Best wishes to you and your wife today, Hugo. I hope that you’re both surrounded by love.

It’s been a longer time that my father died suddenly, two days after Christmas. I still feel sad. Grief does endure and it is not dwelling to feel sadness due to loss–it is normal. I feel sadness reading your post, because it recalls memories. There’s no time limit on feeling grief–it is the intensity that changes. I agree with Lester that people put too much emphasis on feeling “positive” emotions. (I don’t feel comfortable saying that this condition is specific to American culture.) People want you to pretend, not for your benefit as it’s all about them and it is incredibly selfish to try to dictate how someone should feel. Sadly imposing restrictions on what is okay to feel, how long and how much results in loss of an emotionally safe environment and honesty and intimacy are lost.

After my father died no one wanted me to talk about it. They said nothing or ignored my feelings entirely. Last year a friend’s father died. His talking about his father evoked strong feelings about my father and his death. I actually apologized to him for talking about my father during his time of grief and the feelings it created. I broke down and told him that it was the first time I had talked about it in years. His father’s death and talking about it restimulated my emotions. He responded with empathy and told me not to feel bad about talking about something which was normal and that he understood and was glad to offer me a safe place to talk about my feelings. That was a first. I say go with your feelings…and I’m sorry for your loss…I know how it feels.

Well, of course you’ll remain sad if you dwell on the person’s death for a year or two (or more). Personally, I’d rather remember the life, especially if that’s what they would want.

I hope so, too. My best (female) friend sent an email today that her stepfather who led her to the altar just two weeks ago and was a father much more than a stepfather died unexpectedly last night. I only met him briefly at the wedding, and I wasn’t close to him in any way. But reading her email I felt the sadness she must be feeling. Pain can suddenly spike when least expected, you’re right. We’re humans, after all. bmmg39 is right – death would be even sadder if one were forgotten. I’m sorry for your loss.

I believe that the late Cardinal John O’Connor said to a group of grieving families that he had no patience for the idea of closure — that there’s some sort of international timetable for how long it takes to go through the stages of grief. There is none. I worry about people who are “over it” just a year or two after a loss. Death would be even sadder if one were forgotten that quickly. I’ll be thinking of you.