With so many acne treatment products out there I didn’t know which ones to use until I found Clearpores. …

No, it means setting a good example of service to others and good behavior.

Mermade – do you need help getting out of this situation?

Anon, you’re right. If you think I am spoiled simply because I have a roof over my head and food to eat, then that’s fine. I agree. After all, I have access to a good education, internet, a car, healthy food and things like that.

But just because my father gives me a roof over my head doesn’t mean that I have to say YES to his every command. He acted like a total jerk to me in that situation (and has done things more irrational than that, such as screaming at me and kicking my bedroom door for reading a book he did not approve of). I don’t think providing for your kids means you can order them around and harass them for not believing and doing what you want them to.

So yeah, he provides for his family. But that doesn’t mean he can walk all over people he provides for. Just like, if a guy treated me to a fancy dinner, I don’t have to give him sex in return. Money doesn’t justify commands. And if I chose to be a stay-at-home mother while my husband provides money for the family, it doesn’t mean I have to give into his every demand either.

Your example does not make you look wise or strong but rather spoiled . . . if you live under a roof he provides, you may want to consdier that your understanding of “fair” has nothing to do w/ honoring and respecting him.

Anonymous

I agree with you that there is a very important distinction between “being a chronic people-pleaser in order to avoid a possible argument and serving humanity.” Some recognition of that distinction and how it works out in life is what I was asking for–it doesn’t seem to me that “opposing endless self-denial” is a good formulation when what you’re trying to do is “serve others for their good, to edification” rather than making it comfortable for them to continue behaving badly.

Because that’s what it comes down to – this is the reason women don’t say no. We’re taught that saying no gets us in trouble, gets us threatened….

My father can be a terribly irrational man. One night when I was a senior in high school, I came home from a very long, very stressful day at school. I spent hours working on the school newspaper after my last class of the day. And although I do not remember why, I remember feeling upset about something. On my way home from school, I drove through a fast food place for dinner. I was looking forward to finally sit down to eat and have some peace and quiet. When I came home, however, and began eating, my dad ordered me to pick up my brother from Confirmation class at church so he could watch his oh-so-precious Lakers game. Nevermind that he had been home hours before that and was not nearly as tired or hungry as I was.

So, I said, “No. I’m not going to pick him up.” He said to just “eat in the car” to which I said, “I drive a stick shift- I can’t eat in the car.” So he stomped out, yelled at me and said, “THANKS FOR NOTHING!” When he came back, I tried to make some conversation with him, but he pouted.

So… if I wanted to avoid his immature temper, I could have said, “Yes.” But he was being completely selfish in wanting me to pick up my brother so he could watch his basketball game.

But I don’t regret saying “no.” If I said yes, it would not be to serve the Lord through my actions toward others. It would simply be about making HIM happy and avoiding conflict. Would you argue that self-denial would have been right in my case?

Now, Jesus instructs us to deny ourselves in order to follow him. I deny myself when I don’t cuss at drivers who cut me off. I deny myself when I donate money to charity. I deny myself when I calm myself down when someone says something rude to me (the one I get sometimes is, “you have so much acne!”) – the ole Golden Rule. I deny myself when I pray for fifteen minutes instead of watching TV.

There are countless ways to say “yes” to God, while putting healthy limits on people who try to take advantage of you. It seems that girls, more often than guys, are taught to be people-pleasers, which I think is one of Hugo’s points.

Hugo, I’m having trouble figuring out (if this is the case) how feminism fits either with your own life, or with Christianity.

You seem to think self-denial is valuable and desirable when it makes you a better person (running, boxing, avoiding sex with young women) and when it makes the world better for your fellow creatures (chinchilla rescue, veganism).

All ethical systems I know of except Objectivism acknowledge the second category; self-denial is morally required in some cases because it makes the world better for your fellow creatures. All the contemplative moral systems also insist on the first–that self-denial in certain respects makes you a better person. Christianity is probably strongest on both points; Christ, our perfect example, denied himself of all the power and glory that was rightfully his, denied himself of deliverance that was easily available, and did all this to benefit us.

So I’m having trouble figuring out why self-denial is a bad thing for young women, when it’s required for all the rest of us.