Comments on: “Sin boldly”: against the trap of the “emotional” affair http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/ Author, Speaker, Professor, Shattering Gender Myths Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:08:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Geni http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10956 Geni Mon, 25 Oct 2010 02:32:42 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10956 Oh. Wow. Just hit me like a ton of bricks: I had an emotional affair with a much older married man several years ago, and I remember how proud I was that I wasn't sleeping with him. We ate our lunches together,texted and emailed a dozen times a day, and we told each other how much we loved each other. I loved him more because he wouldn't touch me... Live and learn, I guess. Thanks for this. I'm so tempted to send a link to it to him. But even I know enough to know that would just be fishing. Oh. Wow.

Just hit me like a ton of bricks: I had an emotional affair with a much older married man several years ago, and I remember how proud I was that I wasn’t sleeping with him. We ate our lunches together,texted and emailed a dozen times a day, and we told each other how much we loved each other. I loved him more because he wouldn’t touch me…

Live and learn, I guess. Thanks for this. I’m so tempted to send a link to it to him. But even I know enough to know that would just be fishing.

]]> By: mythago http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10955 mythago Mon, 02 Mar 2009 06:13:00 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10955 <blockquote>the “emotional affair” would likely include things you’re hiding from your spouse</blockquote> Right - it's the affair, not the emotion, that's the problem.

the “emotional affair” would likely include things you’re hiding from your spouse

Right – it’s the affair, not the emotion, that’s the problem.

]]> By: sonny williamson http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10954 sonny williamson Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:49:11 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10954 My friends sex partner spoke to me on the subject and agreed to be quoted. "Baaa-ba-ba Ba-ah." Personally I am thankful that I live on the east coast. My friends sex partner spoke to me on the subject and agreed to be quoted. “Baaa-ba-ba Ba-ah.”

Personally I am thankful that I live on the east coast.

]]> By: Hector http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10953 Hector Sun, 01 Mar 2009 15:33:08 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10953 Hugo, I don't know any such either (and, it must be said, 'permission' is often a nebulous thing). But given the range of human behavior, I'm sure there are such couples out there somewhere. Hugo,

I don’t know any such either (and, it must be said, ‘permission’ is often a nebulous thing). But given the range of human behavior, I’m sure there are such couples out there somewhere.

]]> By: Hugo Schwyzer http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10952 Hugo Schwyzer Sun, 01 Mar 2009 01:01:35 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10952 Hector, I've never met a couple who permitted emotional affairs but not physical ones -- it's beyond the realm of my experience, and not something to which I have given any thought. Were I to hear of such a couple,and learn their story, I might have more to say. Hector, I’ve never met a couple who permitted emotional affairs but not physical ones — it’s beyond the realm of my experience, and not something to which I have given any thought. Were I to hear of such a couple,and learn their story, I might have more to say.

]]> By: james http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10951 james Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:50:41 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10951 I guess then, that i was just unclear on the demarcation between emotional infidelity and strong emotional intimacy and bonding between friends of the other sex outside of the marriage. Is it just the secrecy, and perhaps that your partner has no say in the outside relationship? It felt like you were saying bonding = infidelity. If secrecy is the defining characteristic then I understand better. I guess then, that i was just unclear on the demarcation between emotional infidelity and strong emotional intimacy and bonding between friends of the other sex outside of the marriage. Is it just the secrecy, and perhaps that your partner has no say in the outside relationship?

It felt like you were saying bonding = infidelity. If secrecy is the defining characteristic then I understand better.

]]> By: Hector http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10950 Hector Sun, 01 Mar 2009 00:09:19 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10950 Hugo, Just out of curiosity, what about a couple who are open about having emotional affairs with other people? Say a couple who don't love or even much like each other, but stay together for whatever reason (religious objections to divorce, children, finances). Each of them has permission from the other to have emotional affairs, but they don't _sleep with_ other people. I don't think I would consider this on the same emotional plane as a couple of 'swingers' (I am totally against 'swinging' by the way). Hugo,

Just out of curiosity, what about a couple who are open about having emotional affairs with other people? Say a couple who don’t love or even much like each other, but stay together for whatever reason (religious objections to divorce, children, finances). Each of them has permission from the other to have emotional affairs, but they don’t _sleep with_ other people.

I don’t think I would consider this on the same emotional plane as a couple of ‘swingers’ (I am totally against ‘swinging’ by the way).

]]> By: Lynn Gazis-Sax http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10949 Lynn Gazis-Sax Sat, 28 Feb 2009 23:50:34 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10949 I think a big part of the difference between an "emotional affair" and emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex is that the "emotional affair" would likely include things you're hiding from your spouse. My husband has always had close female friends other than me, and I'm glad he does, but neither of us is hiding anything from the other about what friends we have. Nothing wrong with having more than one person you can confide in. I think a big part of the difference between an “emotional affair” and emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex is that the “emotional affair” would likely include things you’re hiding from your spouse.

My husband has always had close female friends other than me, and I’m glad he does, but neither of us is hiding anything from the other about what friends we have. Nothing wrong with having more than one person you can confide in.

]]> By: Beetndown http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10948 Beetndown Sat, 28 Feb 2009 23:29:33 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10948 The friend you label earlier could have well been me. My husband decided that it was more important to hide his new girl "friend" from his AA meetings than to tell me about the hidden calls, the rides that he gave her, etc. More important than dealing with my dislike of the situation. He is now 44 and his new "friend" at work is 21. Do I think the same situation will repeat, yes, as he has already "hidden" a ski outing that they had. And prior an email to a previous co-worker, female of course. We have been separated for the past 4 months and he states, nothing has ever happened with any of these women. Does it matter that he yelled that his AA partner understood him more than I did? He denies having an emotional affair with her, but he fits all of the criteria, the deception, the hiding and the lies (he said she was fat and ugly and not his type). That supposedly made it all ok. The friend you label earlier could have well been me. My husband decided that it was more important to hide his new girl “friend” from his AA meetings than to tell me about the hidden calls, the rides that he gave her, etc. More important than dealing with my dislike of the situation. He is now 44 and his new “friend” at work is 21. Do I think the same situation will repeat, yes, as he has already “hidden” a ski outing that they had. And prior an email to a previous co-worker, female of course. We have been separated for the past 4 months and he states, nothing has ever happened with any of these women. Does it matter that he yelled that his AA partner understood him more than I did? He denies having an emotional affair with her, but he fits all of the criteria, the deception, the hiding and the lies (he said she was fat and ugly and not his type). That supposedly made it all ok.

]]> By: Hugo Schwyzer http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10947 Hugo Schwyzer Sat, 28 Feb 2009 23:01:08 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/24/sin-boldly-against-the-trap-of-the-emotional-affair/#comment-10947 James, the point of the post is simply that emotional infidelity is equivalent -- and just as serious -- as physical infidelity. Your remarks about the way in which men are socialized to disconnect are well-taken, but they don't vitiate the central point of this post. James, the point of the post is simply that emotional infidelity is equivalent — and just as serious — as physical infidelity. Your remarks about the way in which men are socialized to disconnect are well-taken, but they don’t vitiate the central point of this post.

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