush on a married high school teacher. Well, I guess I’ve come to terms with the fact that my crush was not, in itself, inappropriate. But, the fact that he affirmed, but didn’t redirect, and opened doors that should have been left unopened was very inappropriate. At the time, I thought myself to just be completely irresistable, and that was a feeling that a smart girl like me wasn’t used to feeling. I’d been praised for my brains, but never before had I felt attractive. It was a feeling that I loved, though. Knowing that this much older (48 to my 18) married man couldn’t help but be attracted to me was intoxicating. I now know that I was just one of many, and frankly, that’s been something that I still have a hard time accepting. It’s humiliating, and painful.
Anyhow, throughout college, I had a number of professors that I crushed over. One, an adjunct professor from a different school, I dated for about a year. We are still friends today, and I don’t know if I am willing to lump him with the others, because I’m holding out hope that the relationship was real in a way that the others were not. I honestly don’t know if it’s true, but I can’t really deal with the possibility that it is not. But, the others all went in the same way, with me approaching them, coming to their offices, and slowly beginning to flirt or drop hints that I was interested. It usually involved mentioning that I had been in similar situations before, or was attracted to/had dated older men. I am so embarrassed by my behavior now, as I look back on it from 10-12 years later.
Yet, here I sit, now technically a ‘non-traditional’ or ‘older’ student with a ridiculous crush on a professor, again. It’s even more painful this time for two reasons. First, because I am committed to my long term partner, who I love deeply and do not want to hurt. And second, because I’m acutely aware of my own behavior this time. I don’t have the naivete of youth on my side anymore. I’ve apparently grown up enough to realize what I shouldn’t do, but not grown up quite enough to want to stop myself.
I’ve been agonizing about this, as I awkwardly try to navigate a friendship with this woman (some things have changed since high school!). I agree completely with your assessment that we have crushes on people who represent the qualities we’d like to have in ourselves, and crushes on professors are often crushes on the subject and the wisdom. I had never thought of it that way, but I feel so much better now that I have. It fits my situation now to a tee, and looking back, it fits all my past situations as well. I don’t want to be unfaithful to my girlfriend. When I think about a world of reality and consequence, nothing I could have with this professor would be worth sacrificing my relationshiop. But, I can’t stop thinking about her, and I can’t stop wanting to be friends with her, to be near her, to just soak up everythign she has to offer. I just don’t know if that’s okay. I feel like I have no frame of reference, especially given my past, to know if I’ve crossed or am about to cross a line.
I graduated last semester, and we’ve kept in touch. We had lunch together, and it was wonderful. It wasn’t at all sexual, though it was personal. She talked about her partner, I talked about mine, neither of us in disparaging ways. But, mostly, we talked about our field. She is a bit of a radical, and I’m a budding activist, and it was amazing to hear her speak so honestly about things that she won’t approach in the classroom. It only made my crush worse. And, to be honest, I was careening down the path towards telling or at least hinting to her that I am struggling with it. Mostly, I realize, because I want to hear that she is struggling with the same feelings for me. Then, thankfully, I read your post regarding just this desire, and the importance of leaving doors unopened. I think “don’t open the door” will be my new mantra. So, thank you. And also, just thank you to everyone who has spoken so honestly about these issues. I really felt crazy, and alone, and bad about myself for being such a little hussie! Ten years ago, I felt very proud of my self-imagined status as a seductress. Yesterday, I felt horribly ashamed of myself. But today, I’m starting to feel just normally flawed, and more importantly, capable of making sound choices, and controlling my own behavior.
Wow. Confessing to the internet feels good…
I relate to a lot of people on this blog. I have a tendancy to get crushes on professors. I think that it is probably true that I’m just infatuated because of the way in which professsors can impact our lives. At any rate I’m in the middle of a crush that I find to be confusing. The professor who I have a crush on has impacted my critical thinking skills greatly; thus, it seems that your theory holds true. The real problem is that I want to persue a research project with her and I think she might turn down my proposal because she is aware of my crush. I don’t want to make her unconfortable. I want her to know that I respect her family and that I don’t want to persue the crush. Thus, I’m wondering if somehow letting her know that I respect her and her family is a good idea. Maybe telling her I think she has a really wonderful family or something like that. Do you think that is a good idea?
Do you think she is aware, or is she aware — there’s a difference! And are you clear on why, Catie, you want to pursue this project with her in particular?
Damn you professors and your retorical questions!
The project is an eco-critism project which will most likely focus on Leaves of Grass. No one at the University I attend studies Whittman or eco-critism. However she does study early modernism and frequently teaches Whittman. She is also well versed popculture theory, which could be of a great help considering the direction I want to take my project. In addition, I have also take several classes from her and know that I can have a good dialouge with her. Despite all this I do wish there was someone who would be better equipped to mentor me through such a project, but there is not. On the other hand because of the crush it is true that I do like the idea of having tons of time to pick her brain.
As for if she is aware I’m about 70% sure she is…and has handled it well so far.
Lastly, if you want to suggest that I should wait until latter in my career to persue such a project don’t bother. I need to do this project now so that I can make a dession about my own accademic future.
P.S. I’ve been reading other parts of you blog and I really like it. It seems that I have similar oppinons to your own.
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