I got an e-mail last week from a man named X, asking about pro-feminist men and responses to sexual harassment — particularly on the street.
There’s been a lot of blogosphere discussion about street harassment lately, and I was interested in your thoughts about how, and whether, men can help (aside from Not Doing It, and acknowledging the pain it causes).
I’m embarrassed to admit that I only started to become aware of how big a problem this is fairly recently, and so it’s been on my mind. This morning, for example, I was walking to the subway and right about when I passed by a woman, a guy sitting in a parked van made some remark to her. I felt ashamed to just walk by, as if I didn’t notice or I approved, but also couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
On the one hand, I think there are good reasons why confronting other men in situations like this might not help at all–as a post at Feministe (where I originally posted this, before realizing maybe asking you would be a better venue) and some comments have noted, most harassers simply won’t acknowledge their behavior as wrong, and there’s a non-trivial chance of violence. (This inability to productively engage may be even more true insofar as class and race issues enter into things.) It seems that especially in cities, people almost never sanction strangers for their public improprieties; attempting to do it on a regular basis, especially as a third party, is hard to imagine. On the other hand, is that just cowardice speaking?
I agree with the suggestion that verbally accosting harassers in the street can be dangerous and (almost worse) unhelpful. While we might be called on to jeopardize our own safety to assist someone who is being physically assaulted, I’m not sure that that moral mandate applies to all instances of sexual harassment. Male feminists are not asked to be “knights in shining armor”, rescuing helpless damsels. And while it is certainly true that male feminists have a special and vital role to play in challenging other men to rethink what is acceptable, that doesn’t mean that we ought to ask men who embrace feminism to put themselves into regular physical danger.
As X points out — and as was indeed discussed in this Feministe thread – there’s often a race or class element to responses to street harassment. In some urban areas, the harassment that is most obvious (though not necessarily the most prevalent) is largely committed by men of color. For obvious reasons, we are all particularly sensitive to the classic scenario in which a middle-class white woman on her way to or from work gets whistled at and taunted by a group of Latino, black, or white working-class men. That doesn’t mean that men of color or poor men are more likely to harass women; it does mean that more affluent men are more likely to be able to harass women in, say, a workplace setting. A woman walking to work might get harassed twice, say; the first time, by a group of Hispanic construction workers on the street and the second time by her leering white boss. Of course, as was pointed out over and over at Feministe, it’s the first instance of harassment that’s much more likely to be noticed by the public. The second usually stays invisible.
But recognizing that there’s a race/class component to the ways in which we think about sexual harassment shouldn’t serve to paralyze those of us who are white and middle-class from responding firmly to all instances of such harassment. The wolf-whistles of the lads on the street corner and the lecherous advances of a workplace supervisor are both equally unacceptable. Both behaviors have the capacity to make their targets feel small, vulnerable, dirty, angry, exasperated. And both sets of behaviors call for a feminist response.
Though there may well be times when overt intervention in cases of street harassment is called for, being the public hero can’t be the primary focus for feminist men. We battle harassment — in the street, in the workplace, in our schools — by speaking first and foremost to the men we already know. As frustrating as it is to acknowledge, most harassers harass because they understand that their behavior is sanctioned by their male peers, be those peers on a golf course or a basketball court. A great deal of sexual harassment takes place in the view of other men; frequently, the harassment is a form of puerile male bonding. The best counter-attack to this behavior goes beyond confrontation. The best long-term solution is creating small communities of men who are willing — as a group — to model a very different way of being male. It’s about connectiing with other men with whom you can stand in solidarity and together speak out against harassment that happens in your community.
Ultimately, the most effective agents against harassment are those who fight it with a recognizable credibility. A white man confronting a group of young men of color on a street corner with an impassioned cry that says “Don’t speak to women that way” is unlikely to be get an enthusiastic reception. Indeed, he risks — at best — being dismissed as patronizing, racist, and clueless. He’s right, of course, that it’s never acceptable to demean and objectify women, and that one’s status as a victim of racism doesn’t offer a right to be sexist as a response. But we have to do more than make flamboyant gestures — we have to work at changing the culture, and that means identifying strong male allies who carry “cred” in whatever community they find themselves, be it the Deke house on a college campus or an urban basketball court.
I’ve long advocated using the “alpha male” strategy. It’s an old trick from campus evangelism: the missionary identifies a young person who carries a lot of weight with his or her peers, and works on reaching him or her. Once the “alpha” has been won over, he or she will — through their own charisma and popularity — bring in others. The same strategy works with recruiting male feminists. The most popular alpha males are, usually by definition, the ones least concerned with what other men think of them. Though they are often the instigators of the most brutal forms of harassment and sexism, they also — if cultivated and won over — can be the change agents. Over and over again, my strategy as professor/youth leader/feminist evangelist has been to target the alphas for this reason.
So in the end, there is no quick and easy answer to how feminist men can respond to instances of street harassment that they witness. Given all the possible variables, prescribing a particular reaction is impossible. Some men will feel moved to intervene, and if they can do so without further inflaming the situation or risking their own safety, they ought to do so. Others may have to use what they’ve witnessed as an incentive to work all the harder with the men (particularly, the young men) with whom they work or interact. And, if they’ve got a cell phone camera, they can use the Hollaback project, which I endorse without reservation.
I usually respond to this sort of thing through frown power. “Dude, not cool” is a pretty good catchall phrase for expressing disapproval; I mean, what are they gonna say back? “It is too cool!”
Good for you, Jeff. I have more harassment stories than I could tell in one comment, and I will nearly always respond to harassers on the street– ignoring them makes you seem more vulnerable, and there are plenty of ways to respond without escalating the situation. I’ve been talking back for 10 years now (since I was 13) and have never had anyone lay a hand on me in the street. Then, I’m six feet tall and an athlete, I would probably win in a fight against most harassers and they know it. Someone like my roommate, who is very petite, shy, and pretty is in a lot more real danger than I am. So why should I NOT respond to people who harass her? And why should I not respond to people who harass women I don’t know, if it’s clear the woman isn’t going to talk back? For a man, it might be more difficult, because your intervention might place her between two strange men, but in my experience, it’s nearly always better to say something than to say nothing. You’re at less risk of attack than she is.
I recommend the book Back Off! by Martha Langlan. It says a lot about effective ways to stop harassment (both street and workplace) and has advice for male allies as well.
Hugo,
You rock the casbah- this was a very very wise response to the question of how men can help in those types of situations and has given me a lot to think about.
I’ll have to look more at hollaback- I dress dowdier and dowdier as the years pass just to get some peace. I’d love to just be able to walk around without worrying what someone is going to say to me.
For obvious reasons, we are all particularly sensitive to the classic scenario in which a middle-class white woman on her way to or from work gets whistled at and taunted by a group of Latino, black, or white working-class men.
“What do you mean ‘we,’ white man?”
seriously — classic? What? White men harass strangers all the time. You start off reasonably enough, with “we are all a little bit racist, so we notice it more when non-white men do sexist things,” which, sure, and then suddenly it’s “non-white men are the ones who do THIS sexist thing, but that doesn’t mean much because white men do this OTHER sexist thing?” What? Young white men do THIS thing all. the. time.
Though there may well be times when overt intervention in cases of street harassment is called for, being the public hero can’t be the primary focus for feminist men.
That’s all very well, and but being a normal decent human being doesn’t actually make you a hero. I can’t imagine walking right by a woman who’s being verbally intimidated without stopping to see if a glare or a stare or a “hey!” at the perpetrator will do some good. This isn’t playing hero, this is, um, civilization. Is this basic, normal womanly gesture too hard for feminist men? I’d hate to think so.
Some men will feel moved to intervene, and if they can do so without further inflaming the situation or risking their own safety, they ought to do so.
I would boil down your worthy concluding paragraph to: think of what a feminist woman would do, and then do it. Feminist women who help out strangers don’t obsess over what noble, chivalric, heroic saviors they are or might be perceived as. Act like a human being, and nobody will accuse you of playing hero.
Young white men do THIS thing all. the. time.
I believe Hugo’s point was that white people don’t ‘see’ harassment as much when it’s considered normative behavior by white, middle- or upper-class men.
I find the level of concern expressed by Hugo and X about violent reprisals to be a bit baffling. Is it really that likely that a street harasser will go punch out a male passerby who speaks up? It might be worth thinking a bit about why you’re so quick to assume that these men of color are so prone to violence.
What sophonisba said.
Folks, each of us has to consider the threat of physical violence before intervening in any situation. That doesn’t mean we can’t be brave, doesn’t mean we have other obligations beyond our safety, but we do need to realize that many harassers are anything but “empty talk”. It depends on the environment, whether the harassers are intoxicated, how many there are, and so forth.
Hugo said: “That doesn’t mean that men of color or poor men are more likely to harass women; it does mean that more affluent men are more likely to be able to harass women in, say, a workplace setting. A woman walking to work might get harassed twice, say; the first time, by a group of Hispanic construction workers on the street and the second time by her leering white boss.” etc.
Reality Check: We need to be very clear about the fact that unless you provide some sort credible of proof for these allegations this is pure speculation on your part, based on negative stereotypes of men, particularly professional white men. I’m sorry Hugo, but your comments above are simply sexist and racist, and I for one am going to hold you accountable for them.
Slightly modifying your prose, my experience with sexual harassment in the workplace is as follows: As frustrating as it is to acknowledge, most harassers harass because they understand that their behavior is sanctioned by their female peers, be those peers in an office lounge or a coffee klatch. A great deal of sexual harassment takes place in the view of other women; frequently, the harassment is a form of puerile female bonding.
What you describe is not a gendered problem, it’s a human problem, and frankly, from my experience women are far more likely to get a pass and get away with it than men are in the workplace. Indeed, from my experience at my university and those I’ve visited, anti-male sexism and sex-based harassment is rampant among the female staffers who work in academia.
I believe that your approach stems from a sense that men somehow ‘owe’ women something, but in fact this is not the case. I couldn’t be more clear on this: I personally believe that men don’t owe women anything simply because we’re men and they’re women. Yes, we all should not go out of our way to harass anybody, female or male. However, unless and until women begin to address the sexism in their own midst, men are justified in remaining passive and not stepping in to help women who do not return the favor. Indeed, IMO boycotting any interventions that seeks to help women re. these types of issues is a valid political statement, that statement being: ‘We are not your slaves, and we don’t owe you anything. Unless and until you reciprocate and address sexism against men, the alliance is dissolved.’ Obviously, YMMV.
Mr. Bad– if you’d bother to look something up once in awhile, you would have noticed by now that the number of workplace sexual harassment claims filed by women far exceeds those filed by men. And a large number of the claims filed by men are against other men. And that’s JUST workplace harassment, let alone street harassment, which is what the discussion was actually about.
Acer, filing a claim is not proof that the harassment actually took place. And since when did the sex of the perp become an issue vis-a-vis concern for the victim?
I see that thought a lot – it doesn’t matter that MEN are attacked, hassled and intimidated in public (as even Hugo touches on with his pusillanimous approach to sticking up for his principles) … because MEN are more likely to be the perpetrators.
Here’s a good analogy:
Women beat their own children to death at higher rates than men. Statistics are readily available. So should we say “So what” if the child is a girl, because women are doing this to them?
If not, why the approach towards men in other areas?
Let’s say a minority group commits more crime. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, blacks commit more violent crime than whites. What about a black guy who is trying to live his life in the right way, and he gets attacked by a black gangsta’ wannabe? We just say “Who cares”, because blacks are committing more crimes? Do we only defend him if he gets attacked by a white guy.
I’ll tell ya’ … for “college” material (LOL) this stuff doesn’t even pass the giggle test.
By the way, men are attacked, hassled, intimidated and all the rest in public FAR MORE than women are. Women get catcalls, men get the crap beat out of them. Men are murdered far more than women.
There is certainly chivalry with regard to women, that’s why a crude construction worker making catcalls is not likely to physically attack her if she makes a remark back, he’s more likely to physically attack Hugo if Hugo says something. And Hugo friggin’ knows it.
As a side note, I live in a huge city and walk quite a bit. I don’t see a whole lot of construction workers making catcalls to women – once in a while, but mostly they’re covered in dirt, doing their job. And mostly today, people drive in from the suburbs to their job or college or whatever. This is like straw man central.
Last comment, anecdote:
I’ve frequently seen women in bars or, actually, saw them back in my youth when I was the bar dude, throw drinks on men or even slap them etc. I’ve never seen a man beat the crap out of a woman for that. I HAVE seen far fewer men pull that stuff, but when they do, or even if they make the wrong remark, they may get physically attacked. This is a combination of chivalry and the knowledge that if a man attacks a woman in a bar, he is going to have all the rest of the men on him in a second. Even the cretins without any sense of chivalry are going to be restrained by the latter. They are FAR LESS restrained vis-a-vis other men. “Take it outside”.
That’s the fact, Jack.
DB, I don’t think that Acer is saying harassment of men by men is excusable. Hugo’s post is about men dealing with other male harassers. I think the point is that since it appears that men (allegedly) do most of the harassing, they are also the most in need of “intervention”, as it were.
On a side note, I drive in from the suburbs to my job in Washington, DC, and literally not a day goes by when I don’t get some form of street harassment. Construction workers are, indeed, frequent offenders. Anecdotal evidence from my friends and coworkers says this is typical, although I obviously can’t speak for all people or places. I don’t really know where you were going with your “side note” – were you expressing disbelief that it happens at all, or with any frequency, or what?
“On a side note, I drive in from the suburbs to my job in Washington, DC, and literally not a day goes by when I don’t get some form of street harassment.”
——
I agree that it varies from place to place. I have no desire at all to live in certain cities. There are certain corners in certain cities where you will get hassled if you are a man or woman.
There might be more of a problem with the guys just hanging around on the corner than construction workers. With the former, I am fully behind some solution to get rid of the problem – but I don’t think the answer has much to do with sitting in some community college trying to blame and shame them. One approach that worked a bit was New York, when it tried to clean up problems in the 1990s. The police cracked down on even minor matters. That helped. Get the police to get out and hassle the hasslers back until they move on.
But once again: This navel-gazing, shaming-men, playing-the-strong-male-hero (except when you have to really do something) stuff is just crap. Useless, blaming crap.
DB, you’re done in this thread. Any further comments from you will be deleted regardless of content.
Mr. Bad, you were the one who started in on female-on-male harassment. I was just pointing out that it’s not very common for men to be harassed, and then that it’s even LESS likely for them to be harassed by women.
And yeah, there’s a clear reason why DB doesn’t ‘see’ street harassment. He’s not a woman.
Acer, I pointed that this is a human problem (which indeed it is), not a gendered problem, so of course I mentioned the female-on-male component. Duh.
As for your observation that female-on-male harassment ‘isn’t very common,’ I was pointing out that in fact it is, and in my experience more common than the reverse. Similarly to DB’s (and my) experience with male-on-female harassment, perhaps you don’t see it because you are a woman (I don’t know if you are or not) or it doesn’t directly affect you. However, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist or that it’s any less prevalent and/or serious than male-on-female harassment. Again, this sort of thing is a human problem, not a gendered one.
You seem to embrace double-standards re. men vs. women when it comes to harassment. Why?
Mr. Bad, do you honestly see men being the victim of STREET harassment? It’s an honest question. I have never witnessed it.
Emma asked: “Mr. Bad, do you honestly see men being the victim of STREET harassment? It’s an honest question. I have never witnessed it.”
Yes, of course. Men are the primary victims of gang activity, “honor beatings” (when a woman gets her boyfriend to beat another man for ‘dissing’ her), drunken assaults, a simple punch in the face, etc., it’s just that our misandrist society only sees harassment of women as a problem; men are invisible in this regard. Thus, wer’re conditioned to ignore men’s pain and exaggerate and excessively dwell on women’s pain, no matter how trivial.
While women endure verbal and other non-physical forms of harassment on the street, e.g., “catcalls” and whistles, men are by far the primay targets of physical harassment and violence. And IMHO, women’s victimization from harassment is trivial compared to men’s. As always, YMMV.
Finally, if you look at my original post, I was calling Hugo out on the sexist and racist assertion he made in his article above that “…more affluent men are more likely to be able to harass women in, say, a workplace setting. A woman walking to work might get harassed twice, say; the first time, by a group of Hispanic construction workers on the street and the second time by her leering white boss.†Thus, in my response my focus was on the workplace, which as I said is quite different than the image portrayed by certain partisans (wink, wink). And while women may have to endure the harassment from whistles and catcalls on their way to work, men who are harassed on the street while on their wasy to work are likely beaten to the point that they aren’t able to make it to their workplace. Thus, they don’t have to ‘suffer’ the second incident – they’re too busy fighting for their lives in a hospital ER as a result of the first incident.
“honor beatings†(when a woman gets her boyfriend to beat another man for ‘dissing’ her)
Why do you assume these are the woman’s fault? Do you not think men can think for themselves?
Sophonisba:
Calling people you don’t like “uncivilized” is, IMHO, not a very appropriate way to argue in a forum that is at least intended to be anti-racist.
As in stereotypical. We don’t actually live in a colourblind society, believe it or not, so your calls on Hugo to essentially be more colourblind don’t make a ton of sense to me.
sophonisba, feminists aren’t any more immune to ideological or personal arrogance than anybody else (see: %90 of everything written by white feminists about race). Pretending otherwise is a more than a bit over the top.
It’s also a bit over the top imply that no woman would ever walk by another woman being harrassed and just ignore it. I’ve seen this happen propably thousands of times (not surprisingly, it’s usually white women ignoring women of colour being harrassed). Way more times than I’ve witnessed women bystanders intervene when street harassment’s happening. Calling helping out a “normal womanly gesture” is just essentialest garbage that ignores reality.
So, I looked up some statistics. (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/cvus0501.pdf) In 2005, in the 20-24 year demographic, 62% of the victims of violent crimes (robbery, assault, murder, rape/sexual assault) were men. 66% of victims of non-intimate violent crimes were men.
In the 25-29 demographic, 56% of the victims of violent crimes (robbery, assault, murder, rape/sexual assault) were men. 59% of victims of non-intimate violent crimes were men. There are more numbers and demographics there, but ostensibly I have a job, so that’s all I looked up.
I think this backs up your point that men are more likely to be the victims of violent harassment (although the higher the age demographic, the smaller the difference between men and women gets). But in total, the chance of being the victim of violent harassment – 0.058% of 20-24 yo men, and 0.026% of 25-29 yo men were victimized – is extremely small.
In addition, in at least 2/3 of reported cases, violence towards male victims was not “completed”, only threatened or attempted. I think this somewhat belies your statement that “men who are harassed on the street while on their way to work are likely beaten to the point that they aren’t able to make it to their workplace”. They are, in fact, more likely to NOT be beaten.
Emma, the other thing to be careful about here is that most harrassment (of any kind) is not stranger harrassment.
Men are, I think more likely to be victims and perpetrators of most harassment (my sociology prof thought so, anyways, and he actually knows the statistics better). I’d even go so far as to say that in incidences of stranger harrassment, I wouldn’t be surprised if men were at least more likely than woman to end up beaten to the point where they aren’t able to make it to their workplace. It would fit very well with a lot of the current (gendered) theories on crime.
However, the real problem here isn’t so much Mr. Bad’s grasp of the facts, it’s his contention that men harrassing men and getting away with it is somehow the fault of women and those who seek to stop harassment of women. It’s wrong because justice isn’t a zero-sum game. No one should be harrassed. The fact that we’re concerned here about stopping the harassment of women doesn’t in any way support the harassment of men. It’s a non-sequitar.
Mr. Bad is letting his irrational hatred of feminism get in the way of rationally thinking about the situation.
Labyrus said: “Why do you assume these are the woman’s fault? Do you not think men can think for themselves?” No doubt you say the very same thing to, e.g., people who advocate “battered woman syndrome,” etc., right? After all, those women can think for themselves, right? Uh huh, I thought so…
Emma, fist off, the tables you referenced don’t give percentages, they give rate per thousand. Next, those tables report rates for reported crimes, so they don’t state the actual crime rates, thus, I think your numbers are too large by an order of magnitude. Further, because the data is for reporting, the numbers don’t reflect the probability of victimization, they reflect the probability of reporting a crime. If you care to, please provide a citation to the table(s) you used. However, from the document you cite I found the following: The total chance for being a victim of rape for both men and women is 0.08%; for women, the number is 0.14% and for men it is 0.01%, which in your own words are very small numbers (Table 2). You seeme to be trying to make the case that because a crime only affects a miniscule segment of our population, then we should not take it seriously, and perhaps in the case of certain people (wink, wink), ignore it. If that’s true, then surely we can ignore FGM, rape, sexual harassment, etc., and instead focus on assault, property crime, traffic violations, etc. Right?
Labyrus said: “However, the real problem here isn’t so much Mr. Bad’s grasp of the facts, it’s his contention that men harrassing men and getting away with it is somehow the fault of women and those who seek to stop harassment of women. It’s wrong because justice isn’t a zero-sum game. No one should be harrassed. The fact that we’re concerned here about stopping the harassment of women doesn’t in any way support the harassment of men. It’s a non-sequitar.”
No doubt you missed the part where I stated that “nobody should harass another” and that this is a “human problem,” and that we should all work to end harassment of all people by men and women alike. However, there are specific cases where women do indeed exploit men to do their dirty work in harassing other men, and denying it doesn’t negate that reality.
My positioin is simple: I don’t believe that men should risk their health and comfort confronting other men about what they see as boorish behavior, especially when women not only don’t do the same when women behave boorishly to men, but further, many women actually cheer their sisters on when they do so. Men simply don’t owe women this kind of consideration unless and until women show them the same. Until women start honoring their responsibilities in this matter, as far as I’m concerned the alliance is revoked.
No doubt you missed the part where I stated that “nobody should harass another†and that this is a “human problem,â€
I didn’t miss the part, I just ignored it. If in one breath you’re expressing sentiments that no one should be harrassed and in the next you’re setting conditions for when you “owe” people the consideration of actually making that happen it’s a strong indication you were being insincere in the first place.
Maybe this doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but I feel that actions speak a lot louder than words.
However, there are specific cases where women do indeed exploit men to do their dirty work in harassing other men, and denying it doesn’t negate that reality.
Nor does simply saying so create that reality.
I mean, I’ll give you that Margaret Thatcher was basically exploiting men to do her dirty work harassing other men (and women) by tossing them off welfare in the midst of a grave economic crisis. But on the occasions I’ve had to see men fight over a woman, the woman was definitely not the one who initiated it. I’m sure it happens occasionally but you have yet to produce any evidence that it happens on a scale we should be concerned about.
Personally, just from looking at the available statistics, the best I can tell is that men are most often both the victims and the perpetrators of harassment. I agree with you that this is an area of concern but it has little to do with the feminist movement.
You’re employing a very strongly collecivist analysis here that doesn’t treat people like individuals. I thought that sort of thing was usually a problem for you.
labyrus, if you care to discuss this sort of thing I invite to come over to the Stand Your Ground forums, where we can discuss these issues freely and with no censorship. If you feel you have a case – strong or otherwise – then you should be able to defend it in a free and fair venue. Simply come on over, create an account and start a thread.
I await a healthy and legitimate debate in a free, non-censored venue.
“…do you honestly see men being the victim of STREET harassment? It’s an honest question. I have never witnessed it.”
I’ve got to say this thread has opened my eyes. I did think that street harassment was just something builders did to women, and would have never thought of any of my experiences as that. But Mr Bad has a very good point that men do suffer street harassment, and that it just isn’t seen as such. When people normally talk about this sort of thing women’s experience of things like catcalls count as harassment, while men’s experience of threats of violence and physical intimidation don’t.
Regarding confronting other men: I’ve friends who haven’t done this when it’s happened to their girlfriends in their presence. I’m not criticising them for this. It’s just that if guys aren’t willing to run the risk of violence then, you can see how much of a big ask wanting men to stick up for total strangers is.
Acer – lots of women-on-men harassment is done by prostitutes. Obviously, these women are victims of circumstance and deserve sympathy. But, on the other hand, it’s still absolutely horrid to have your crotch grabbed by a stranger and be propositioned for sex. I’m not trying to do a victimhood competition, but just as there’s stuff that happens to women men don’t ’see’, there’s also stuff women aren’t really aware of. It’s not the sort of thing you’d bring up in conversation with your mum or wife.
I lived in a rough area of a big city for a year in college (I then got smart and drove in from the suburbs like most other people). I got threats, I got a few big guys standing in front of the door – with comments when you tried to go around them, I had people throw things at me from cars etc. Lots of crap. A lot of it seemed to be racially-based (I’m white, the area was predominantly black).
Gee, I think I’ll start an entire college subject devoted to my episodes.
I’ve noticed that a lot of women seem to be so hypnotized by society that they won’t even see something right under their nose when it happens.
An example was seeing a woman hit (not even slap, hit) her boyfriend/husband/whatever it was. If you said that the woman just assaulted the man, some women honestly wouldn’t even remember it or see it that way. It was a non-event in any case; some women wouldn’t remember it a few minutes later. It’s a bit bizarre.
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