Part three of the little series on feminist men, “nice guys”, and numbness will appear on Friday, deo volente.
For this morning, a response to a letter from “Donald”. Donald, a 28 year-old Christian, writes:
The question I have to pose is: Is it reasonable to expect that my girlfriend (23) should let me have more time by myself?
I work full time until 5:30pm Mon – Fri, we are both involved with the music team at our church which means Tuesday night rehearsals and going early for most of the am and pm services on Sundays, and I haveThursday nights to do domestic things like wash clothes or do shopping or whatever else needs doing. She works two or three days a week at the moment but wants more work. Apart from that, I’m with her every night after work and most of the day on Saturdays and Sundays.
We have dinner at her house and then watch shows or listen to music or talk and of course make out for a while a few nights. I’ve insisted that I need to leave her house at 10pm at the latest so that I can get to bed, but she always seems so down and forlorn when it’s time for me to go home and it can take forever for me to get out of the door. I go home wondering what I’ve done wrong, get home, fall into bed and get up at 5am to exercise and have breakfast and get ready for work. Lately I’ve been feeling likeI’m in a daze because I don’t ever seem to have any time for myself.
Being an introverted person I need time alone to recharge, and also after having so many years of my time being *my* time, this is a drastic change for me. Is this normal in relationships? I don’t have any experience to gauge it against, so maybe it is. But I need to work out how to arrange more time to ‘retreat to my cave’ or else I think I’m going to fall over from exhaustion physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I chuckled a bit reading this. The clear implication from Donald’s letter is that he and his gal are not sleeping together in either sense of the word; presumably they are waiting until marriage. In an odd way, the commitment the two of them seem to have to chastity exacerbates the problem; if Donald was sleeping over at his girlfriend’s place regularly, that would eliminate the problem of her forlornness every evening when he left. (She might be clingy in the mornings too, but his need to go to work might carry more weight.) But of course, I’m not going to recommend that they begin spending the night together as a a solution to their dilemma.
Donald seems like a nice guy (lower-case, as opposed to the “Nice Guys” whom we regularly excoriate.) And it’s hard for someone who has people-pleasing instincts and little serious relationship experience to avoid feeling guilty when he happens to be the one who wants to spend less time together. It is almost axiomatic that whatever the activity (spending time together, sex, etcetera), whichever person in the relationship has the lower desire also has the greater power. And it’s not a lot of fun to choose, as Donald feels he has to choose, between disappointing someone he cares for and depriving himself of much needed “down time.”
Those of us who come out of Christian backgrounds often have a particularly hard time setting boundaries in relationships. Those who are “cradle Christians” or adolescent converts are often deeply attached to the idea that “true love” is always sacrificial. Donald might know his Scripture well — he’s called to love his wife (or the woman who might someday be his wife) as Christ loved His church, giving himself up for her. I know a lot of young Christians who take that language very seriously indeed. And when your notions of “true love” mix in the desire for romantic fusion with the theological language of endless sacrifice, it’s fairly obvious you’re gonna have a hard time setting limits.
I know lots of young Christians who are “waiting” to have sex. Like Donald, they do date, and often find themselves in intensely emotional relationships. It is possible to be deeply in love and deeply committed without having sex, or at least, without having intercourse. (Lots of young Christians draw the line at “everything but”, something I’ve endorsed. See: Between the Already and the Not-Yet: a Long Post on Pre-marital Sexuality and Doing “Everything But.”) Sometimes, I think that those who are practicing pre-marital chastity often have more unrealistic expectations of what love should be than do their less-restrained counterparts.
It takes a lot of idealism to “wait” — and that idealism often transfers over into some wildly unhealthy ideas about how conflict ought to be negotiated. Those who do have a sexual component to their relationship quickly discover that in any lasting romance, desire fluctuates and is rarely equally present. They learn to compromise (or so one hopes). The “higher-desire” partner learns patience, and learns not to nag or pressure or sulk; the “lower-desire” partner gets to work through his or her own guilt. It’s good, healthy stuff: Love 101. Chaste Christians put off the conflict over unequal libidos, but often run into the very sort of problem that Donald is writing about — apparently incompatible levels of desire for time together.
Donald, you sound exhausted. You also sound like a very nice young fella who has a hard time setting boundaries. But the longer you go without setting the boundaries, without carving out time for yourself (to do those things you introverts do), the more your resentment and exhaustion will grow. Your girlfriend, no matter how needy she may appear, will eventually sense that resentment, and it’ll only make matters worse. I don’t have a formula that can dictate exactly how much time you ought to spend together. That has to be negotiated. Every night is clearly too much for you, and that’s okay. One night a week is probably too few. Asking for a couple of nights a week for Donald simply to “be” (or to sleep) is not unreasonable. It’s not evidence that you don’t love your girlfriend as much as you could.
When you bring this up, girlfriend may hit you with “Maybe you don’t really love me! If you really loved me you would want to be with me all the time. I really love you and I want to be with you always, and if you felt the same way you’d want the same thing.” That kind of reasoning is very compelling to a great many people, but as any therapist or theologian (I’m, uh, neither, but I’ve been around the block a time or eight-nine) will tell you, it’s based on false premises. True love is partnership, not delirious fusion. Real romantic connection empowers both parties to be more effective in serving the world. The love that God calls you to is designed to strengthen and sustain both of you, helping you to become more of who it is that you were called to be.
When and if your girlfriend reacts badly to your desire for more “time alone”, you do need to be both reassuring and firm. Reassure her that you don’t want someone else, that you’re not falling out of love with her; be firm and don’t give in on the basic principle that you need your “Donald time.” I’ve been in your position, Donald, and I’ve been in your girlfriend’s. Years ago, when I was the guy who wanted to spend more time with a certain woman I was seeing exclusively, she was wonderfully candid with me: “Hugo”, she said, “you’ve got to give me the chance to miss you“. I heard that. It made good sense then and it makes good sense now. A little time away does wonders . Most healthy people aren’t attracted to needy partners. Your desire for independence may spark the same in your girlfriend if you stick to your commitment to get more time for yourself. And when you see her come alive with enthusiasm for other people and other activities besides you, I guarantee that your interest in spending time with her will flare up again nicely. Dependency is rarely sexy; autonomy almost always is.
Incompatible desire in relationships doesn’t have to be the deal-breaker most people think it is. Sooner or later, in every relationship some degree of profound incompatibility will emerge. Learning to negotiate through this usually painful, frequently scary experience is a vitally important skill to develop. You will have to work through your feelings of guilt; your girlfriend through her feelings of rejection. But if you do it prayerfully and lovingly and firmly, practicing radical honesty with each other and radical trust in the God who made you both, you have the great opportunity to transform your relationship and your selves. Best of luck.
I don’t think this is necessarily about differing desire, “clinginess,” etc.; what I think it really going on here is that Donald and his girlfriend are in very different situations with respect to free time – he’s spending all of his with her, but not vice versa. When one partner has a large time commitment like working full-time, and the other doesn’t, it can be tough to find a balance of “together time” and “alone time” that’s satisfying to both.
I get the sense, jfp, that the “forlorn” response Donald’s girlfriend has every night when he leaves is evidence of a “desire discrepancy.” Of course, work plays into it as well — but whether it is introversion or obligation that makes him want to leave, Donald and his gf need to do some honest negotiating.
This is a beautiful post. It sums up a lot of what my boyfriend and I have been going through. With that, I’m stealing this topic and posting about it over at my place. Thanks!
Nice post. To me, time and space to be yourself, and take care of your own needs is essential in a relationship.
I find if I don’t insist on that, the time and attention I end up giving to my wife is half-hearted and not totally sincere. There is a certain tinge of resentment and distance on my part even when we’re together, and she picks up on that. It creates a bad dynamic. When I take care of myself, I can give more completely.
I wonder what happens when Donald’s girlfriend gets a full-time job.
I think all your relationship/codependence points, which are good, could have been made without the tone of slight wonder/scorn for their decision not to have intercourse or at least “everything but.” If she is that clingy it sounds like having his own place is a welcome refuge, and the intense emotional and physical bond of sex might prove one more place it is hard for him to set limits and take care of himself.
It is far from proven that couples who live together or have premarital sex, as you suggest, are emotionally healthier and have better communication–my husband and I found the opposite in our chaste one year engagement. Refraining from sex and living together helped us communicate much better and gave us the freedom to end the engagement, should it become evident that was the healthy choice, up till the very last minute. (I don’t judge or push abstinence on anyone–on the down side, it wasn’t ideal for learning to have sex once we were married since I am a survivor of clergy sexual abuse). But people who don’t have sex during serious dating, which is a reasonable choice, and people who don’t hook-up, which is a healthy one, are considered so bizarre in this culture that they don’t need Christians joining in the sneering, even slightly–especially those who claim to believe that waiting can be a reasonable choice and who are aware of the dangers of “consent-rather-than-enthusiasm”. Just because the relationship is — or may become–ongoing justn’t take away that problem.
Clarification of last comment: “refraining from sex and living together helped us” should read “refraining from sex and *from* living together.”
I don’t have a formula that can dictate exactly how much time you ought to spend together. That has to be negotiated.
This is key. Donald doesn’t look like he’s necessarily falling into this trap, but too many people seem to think there’s a formula for relationships and everything will work out if they just follow it. In reality, relationships are built by and out of negotiations between the particular people involved.
Mother Laura, I am sorry the tone came across as “sneering.” Rather, I was pointing out one particular draw-back in this case.
I’ve been married four times. Three times out of four, we didn’t live together before marriage. In one, we were chaste before marriage, while in the other three we were sexual prior to our wedding day. And it’s pretty damn clear to me that there is no magic formula for either success or failure.
I don’t read this as a desire issue, couldn’t this just be an introvert/extrovert thing? I’m an introvert (like the guy who wrote the letter) and I *really* need downtime away from people on a regular basis or I get exhausted and turn into a snappy harridan from hell – and that includes my partner and children.
Even though I’ve been living with my partner for over a decade I still need some time away even from him. Luckily he’s an introvert too, so we understand each other. After this length of time together I need less time away from him but at the start of the relationship there was no way that either of us could have born spending every evening and every weekend together. Nowadays we tend to spend maybe 2 evenings a week doing our own thing – usually I read a book and he works in his workshop on the old motorbike he’s restoring.
It isn’t necessarily a sexual desire issue — but the introvert/extrovert thing can have a huge impact on one’s desire to spend time together. Desire imbalances go beyond the bedroom.
I’m happy, as an ENFP, to be married to an ESTP. (But oh man, me and the ISTJ didn’t do so well.)
Is it also possible that she’s insecure about the relationship for some reason? I know that when I’ve been insecure, my need for reassurance has been upped, although I am usually a person who needs her time apart once in awhile.
That said, it also seems somewhat manipulative, if not passive aggressive, especially with the sad puppy dog faces and such. Really, the only thing you can do, IMHO, is to lay your cards down. If you need some you-time, just don’t preface it as needing space, because that will probably be misinterpreted. But you shouldn’t have to feel bad for being exhausted and overworked and needing some time alone for your batteries to recharge.