Comments on: Self-medicating versus self-soothing

By: Jas

Jas — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:01:25 +0000

Thanks for sharing this, it’s just what I need.

By: Geni

Geni — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 00:23:32 +0000

Bingo! Your last paragraph is perfect. Glad you relinked this!

By: The Bitten Apple

The Bitten Apple — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 07:50:11 +0000

I loved this. I needed this. Thank you.

By: Erica

Erica — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:34:10 +0000

like everyone else so far, i find this post so very useful.

By: sabrina

sabrina — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:25:29 +0000

you sum things up and explain so perfectly as usual

By: jeanne

jeanne — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:23:06 +0000

Outstanding post.

By: anon

anon — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 05:15:02 +0000

this is a very insightful and useful post. one of the main reasons that my recent long term relationship broke down was because my partner could no longer manage his anxiety levels. i realized that he was no longer relating to me as a person, but using me as a binky – an object to calm himself down. which meant that i had to be there all the time, had to listen to every feeling he had that day, had to always be available. he couldn’t sleep without me, but got insomnia because i would move in my sleep, for example. which, of course, as a person who very much needs my alone time even when i’m at my most sociable level, drove me away, screaming (metaphorically speaking).

so, yeah. very helpful distinction between self-medicating and self-soothing.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:09:08 +0000

Hi Hugo. I havent checked your blog in a while and I find it interesting that the day I decide to take a look, your post speaks directly to my situation.
I just started dating someone about three weeks ago and because of the holidays we have had to put off seeing eachother for the past week or so. Although we have talked regularly, I have found myself feeling anxious about why he had not called when I expected him to. I really like this man and I think my anxiety comes partly from finding someone that I actually like this way this much.
I am so particular about the people I let get close and he is so gentle and humble. When he would’nt call, I would suspect the worst and I would make him out to be like some of the men I have encountered in the past. But then he would call, and everything would calm down again when I realized that he is nothing like those men.
He is, I think, a person who is naturally distant in some ways. Maybe thats why I am so attracted to him.

By: Hilary

Hilary — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:18:27 +0000

Very insightful. Thanks, as alwaaaays.

By: Leonard

Leonard — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 00:22:16 +0000

Just wanted to add a couple of thoughts to what is already a great post.

I have a lot of experience as the partner who is more withdrawn, and I’d like to offer something that goes even one step further – when the partner wants/needs to withdraw, leaving them alone to pay attention to your own self-fulfillment is an *actively* loving thing to do. If someone cares about you, seeing you find something that ignites your passions and raises your spirits makes them happy also.

Frankly, many people who have a tendency to withdraw into their interests are also socialized into feeling guilty about it. So the more active you are at investing in your own self-fulfillment, the more your partner’s mind will be at ease about the time they take.