As Californians prepare to vote next week on Proposition 4, which would require parental notification for minors seeking an abortion, my friend Catty offered the following reflection on her Facebook page. With her permission, I’m reprinting it here. Her very thoughtful piece, with some important insights into sex, abortion, souls and Japanese culture appears below the cut. And join both of us in voting no on Prop. 4.
Communication. Amazing how we’re blessed with so many ways to communicate- both biological and technological. Yet, as human beings, it remains one of the most difficult skills to learn and practice- not just the ability to get your message through clearly and effectively while properly framing the message to the receiver and the occasion- but also, providing an environment that fosters such exchanges to occur.
Here’s some basic information on the proposition for those that are not familiar.
I have actually written and re-written this post over the last several months. I could write about many things, but one of the issues when discussing abortion and unplanned pregnancy is that most people write about the subject in a way that often removes themselves directly from the situation.
Unplanned pregnancy is something that affects young girls every day- and very likely may have involved or will involve your sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, nieces.
I wrestled on how to talk about this, and have written and re-written this post for the last several months. I’ve decided, rather, to talk about I’m going to talk simply of my own experience and of what I have seen, and how that leads me to oppose this bill.
Family should be about love, and family should be about communication and support. I have undoubtedly come from a very loving family, and I have been nothing but blessed in most ways when it comes to being given a supportive family environment as a child.
That said, my family was never one where anything regarding sexuality and any related topic could be expressed with any kind of ease. The environment I grew up in was strictly one of “just say no (to sex outside of marriage)” where the subject was often discussed with much condemnation, admonishment and even disgust at those that fail to follow the conservative standards (my experience seems quite similar to many women that I’ve spoken with that grew up in very religious, conservative homes- however, my home was conservative due more to culture, not religion) that my mother grew up with in a sleepy farming town in Japan.
Some information of the mizuko concept here, including positive aspects, is here.
However, one of the most common belief is that of the mizuko worship is the flipside of the curse- that an aborted fetus will haunt and cause misfortune upon the mother that caused its demise unless properly “blessed” through religious ritual, and even then- an “improperly” done ritual (or many other variables like the ritual not done to the frequency of the liking of the fetus ghost) will not “cure” the situation. In fact, it’s an incredibly common idea STILL often repeated in popular ghost stories found throughout Japanese media- especially ones catering to women. It’s a very common belief to this day, especially strong in my mother’s generation.
It’s also a belief that my mother tends to hold.
In either case, sexuality portrayed in a positive light in any way was somewhat taboo, and events such as unplanned pregnancy was regarded as something that was catastrophic and shameful to family name, family reputation, personal reputation and spiritual salvation (that damned curse, you know). In my family, an unplanned pregnancy would have been dealt with quietly and swiftly (likely far away from place of residence, lest people recognize) with an abortion and never, ever, ever discussed or talked about later. The personal aftermath would be every misfortune silently being blamed on the event, and the child being regarded as somewhat of damaged goods that her future husband would take pity upon and a source of failure and shame. Wanting to keep the child would have been out of the question. The fact is that I would not really have a say in the matter.
As a teen, one of my long-term health crisis was related to ovarian and uterine cysts (something that runs fairly strong in my family) that caused incredible amounts of pain on schedule. The side benefit of this experience was that I- as much as I could- in college libraries, talking to doctors and nurses- about educating myself about my condition and the side benefit was that I had learned a great deal about the reproductive and hormonal system, and also- about reproductive rights and health issues in general. I was also blessed with friends with mothers that were medical professionals willing to discuss the subject on a factual level, openly and with candor. They provided an outlet and support for me that was completely unavailable at home.
As a teen, if I had to face an unplanned pregnancy, my parents would simply be the very last people I would talk to. I would prefer to talk to counselors, nurses, doctors and others, but NEVER my parents. As an adult, my answer does and will remain the same. Unplanned pregnancy often comes with a very difficult decision, and I refuse to be saddled with a lifetime addition of guilt and shame.
I was fortunate that I had friends’ mothers that were nurses and doctors that would have, in my circumstance, lead me to proper facilities and counsel. As an adult, I’m fortunate to have medical information and facts as well as the right to be able to decide for myself.
Had I not had those resources, I could very much see myself in Becky Bell’s shoes.
I would have no doubt that yes, I would have sought out an illegal abortion easily before telling my parents if that was the only option I knew of. I’ve never been shy, but had my personality been more reticent, I could easily see myself seeking an illegal abortion over having to face strange judges and the court system for a bypass.
If I had a daughter, I would want her to have access to medical professionals first and foremost. If my daughter did not come to me as her mother, that is a failure on my part to provide an environment where she could come and speak to me on that subject, and I would not want my failure to burden her with more obstacles in an already stressful situation.
As a daughter, if my mother demanded that she should know these information about me, I would have to tell her why. Why? After a lifetime of being taught shame, being taught guilt, being taught that such events would make me a cursed human being and damaged goods, what would make her think that she has the right or even the ability to understand and approach the subject rationally or compassionately? I understand, it’s not my mother’s fault per se- we are all part of our environment and what the environment and cultural dictates impose on out psyche. However, the question remains- what makes her- after a lifetime of receiving consistent negative messages FROM her- that I should by default confide in her on this subject- as a minor or an adult?
Yet, I have absolutely no doubt I come from a loving family. I have no doubt that some of my mother’s expressions, even negative ones- come from a desire to protect and come from love.
Some of the most gut-wrenching stories have come from teens and women who have come from neglectful or abusive families where such disclosure could mean more than emotional disapproval- but loss of home, physical trauma and more.
Sometimes, love is not enough, and love will not protect your children enough. There has to be more. Communication and fostering an environment where candid communication can take place can, and will do far more than this law ever will. Unfortunately, good communication is not something that can be mandated by law. It’s only something that parents can actively build on their own with their own children.
I know my experience is not alone. I know of similar experiences in so many women of different races, religions, cultures and economical backgrounds- the commonality being that their household was hostile to any discussion on unplanned pregnancy where the parental disclosure would be a long-term burden moreso than a relief.
I am one of many, and this type of law would have caused more harm than protection for women like me.
Unfortunately, good communication is not something that can be mandated by law.
And that’s what it really boils down to. What should the law do? What can the law do? Should the law dictate how families talk to each other? Is that something that’s appropriate for the legislature to try to do? CAN the law affect how families talk to each other? Can it actually accomplish what it sets out to do? If not, it’s a waste of time and resources passing it and trying to enforce it.
Being more realistic here, I realize that the proponents of Prop 4 are not thinking like this – they’re just squicked about abortions, are trying to manipulate parental feelings and are going for any angle they can to signal their disapproval without thinking about “Is this even an appropriate thing to legislate? Is that what our laws are for?”
In the end, they’re probably thinking that they can stop some abortions from happening because there will be parents who force their daughters to carry to term. Which is just creepy and abusive.
Or, because they think that many teenage girls will stall telling their parents until they’re too far along to abort.
These are not nice people we’re talking about. In their last round of trying to get this passed, they tried to sneak in a definition of life beginning at conception, lied about it, and then lied about what the legal effect of that would be.
The argument commonly expressed against No in 4 (and a valid one) is that it puts abused teens at risk, and they’re right. I remember talking to a woman that grew up in the foster care system and the last thing she would want to do is get a judicial bypass- she would have easily risked an illegal abortion had that been her easiest option compared to disclosing to her biological or foster parents or having to talk to a judge.
The thing is, one could come from a very loving family (me, or Becky for that matter) and still be more than willing to take that very risk because there’s an impasse when it comes to beliefs stemming from culture, religion, etc.
A loving family does not always equate being able to talk and come to an agreement that both parties can live with on every subject.
Thank you for posting this, Hugo. I’m honored, since I greatly respect your writing- so the fact that you found my writing to be acceptable for posting on your blog means a lot to me.