Comments on: Dad on duty: of domesticity, acculturated incompetence, and that steep learning curve of the first-time father http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/ Author, Speaker, Professor, Shattering Gender Myths Thu, 09 Feb 2012 04:08:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: mythago http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10998 mythago Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:47:52 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10998 Very true, Anthony. And they're repetitive. Once you mow the lawn, you're done for a week, but diapers need changing all. the. time. There's no glamor in cleaning spit-up off the floor or washing the high chair tray. Very true, Anthony. And they’re repetitive. Once you mow the lawn, you’re done for a week, but diapers need changing all. the. time. There’s no glamor in cleaning spit-up off the floor or washing the high chair tray.

]]> By: Anthony http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10997 Anthony Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:29:26 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10997 I have a 22-month-old. I've discovered that most child maintenance tasks are fairly simple, if, at times unpleasant. Changing a diaper is *easy*, but it can be very unpleasant (my daughter loves beans, but they don't love her). Most of the other tasks aren't hard, but there are a lot of them, and starting from zero (as I did) can be pretty intimidating. The biggest problem, in some ways, is that they are too easy - there's no intellectual challenge to them, there's really not much to improve that someone hasn't already figured out, they're just there. I have a 22-month-old. I’ve discovered that most child maintenance tasks are fairly simple, if, at times unpleasant. Changing a diaper is *easy*, but it can be very unpleasant (my daughter loves beans, but they don’t love her). Most of the other tasks aren’t hard, but there are a lot of them, and starting from zero (as I did) can be pretty intimidating. The biggest problem, in some ways, is that they are too easy – there’s no intellectual challenge to them, there’s really not much to improve that someone hasn’t already figured out, they’re just there.

]]> By: djw http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10996 djw Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:03:09 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10996 I think the notion that changing diapers is some sort of daunting technical skill is fostered in support of the kind of learned incompetence. I've seen men who'd dive into far more complicatedand difficult tasks in many areas of life, with far less actual knowledge/experience about how to do it, treat diaper changing as it if were some technical task they couldn't possibly master. Common sense gets you 90%+ of the way there. I think the notion that changing diapers is some sort of daunting technical skill is fostered in support of the kind of learned incompetence. I’ve seen men who’d dive into far more complicatedand difficult tasks in many areas of life, with far less actual knowledge/experience about how to do it, treat diaper changing as it if were some technical task they couldn’t possibly master.

Common sense gets you 90%+ of the way there.

]]> By: Hector http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10995 Hector Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:49:32 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10995 I _love_ kids, and take the opportunity to hold/play with/help take care of those of my friends and relatives whenever I can. That said, as Hugo points out, playing with and helping out with other people's kids is a far cry from taking care of your own (including changing diapers)....nothing really prepares you for that. I would hope, though, that I would be the type of husband/father to take an equal share of the diaper changing, feeding, cleaning and dishwashing. (Hopefully we can work out a system- I actually kind of like doing dishes, so maybe I could do all the dishes in exchange for not changing diapers? Or not- who knows.) It's easy to fall away from what we know we _should_ do, though- I'll have to make an effort to make sure I don't. I _love_ kids, and take the opportunity to hold/play with/help take care of those of my friends and relatives whenever I can. That said, as Hugo points out, playing with and helping out with other people’s kids is a far cry from taking care of your own (including changing diapers)….nothing really prepares you for that. I would hope, though, that I would be the type of husband/father to take an equal share of the diaper changing, feeding, cleaning and dishwashing. (Hopefully we can work out a system- I actually kind of like doing dishes, so maybe I could do all the dishes in exchange for not changing diapers? Or not- who knows.) It’s easy to fall away from what we know we _should_ do, though- I’ll have to make an effort to make sure I don’t.

]]> By: captcrisis http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10994 captcrisis Fri, 27 Feb 2009 15:23:24 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10994 What STF said! I have a brother 15 years younger than me. Remember: it's only poop. It isn't plutonium. What STF said! I have a brother 15 years younger than me. Remember: it’s only poop. It isn’t plutonium.

]]> By: Sweating Through Fog http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10993 Sweating Through Fog Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:43:19 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10993 "False beliefs about male domestic incompetence can combine with exhaustion and anxiety to push some men right out of their appropriate role as equal care-givers." Very true. As I wrote <a href="http://sweatingthroughfog.blogspot.com/2007/11/men-and-our-babies.html" rel="nofollow">here</a>, I was fortunate to to have had the opportunity to learn how to take care of infants as a teenager. My ability to handle a screaming newborn was something I took great pride in. Breaking this gender stereotype - that women somehow have a more "natural" ability to care for their infants is one of those win-win efforts that will help everyone. “False beliefs about male domestic incompetence can combine with exhaustion and anxiety to push some men right out of their appropriate role as equal care-givers.”

Very true. As I wrote here, I was fortunate to to have had the opportunity to learn how to take care of infants as a teenager. My ability to handle a screaming newborn was something I took great pride in.

Breaking this gender stereotype – that women somehow have a more “natural” ability to care for their infants is one of those win-win efforts that will help everyone.

]]> By: farnorth http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10992 farnorth Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:07:27 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10992 Great post, Hugo. My husband and I are in the opposite situation, since I've briefly held, oh, about two babies in my lifetime, while my husband has a lot of experience with younger siblings and newborn cousins. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out when we have our own children, especially since some things, such as cleaning, are already being played out according to old-fashioned gender expectations. Great post, Hugo.

My husband and I are in the opposite situation, since I’ve briefly held, oh, about two babies in my lifetime, while my husband has a lot of experience with younger siblings and newborn cousins. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out when we have our own children, especially since some things, such as cleaning, are already being played out according to old-fashioned gender expectations.

]]> By: greginak http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10991 greginak Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:02:28 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10991 of course there is the option of being an involved dad and still thinking people spend far to much time cleaning their damn houses. in fact if a person, like say me, spent less time on fixing/building/ cleaning house that is time that can be spent with the child and living a full life. Up with children and life, down with housework. of course there is the option of being an involved dad and still thinking people spend far to much time cleaning their damn houses. in fact if a person, like say me, spent less time on fixing/building/ cleaning house that is time that can be spent with the child and living a full life.

Up with children and life, down with housework.

]]> By: metamanda http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10990 metamanda Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:32:57 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10990 The only time I've ever changed a diaper, I was baby-sitting a 1.5 year old. Did you know that 1.5 years is old enough to actually laugh at your babysitter for not doing it as well as your parents? Learned helplessness deeply annoys me, whether it's men in the kitchen or women in front of the computer, to pick a couple stereotypes that are often internalized. I hate to fail too, but it's hard for me to imagine <i>not</i> wanting to learn a useful skill. Russell, in the belief that actions speak louder than words, I'd rather live with a Mormon who actually does the housework, than a self-professed feminist who doesn't. (Not that those are mutually exclusive things.) The only time I’ve ever changed a diaper, I was baby-sitting a 1.5 year old. Did you know that 1.5 years is old enough to actually laugh at your babysitter for not doing it as well as your parents?

Learned helplessness deeply annoys me, whether it’s men in the kitchen or women in front of the computer, to pick a couple stereotypes that are often internalized. I hate to fail too, but it’s hard for me to imagine not wanting to learn a useful skill.

Russell, in the belief that actions speak louder than words, I’d rather live with a Mormon who actually does the housework, than a self-professed feminist who doesn’t. (Not that those are mutually exclusive things.)

]]> By: kristen c http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10989 kristen c Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:02:32 +0000 http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/02/26/dad-on-duty-of-domesticity-acculturated-incompetence-and-that-steep-learning-curve-of-the-first-time-father/#comment-10989 I find it interesting and, at times maddening, that my husband--who is a wonderfully capable and patient father to our two preschoolers--can sit upstairs at his computer and completely ignore their needs for attention or food or to get out of the bathtub or whatever. It's like he is so conditioned to let me take care of it, their cries can go on way too long before he finally takes action. I'm sure a lot of this is my fault, for swooping in far too often, but it must also be for the acculturation reasons you outlined above. Bless you for already recognizing this in yourself, as a new father! I am thankful that as our children move out of uber--needy baby-hood, my husband takes more interest and delight in their care and interaction. I find it interesting and, at times maddening, that my husband–who is a wonderfully capable and patient father to our two preschoolers–can sit upstairs at his computer and completely ignore their needs for attention or food or to get out of the bathtub or whatever. It’s like he is so conditioned to let me take care of it, their cries can go on way too long before he finally takes action. I’m sure a lot of this is my fault, for swooping in far too often, but it must also be for the acculturation reasons you outlined above. Bless you for already recognizing this in yourself, as a new father! I am thankful that as our children move out of uber–needy baby-hood, my husband takes more interest and delight in their care and interaction.

]]>