Now, certainly, one may have friends who are close enough that you absolutely know their life circumstances and how your words will be received. But if you know someone that well, you also aren’t going to be giving unsolicited advice; you’ll be having a mutual discussion to help a friend.

Otherwise, if you haven’t already, one of these days you’re going to be ‘helpful’ to a woman who’s had three miscarriages, or whose fiance just told her he doesn’t want children after all, or who found out that some terrible hereditary disease runs in her family and being a mother means she has to adopt.

Because we like open discussion and the free exchange of ideas, even those with which we disagree. Maybe such a discussion can lead to a rethinking of deeply held values. Or maybe not, but the exchange is interesting. Unless you only like echo chambers and choir-preaching, but an educator ought to be above that, I’m sure.

As I said – women, really, really do not need to be told about this, they already know about it VERY well. And if they have missed the biological clock striking midnight it is not because some well meaning young chap, who does not yet have the wisdom of maturity, didn’t tell them it was turning 6pm – it’ll be because they didn’t find a man they could create a good family with, or becuase there is some circumstance in their life which stopped them (like recovering from serous child trauma or the like) they will have tried,,,, believe me, very often heartbreakingly. You saying those things to women is totally pointless and counter productive and will only serve to rub salt in any wounds caused by their disappointments so far (whatever their age) in the search for a suitable partner.

So while you are searching for the mother of your children (which, by the way with your proposed timetable, you don’t have much time for) bear this in mind because you don’t want to risk turning her off in this way – you could miss the boat too. You need to grasp every oppurtunity you can. Even if you think this way of speaking to women is ok, please believe me it is a massive turn off and they will be running for the hills. Call it a man woman thing if you like. But I am advising you to take this advice, it is NOT a nice feeling to be faced with the prospect of being unable to have children, so don’t rub salt in and do what yo can to avoid being there yourself.

Um, that’s not the spirit in which I say that at all. I say it in the spirit of, “I love you as a friend and sister in Christ, I wish you a happy life full of children, and I’d like to offer whatever suggestions I can to help you get there- in the confidence that even if you don’t agree with me, you will still appreciate my concern.”

Also, for the record, I don’t know of any couple – provided they remain monogamous and had no STD’s coming in to the relationship – who ever had to worry about STD’s.

Pretending anecdote is proof for the moment, you’re telling me you’ve never known a couple in a supposedly monogamous relationship where one person is fooling around, and you’ve never known a couple where one person brought an STD into the relationship?

And Hector, what matey said – don’t be That Guy.

Some more advice: On the whole, women are very much aware of their fertility window, they tend ti look into these things and do their own research. It can often be a very sensitive and painful issue, so when giving advice to them I’d make sure it’s solicited, and accurate. If you tell them their window is smaller than it actually is you will risk alienating them and p’ing them off. When men do this it can feel like a kind of smug and heartless, ha, ha, the game’s up for you but I’ll still be spawning them at 75 like Rod Stewart or Peter Stringfellow… and be leaving my poor (most probably imaginary) future wife who probably isn’t born yet to look after the kids alone.

So there we have it, we agree that both men and women should ideally start having biological kids by 40.

I think it’s up to you to decide what your equal is – according to your priorities and values, it’s your relationship after all! Good luck and I wish you many grandchildren.

A) I’m a conservative, too, and I haven’t perceived that we’ve been told to shup up.

B) You’re right about birth control being only ~99% effective. My mother conceived my brother – while carefully on two types of birth control – when she was in her mid-thirties. Apparently fertility isn’t always a problem in one’s thirties.

Er, I don’t find it patronizing. (But then again, I subscribe to fairly authoritarian and paternalistic views about politics and religion, so I find relatively few things ‘patronizing’.) I disagree with some of your statements- in what sense should a relationship be “equal”? In terms of age? Height? Earning power? Education? Social status? Temperament? Strength of will? There are a lot of people who are deferential by nature, and who don’t necessarily want to be “equals” in their relationships- some men as well as some women. I fail to see the virtue into forcing them to conform to some feminist egalitarian script.

I mean, I’m not a particularly strong-willed person, by nature, and I would be happy deferring in most things to my (eventual) wife. I see no need to have my way 50% of the time, or whatever Hugo’s idea of “equality” means.

I do agree with you though that men should not put off having children too late either. I’m in my late 20s and I certainly _hope_ that I’ve started having children well before 40.

Good Lord, no – the ability to carry to term and survive a difficult birth is connected to maturity.

I’m offering no advice you should. I am offering information that one has a window – which shifts from person to person – as to when, presuming fertility, one may conceive, carry to term, and survive a difficult birth. That window has a general range, but no set time frame.

Same for men; while the curve is much less steep and except rarely doesn’t have the “Th-th-th-the-th-That’s All, Folks!” element of female menopause, sperm count, motility, and viability tapers off with age.

If biological children are important to you, it is one which should be kept in mind. If you don’t wish children, are willing or wanting to adopt, or to be a step parent – well, the above does not apply.