Though I didn’t respond at the time, I’ve been mulling a comment made by Leslee below this post . I had written on Tuesday about daughters and the not-surprising fact that most of my mentees at the college are women (the high school youth groupers are more evenly divided by sex.) Leslee, who worked in my office for a colleague a few years ago, and knows me well, wrote:
I think the issue, Hugo, is that girls are more likely to seek out male mentors than boys are. And having worked in your office for your officemate, I’ve noticed that your mentees are disproportionately white and pretty. That doesn’t mean that you only choose white girls and pretty girls to mentor. But young women who feel confident about their looks, if not much else, are more likely to seek out a male mentor like you because they are more certain of getting some kind of attention.
As discomfiting as it is to read those words, there’s enough truth in them to deserve a response.
I bend over backwards to avoid, as much as is humanly possible, playing favorites. I do everything I can not to let a student’s appearance, or race, or even (as in this 2007 post about mentoring) bad body odor interfere with my attentiveness to him or her. As I’ve written before, when working with young people (or even with colleagues) I remember the prayer I was taught many years ago:
“God, show me this person not as I see them but as you see them. Help me to be for them what I am called by you to be. Remove from me my fears and my selfish desires, and show me how to love them as you love themâ€.
And that works, and works better and better as I get older and more experienced as a professor, a youth leader, and a mentor to teens and young adults. But that previous post was about the importance of having really excellent boundaries, and it didn’t address Leslee’s point, which was that certain kinds of students, particularly those who perceive themselves as attractive or entitled by class and race, are more likely to be bold about seeking me out as a mentor.
I teach about 700 students per year, and have taught well over 10,000 in my sixteen years here at the college. At any given time, I have perhaps half a dozen current students whom I mentor, and stay in touch with a few dozen more among those who were formerly here on campus. Two-thirds are women, and perhaps two-thirds are white — numbers that don’t match up perfectly with my total student demographic. Certainly some of the women (and men) whom I mentor are conventionally attractive and outgoing; when the subject of the Myers-Briggs personality test comes up (as it sometimes does, especially on Facebook), an astonishingly high percentage of the young with whom I work are ENFP or ENFJ. Like may indeed draw like.
We know all too well that we raise many young women in our society to see attractiveness as currency. We teach them, either with our words or our actions, that sexiness buys attention. By the time they come to college, a great many young women have absorbed this unfortunate lesson that leaves some feeling invisible and others feeling like the constant object of penetrating gazes. And of course for a few, a sense of their own desirability leads to at least a fleeting increase in confidence about seeking out help or guidance from older, presumably more powerful males. Long before they enter my office, some young women have learned that attractiveness has a habit of opening doors, including doors that they aren’t at all sure they wanted open in the first place. I make no secret of the fact that I’m open to mentoring young people (of all sexes and all backgrounds); I also make no secret of the fact that I’m, well, a pretty busy guy. There’s little doubt that in some instances, those who feel most confident about seeking me out are those who have been taught that older men will pay attention to them.
This does not mean that young women who assess themselves as conventionally attractive are manipulative. But we use the tools we’ve got, and though from a feminist standpoint we might long for a world where our daughters grow up without a sense that sexiness is such a tool, the simple truth is that our girls do grow up — all too often — with this perception. This doesn’t mean that those who come to my door have a sexual interest in me; indeed, almost none of them do. What they want is academic and personal mentoring of the sort that a gender studies professor traditionally provides. But when they weigh whether or not to “impose” on my time, it is perhaps true that those who have had experience getting male attention are more confident about raising their hand to knock on my office door. This certainly doesn’t apply in all cases, but over time, it may lead to a situation in which I have to be proactive about ensuring that my “mentee pool” is made up of the less confident as well. And as Leslee’s comment pointed out, this phenomenon also can create the unhappy perception that I am primarily interested in mentoring only pretty young women.
Leslee’s comment also addressed race. Overall, fewer than a quarter of my students are “white”, and that number is far smaller if you exclude the substantial Armenian demographic. But over half of my mentees are white — though I work closely, I am happy to say, with Asian and Latina/o and African-American students. Certainly, those students, regardless of sex, who are most likely to seek me out for mentoring tend to be disproportionately white, middle-class and native-born. There are several possible reasons for this: one, of course, is that there is always a vaguely parental element to mentoring. Though only a tiny percentage of students see me as a genuine father figure, it makes sense that those who share my ethnic background would have an easier time projecting that paternal image on to me. Of the students who have paid me that very sweet and very great compliment of calling me a Dad figure, almost all have been white, though by no means have they all been female. That’s not a bad thing, of course, but it’s worth looking at closely to make sure I’m not doing something unconsciously racist to drive other sorts of students away.
White and middle-class students also tend to have a greater degree of confidence about navigating around a college campus. Those whose parents went to college may have heard stories from moms and dads about their own relationships with certain professors, and as a result, may be more likely themselves to see mentoring as something to which they are entitled. That means that I must work twice as hard to be welcoming to those who tend to have professors on so high a pedestal that they become unapproachable — and experience and common sense suggest that first-generation students (disproportionately non-white) tend to be the ones most easily intimidated by those who do what I do.
Mentoring, which can include personal as well as professional direction, is a vital part of my job. But it’s not something I can offer to 750 students a year. As a result, I have no choice but to rely on my students’ “self-selection” process. I make it clear my door is open (or at least unlocked), but the responsibility is theirs to knock, to come in, to ask me for a minute or twenty of my time. It’s clear that I teach and mentor in the body of a forty-something white man. And it’s clear, for whatever reason, that with a few very notable exceptions, those who feel most comfortable seeking me out are those who share at least in part my heritage. It’s also clear that at least in some instances, those who perceive themselves as conventionally attractive have perhaps a bit more confidence about seeking out the guidance they want, particularly from older mentors of another sex.
My job, of course, is to be equally available and supportive to all those who come to me, regardless of sex or looks or race. But that’s not quite good enough, I realize: I’ve got to be better at noticing the cultural dynamics that lead some to be more comfortable seeking me out than others. And to the best of my ability, I have to take “affirmative action” to invite all who could benefit to bang on my door, or send me a Facebook friend request, or ask for a few minutes of my time.
Personal attractiveness definitely is a charged issue for women. I was just reading about a small company that offers various pampering services at hospitals (massages, etc.) to women who have just given birth. The name of the company (choke) is “Go Home Gorgeous.” The message, of course, is that even though you have gone through the most exhilirating, exhausting, profound experience, what really matters is how you look!
It’s funny how “approachable” a professor seems must clearly be very different depending upon the subject he or she teaches. I was an engineering student, and in terms of automatic self-and-other stereotyping, if you are a white female engineering student, you are automatically the third-least-appealing engineering student in terms of success and brilliance that there is. If anyone is interested, here is the hierarchy, from students assumed by others (and unavoidably, sometimes internalized) to be the most successful engineering students to the least successful:
1.White males and Asian males (whether Asian-American or not irrelevant)
2.Males of color from outside the United States
3.African-American and Hispanic males
4.Females of color from outside the United States and Asian-American females
5.White females
6.African-American and Hispanic females
The lower you fall on the totem pole, the less likely you are to feel comfortable seeking out the instructor’s attention, as it’s perceived as weakness (“oh of course she needs help!”). And if you are an attractive female, you’re seen as probably attempting to use that to “charm” your instructor into “extra help,” garnering a pre-emptive contempt strike from students and instructors alike. And since a large number of your instructors, if not all of them, are either old white men or men from extremely patriarchal cultures outside of the United States, the way you will be treated when you ask for it is not the same as the way the male students are–”condescending” is putting it mildly.
Of course this isn’t true for all instructors–there are the true natural teachers who delight in aiding all students regardless and there are also those professors who strongly resent being required to teach undergraduate classes as a price for their research grants and lab space and they tend not to distinguish between students in terms of treatment either–they hate ‘em all equally.
But since we seem to be discussing stereotypes and rules of thumb–it’s a far different world in engineering school than in gender studies school, it sounds like!
Hugo:
Wow, I never thought I’d get a whole post in response! Thank you!
Another issue: because you are a popular professor (especially since you won that award for hottest prof in the country), there is I think a little bit of cashet (sp?) in being one of your mentees. It’s like being close to you in some way that other people see increases their own popularity.
I am glad you are working to be more welcoming to everyone. It also might help if you cleaned your desk again!
Huh…interesting. This sounds like a self esteem issue. The assumption is prettier girls feel better about themselves and have more confidence.
Although I never thought of myself as overly confident about the way I looked, I remember seeking out my professors. I did it because I a)needed help badly, b)thought my professor was an interesting person, or c)needed a good reference for my resume. What I did feel was the confidence to carry on an intelligent conversation. I never thought the way I looked had anything to do with it…and now your blog has given me food for thought. I did have one professor seek me out. He asked me to help him read term papers which meant I had to spend many, many hours in his office. He even asked me out…a situation which made me uncomfortable since he had a reputation for dating his students. Now I don’t know if he asked me for help because of my looks or brains…
Thanks Hugo. Maybe I’m better looking than I thought!
Glad you liked it, Leslee. Yeah, the desk will get cleaned.
Cathy, you write: The assumption is prettier girls feel better about themselves and have more confidence.
Two different things. Self-esteem has nothing to do with the confidence one is attractive. Really, very different — knowing that you’re “hot” in the eyes of the world may give you the sense that you can get attention if you need it, but that doesn’t mean you feel good about it or enjoy and delight in that attribute. Low self-esteem and a high estimation for one’s own ability to attract men are by no means mutually exclusive, at least not among some of the young women with whom I’ve worked.
Hi, Hugo!
It’s interesting that I should read this post a day after I had a talk with my mom about the insecurity I felt about approaching my university professors. Although I’ve never given any thought about the professor’s gender or race, I do remember feeling a bit more comfortable with the profs who were women. However, the way I look or dress has never been an issue with me – I’ve gone to my profs’ office hours for help when I was at my absolute worst – but it was more of the issue of whether or not I would embarrass myself by saying something utterly stupid and give off an impression of a sub-par student (and ultimately, a “waste of time”) to the professor. So yes, it definitely is an issue of self-esteem, but at least for me it’s not about my appearance, but about demonstrating my intelligence sufficiently enough for the prof to warrant spending some time with me.
I think you’re on the right step, though – professors who either make it a mandatory thing to contact them, or are really VERY friendly and INSIST repeatedly that we come to their office hours or arrange appointments with them to discuss ANYTHING are usually the professors I find easiest to contact. Students already know a professor leads a busy life, so sometimes reinforcing that notion by dismissing the student can lead to people questioning whether or not they are “good enough” for the professor’s time.
Anyway, I always really enjoy your posts! I’m going to go look at some of the top 30 feminist blogs you suggested now. =)
Just stumbled onto your blog tonight, and it’s got me thinking about a few things in my own experience.
I’m a professor of biological sciences, so I spend a lot of time both in front of a lecture hall and in teaching labs, often up close and hands-on with students. I’ve occassionally experienced crushes and while I do find it on some level flattering, I agree that it’s not usually about physical attraction but intellectual stimulation or emotional acceptance. When I was a student I had a crush on a professor, and it was a combination of his passion, intellect, long hair, blue eyes, tattoos, motorcycle… and the fact that he adored his wife and kids made him even more attractive. There is something hot about someone unattainable.
I’ve had students develop the “girl crush” in which a female student is intensely interested in my work and life – and this usually comes from young women who see something in my life that they would like in their own, as you have said. Often it is, as many posts here suggest, young women who are looking for a role model, who maybe have been devalued in other aspects of their lives. Sometimes they find it refreshing that someone in a position of alleged power is listening to them and looking them in the eye rather than the chest – something that unfortunately all too many male professors I know can’t seem to manage. Sometimes they are career-oriented, confident, and looking to network. Some see me as a friend, which is great, but sometimes tough to differentiate between “friend” and “peer.” If they want to chat about our similar experiences with rescued pets, wonderful – and if they want to do so over coffee, great. But when they ask me to go clubbing with them and their sorority sisters – not so great. Drawing that line can be difficult, but I recognize that this is a problem I will likely not have forever, as I probably won’t be seen as a candidate for girls’ night as I leave my current early 30s. The hard part is finding the balance between being a friend who will laugh with students and talk about music, but still be the tough prof who pushes them in the classrooom and demands professional respect.
I’ve occassionally experienced the “crush” that you don’t detail, for obvious reasons – that of the young straight hormonal college male. This isn’t the guy who wants to ask about my Superbowl picks after class, or if I can recommend a good vet. This is the guy who makes a point of flexing his biceps, wearing nice cologne, acting way too cool and bad-ass (I dunno, I guess that’s what 20-year olds think is effective), offering to give me a ride across town and play whatever music I want on the way, commenting on my necklace/earrings/perfume as I lean over to help focus a microscope.
This is a little different than the way female students are attracted to the male professor, mainly because we don’t see young men being objectified and/or ignored in the same way that young women sometimes are. But at the same time, it is still absolutely about attraction to “power” not physical attractiveness. I think it comes from a young guy who has experience only with girls his age – the girls desperately seeking approval from their own profs – and are intrigued by a different style, a woman who has degrees and skills and a white lab coat, a woman who knows stuff, and presumably has money, a home, and a great car (my apartment is a mess, my car is a 3-year old 4-cylinder coupe, and I’m broke, but they don’t know that). A compliment about my perfume is often followed by admiration of some skill (“You’re so good at this, I could never be that good at microscopy.”) I use this as a chance to encourage, by telling them it’s just practice and experience, and with practice they will be just as good at it as I am.
I admit, I’m sometimes a little flattered by the attention, trying not to laugh at the same time I’m thinking “Holy inappropriate, Batman!” when a student blows me a kiss as he leaves the room. I’m enjoying it now because it’s innocent and it won’t last forever; in a few years I won’t have young men inviting me to come watch them play hockey.
But then, I might, because I know it’s not really about me. It’s the lab coat.
Jennifer, check out my archive on student crushes, especially this post:
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2006/03/24/some-thoughts-on-teaching-and-student-crushes/
I absolutely agree with your assessment, by the way!
“Although I never thought of myself as overly confident about the way I looked, I remember seeking out my professors. I did it because I a)needed help badly, b)thought my professor was an interesting person, or c)needed a good reference for my resume. What I did feel was the confidence to carry on an intelligent conversation. I never thought the way I looked had anything to do with it…and now your blog has given me food for thought.”
It sounds like you have kind of an invisible confidence in your looks, in that they do not give you pause when you go to ask for something from someone.
I always hated seeking out my professors. Generally I could answer my own questions, so it didn’t become a problem until I got to the point where we had mandatory things that requires individual sponsorship. But I hate asking people for their time under any circumstance, especially in person, and an everpresent part of that is the thought, “Am I not doing them a disservice by forcing them to pay attention to such an unattractive, ugly person? Most people are too polite to say anything, but isn’t it likely that they will resent that?” Statistically, conventionally pretty people do get better outcomes.