One of the things about going vegan this year: no more Cadbury cream eggs. I’m thinking about this because my sources tell me that I’ve had several visitors who came here with the search query “cadbury eggs sweden”. Sigh.
I’m thinking about feminism and bodies again this morning. I read Sara’s post at F-Words yesterday. She notes that a poster appeared on campus at Washington State (she’s got the photo) with the caption: “Better your Body”. That wouldn’t have been unusual as an ad for a gym, but it was a flyer advertising free body composition testing in conjuction with WSU’s body image awareness week. Body image awareness programs have been around on college campuses for two decades or more, designed to combat the epidemic of eating disorders and self-loathing that is rampant among college students, particularly among young women. And if there’s something at the core of all “body image awareness workshops” it’s the notion that feminists ought to resist the imperative to be thin, to be overly concerned with body fat, to be endlessly obsessed with having a “better” physique.
Sara points out the absurdity of all this, and moves on to muse about what a truly “body-friendly” gym would look like.
It seems like there is so much emphasis on the idea expressed in that image – that we need to change our bodies, that we need to quantify them and judge them to be responsible and healthy – that it’s not necessarily a mentally-healthy environment.
In my body-friendly gym, there would be no scales. What do we need them for? No one leading an aerobics class would remind us that “swimsuit season” is coming. There would be fitness classes geared toward people whose bodies are different – classes for the disabled, for example. Even a person’s size can significantly change their experience of a class. I’ve found out (the hard way, having gained a fair amount of weight over a period when I was really into pilates) that having a belly makes pilates harder….
Mostly, I’d like a gym where a person’s current body was what’s being worked out and enjoyed. No matter how hard you work, you’re not going to lose actual pounds or gain actual muscle mass during any gym session. I’d like the emphasis on a future, perfected body to take a backseat to the things a person can appreciate about their current body.
I’m thinking about this at the same time that I’m thinking about an e-mail I got from a wonderful former student of mine. She enjoys the blog, but recently went through my photo albums at my old Typepad place, and was troubled that several of the photos were of me, shirtless. As I’ve explained many times before, I almost always run shirtless. I hike shirtless. When I’m down in Colombia on my wife’s family’s finca , I spend much of my time shirtless. (Drenched in SPF 50 sun lotion, mind you; I’ve had enough battles with skin cancer.) Mind, my student was not suggesting that there was a sexual or flirtatious component to these photos. What bothered her was that these pictures came in conjunction with the frequent notes I make on the blog about diet, exercise, and sport. My student admitted that it made her feel bad about herself, particularly because she saw me (rightly or wrongly) as a pro-feminist role model. In a very thoughtful and polite way, she made it clear that there was a disconnect between my very public commitment to working with young people to combat eating disorders and body dysmorphia, and my almost equally public fascination with the endless improvement of my own flesh. And while she could accept that disconnect in print, she had a hard time with it reflected in photos as well.
So, I’ve cleaned up all of my old Typepad photo albums. No more shirtless pictures. (I will still be shirtless all over the greater San Gabriel Valley this spring and summer, in mountains and on roadways, as I up my mileage for a July marathon.)
The connection between Sara’s post and my student’s e-mail? They’ve both got me thinking about ways to create a pro-fitness, pro-health culture that is radically respectful of body diversity. It’s got me wondering how we can do a better job of articulating fitness goals that aren’t visual. Gyms and health clubs and personal trainers often speak the language of health, but as Sara makes clear, the atmosphere of most clubs is one that encourages a pre-occupation with achieving a specific size goal. There’s an almost universal double-speak going on in which everyone claims to be doing whatever they’re doing in order to “get healthy”, but most feel compelled to emphasize aesthetic achievement over true fitness. I don’t know a lot of young women who worry as much about osteoporosis, heart disease, and breast cancer as they do about weight.
My mother is a big fan of the Curves franchise. She’s been overweight much of her adult life, and is — thank God — a cancer survivor. She started going to Curves a few times a week back in 2002, and she’s really enjoyed her experience in a mirrorless, women-only gym. She would never have joined an ordinary health club, but she found the non-judgmental, accepting atmosphere at Curves to be just what she needed in order to experiment with an exercise regimen. I’ve never been inside a Curves, obviously, but I hear almost universal praise from the women I know who have become regulars.
It’s often hard for me to write about fitness and body image issues, knowing that I still have miles to go on my own journey towards radical and complete self-acceptance. I don’t work out merely to improve my body’s appearance, of course. I don’t work out for health alone, either, at least not only for physical health. I work out so much because I’m addicted to endorphins; I am a nervous, restless energizer bunny who needs to burn off tension constantly. Running, boxing, Pilates, cycling — to one degree or another, they all get me high. And I like being high. It just so happens that my addiction has the side effect of a lean and toned physique!
My views on diet, too, are rooted less in an obsession with my own health and appearance and more in a commitment to justice. I gave up meat a while ago because of my commitment to animals; I’m now embracing a fully vegan lifestyle out of that same commitment. If it keeps me healthy, great. But while my health matters, my choices about what I put in my mouth are linked first and foremost to a desire to live as cruelty-free as possible. I’m not willing to eat what I’m not willing to kill, and I’m not willing to kill many things.
There’s an element of defensiveness to what I’m writing, and that frustrates me. I suppose that in the end, I’m torn. I position myself, quite deliberately, as a role model. I do it in my teaching. I do it in my volunteer work with youth. I do it in my blogging. I believe I’ve hit upon a set of values for living, rooted in my faith and my feminism, that have not only made me a better human being but might very well work for others. I keep making the case, over and over again, that what we do in every area of our life matters. How we eat and what we eat matters, not least because we are called to be stewards of our own bodies and stewards of the earth we share.
I realize that what I want to work on is this: further developing and articulating a pro-feminist “ethics of diet and fitness.” My core assumptions: health, fitness, and a sense of well-being are a priori goods. Self-acceptance is also an a priori good. Self-loathing is an a priori evil. Concern for how our dietary choices impact the planet is an a priori good. And yes, pleasure — as long as that pleasure is not at another’s expense — is still another fundamental good. Somehow, I want to put all of these “first principles” together and articulate an ethic that embraces both transformation and self-acceptance, that promotes ultimate well-being and is simultaneously radically accepting of body diversity.
I’ve seen others try to create a synthesis of pro-feminist values and a commitment to maximum physical fitness; I’ve seen them fall woefully short. And I myself continue to fall prey to my own contradictions around the body and self-acceptance. Too often, my words to others say “Love yourself just as you are!” while my actions show a man who is relentlessly committed to his own transformation.
One of the paradoxes of a strong Christian faith is this: Jesus loves us just as we are. He could not love us more. He loves the child molester just as much as he loves the saint; He loves Jeffrey Dahmer and Mother Teresa, Saddam Hussein and Martin Luther King. But for Christians, realizing that God loves us just as we are is not the same as God’s endorsement of what we’re doing. God loves us no matter what, but He longs for us to transform, to become more and more like His Son. We hold in tension two seemingly contradictory ideas: we are loved whether or not we change, and God longs for us to change and grow. This tension is familiar to any serious Christian, and to the followers of many other spiritual paths.
I’m convinced that there’s a way to apply this mixture (radical, complete acceptance and the radical call to growth) to a culture of fitness and diet. I’m going to figure it out, Lord willing, and when I get a clearer idea of how to articulate it, I’m gonna let you know.
Or maybe you’ll have to wait for the TV show.
Great post, Hugo, but then I usually appreciate your navel-gazing moments.
My one thought I’d add about being comfortable in one’s own skin is this: moving your body often helps you to be more comfortable with your body, regardless of its size. So, for you, running helps you to stay in touch with your body. For me, I’ve been doing T-Tapp and enjoying some stronger core muscles. At the same time, I know how my body transforms, and that means that now, 1-1/2 months after starting T-Tapp, I’m heavier than I was at the beginning and roughly the same size. But, I wouldn’t trade this muscular body for the more flabby (albeit lighter) one from January.
I guess all of that is to say this — you don’t have to be a size zero (or 2 or 4 or even 10) to appreciate your own body. Just use it, and the appreciation will come.
Another great post. I’ve been weight-training for the past 6 years but only recently experienced a shift from appearance-based to performance-based goals — not losing weight or looking fat-free, but discovering my inner strength and being comfortable as an assertive woman (thanks to a very empowering female trainer). I’m enjoying exercise much more now, and making real progress. It’s been a feminist process for me too, in that it’s made me think about why I have been afraid to look muscular and large. We get these messages that such a woman is not classy, not feminine, not delicate, frightening to men (not my husband thank goodness!), etc. etc. It’s like I didn’t want my body to show what my mind was like. Thanks, Hugo, for thinking so deeply about all of this.
I’m a fat woman and I go to our local rec center a few times a week to walk around the tiny track and lift weights. I love seeing all of the different bodies and fitness levels there and to realize everyone is pursuing their own individual goals. I don’t feel like the place has an overall aesthetic/appearance orientation at all, but it may just be that I’m not too hung up over my own appearance. (I am serious that I get a real high from seeing the buff teenagers playing basketball, the women in their 80s going around the track with a walker, the middle-aged guys doing their squats, and everyone else, all doing their own things.)
I do use the scale there; it helps me figure out what my “net” is on the assisted machines (for instance, for the assisted pull-up machine, if I weigh 200 pounds and I’ve set it to give 140 pounds of assistance, I’m really pulling 60 pounds), and of course it helps me track my weight.
If people weren’t (understandably) nuts about the body image stuff, having a scale available wouldn’t be an issue at all – your weight is just another piece of information like your blood pressure, cholesterol, or how much you can bench press. In my ideal world people would be very interested in their own health and abilities, but not in a way that ties it to aesthetic or (especially) moral judgements.
This reminds me of a very good friend of mine who is also a professor (economics). In one of his classes he responded to questions of being a vegan. One of the things he said was that he does not eat anything that had or came from something that had a face. Ever the smart-ass I said “Then at halloween you do not eat pumpkin pie?”
Long-tme reader, first-time commenter – I enjoy your thoughtful approach to life. So how do you resolve that tension between “radical, complete acceptance and the radical call to growth” in other arenas of living? I imagine the answer is complicated and to be found by reading your posts over many months/years – I just wondered if you had a relatively succinct way of explaining it.
Unfortunately for your mother, while Curves is a friendly women-only gym, its owner is not so female-friendly. He supports anti-abortion causes and organizations, some of them violent (like Operation Save America), to the tune of 10% of his income. Operation Save America is one of the places responsible for those “Abortion Causes Breast Cancer” billboards that you see all over the place.
Snopes has more details and citations.
–Adrienne
Er, my mistake. 10% of his income IN ONE YEAR, per Snopes. Not 10% ongoing. And they’re also careful to point out that it’s not Curves’ money, it’s strictly the owner’s.
Chad, that’s cute. Thanks, Adrienne; that’s not something I had known and I’ll pass it on to my Planned Parenthood-supporting mama.
Kari, did you read these two posts of mine?
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2006/12/05/the-happy-puritan-a-response-to-dan-oppenheimer/
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2005/02/09/a-beginning-attempt-at-a-christian-male-pro-feminist-theology-of-appetite-or-further-proof-that-i-have-lost-it-completely/
Holding those two things in tension is so difficult that just about every young adult book I’ve read dealing with weight ultimately comes down to the message, “Love yourself just as you are… because only then will you be able to lose weight in a long-term and healthy manner!” Love yourself, but keep just enough self-loathing so that you know you have to lose weight. Love yourself, and If You Really Loved Yourself Enough You Would Not Go To Dairy Queen.
And dang it all, Emily, I’m gonna figure out a way to write a book that says something better than that.
I’ve been thinking about the Bhagavad Gita lately, and one of it’s key verses
and I think it might help you out here. You take the action of self-transformation because that is the right action for a person who loves God to take, but you have no attachment to the fruits of your action–your newly transformed self–because God will still love you in whatever form you happen to take.
It doesn’t quite resolve everything– (shouldn’t God also love those who fail to take the right action?) but it’s a start.
Hi Hugo! First time reading your site. One thought I had was that my body is (our bodies are)always changing. I have had different bodies over the years. When rowing, a rowers body, powerlifting that posture and body type, ballet, that too, triathlon, again different. Having babies – way different!
young different from old. Pilates, weightlifting…..
I guess I have finally got it into my head that whatever I do, I will become – sort of along the lines of becoming what we eat. And choices, which we are making whether we know it or not. My mom used to say ‘pretty is as pretty does’ which keeps it real.
If I behave as a strong person who is getting stronger, than I will become stronger. If I obsess about food (or anything) then I become obsessive! If I accept change then I meet change with acceptence.
Anyway, I could on like this all night having had a (delicious!) cuppa jo this afternoon.
another thought. I believe that people were designed to work hard and play hard! We built the pyramids!
Tracy
wow hugo, it’s posts like these that inspire me to better myself as a writer, and healthwise. i used to run cross country, but i had to quit due to my unusual ability to acquire sunburns so readily. i don’t have the time or energy to enroll myself in a PE class this semester, but i’m going to do one for sure this summer and fall. not working out is becoming more and more obvious as i tend to sleep more and my flexibility is nearly non-existant.
the exchange you had with your former student reminds me of a problem i encounter with some friends at my school. whenever we talk about working out, health, and beauty-sometimes they start to complain about their body woes, and i tell them they look perfectly fine, and they call me hypocrite, saying that i have no idea what it feels like to be them.
they automatically dismiss my words of encouragement because they find the message to be tainted by my body. i will not make excuses or apologies for the way i look, and it is unfair how they make me feel guilty for something i cannot control.
to me, it feels like you took the pictures (which i saw as badges of honor) down because you felt bad for someone who has self-esteem issues and is making others cede to her wishes by laying guilt on people who she sees as sources of her pain. the message i get is that is better to walk on eggshells around people rather than try to confront the real problem.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this week, for two reasons: 1) I’m in San Antonio visiting my family, which always brings up interesting stuff around food and eating and exercise and 2) I just read Jay Michaelson’s book “God in Your Body: Kabbalah, Mindfulness, and Embodied Spiritual Practice,” new from Jewish Lights, which has much to say about embodiment and holiness and exercise and all that jazz.
You might really dig Jay’s book. It’s smart and cogent — and your interest in kabbalah may mean that even the chapter I think is most esoteric is perfectly clear to you.
Rachel, thanks for the recommendation, I will have a look! Theverycold, I have long defended the right of folks to wear (or in my case, not wear) what they want. If my student had said “I saw you running shirtless, and it made me uncomforrtable”, I wouldn’t put a shirt on for her. But taking down the pictures cost me little, and if it was causing another person discomfort, blocking their growth, then it’s not a big deal for me to take it down.
Hugo – have you ever checked out Krista of Stumptuous http://www.stumptuous.com/me.html?
I think that she might inspire you to find the approach you are looking for.
This is exactly what I expected to find out after reading the title ng out, eating right, self-acceptance and the call to transform: towards reconciling a series of contradictions at Hugo Schwyzer. Thanks for informative article