I was talking to a friend of mine the other day; she and her boyfriend of several months are “taking a break” from their relationship. He’s in his early thirties, she’s in her late twenties; in different ways, each carries the “baggage” of family, faith, and previous lovers.
The fella — I’ll call him “Gordy” — is a bit overwhelmed by the gal, “Calliope.” Gordy, apparently, does something that I very much remember doing in relationships when I was younger: retreat in the face of intense emotion, particularly in the face of a woman’s anger. Many young — and not-so-young — men feel overwhelmed by what seem to be the superior verbal and emotional skills of female romantic partners. When a man has grown up learning not to display feelings, or to talk about them, he may end up feeling a bit as if he’s a first-year French student suddenly plunged into a conversation with fluent native speakers. He hasn’t got — or he feels he hasn’t got — the vocabulary with which to keep up. This isn’t because of testosterone, of course, or some inherent aspect of the human brain; it’s the hangover from growing up with the “guy code”. And the guy code, followed rigidly, leads to a kind of learned emotional helplessness.
I’ve been over this ground before in the three posts in the male transformation series. The three posts from the autumn of 2007 explain aspects of the problem — and the solution — in considerably more detail. But what I want to focus on today is Gordy’s need to “take a break” from the relationship, and the reasons that seem to undergird it. It’s entirely possible, of course, that “wanting a break” is code for “I really am tired of this relationship, and want to get out for good, but lack the courage to say so directly.” But from what I can tell, there’s something else at work. Gordy doesn’t want out; he has fallen in love with Calliope and wants to be with her. He also finds her — the complete package of Calliope-ness — to be more than a little overwhelming. He’s not calling an end so much as he seems to be calling for a time-out.
Let me say again (though my MRA critics don’t hear this) that I don’t think women are always blameless when heterosexual relationships go south. Women have their own lessons to learn — and in the case of sexist acculturation, it might be more apt to say that they have their own lessons to unlearn. But I write much more often about what men can and ought to do because, well, I’m a man. I’ve lived 42 years in a male body, and while I don’t pretend to be a professional relationship expert, I’ve lived a bit — and thought a lot — about the ways in which culturally constructed masculinity undermines our collective happiness and our ability to function intimately with other human beings. And so I focus more on what men can do, respecting the reality that women have had plenty of experience being told how to behave by the males in their lives.
Heterosexual men in love often find the intensity of a woman’s emotions to be overwhelming, even terrifying. Many guys have no idea how to fight, in the healthy sense of the verb. They may know what not to do; they don’t turn to rage-infused violence. (Some men do, of course, but I’m not addressing them. Law enforcement can deal with those boys.) But feeling tongue-tied or bewildered, some men will try the “submarine dive.” Viewing their mate’s storminess as a temporary problem to be avoided, they will, like a sub, dive inward, remaining as impassive as possible, waiting patiently (or, more accurately, anxiously but with an outer veneer of tranquility) for the tempest to cease. This is passive-aggressive conflict avoidance; I did a lot of “submarining” in my younger years.
Other men will pull out the infamous pre-emptive apology strategy: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Please stop being mad.” Still others, of course, will retreat to self-deprecation, figuring that if they say truly awful things about themselves, they’ll force their lovers to cease the search for legitimate discussion and turn to the more traditionally feminine role of soothing male anxiety. “I’m such a piece of shit, I don’t know why you stay with me.” (Batterers use that line a lot in the remorse stage, following an episode of abuse.) It often works, particularly on a younger woman who fancies herself capable of showing a man a side of himself he has never seen. And so a lot of women, torn between exasperation and compassion, give in at this point and say, “Oh Theodore, you’re not a bad person. I really do love and admire you.” She breaks off the attempt to push through to him and to create change; the status quo is preserved.
Robert Bly often talks about the difference between “copper” and “iron”. Copper conducts; iron doesn’t. A person (man or woman) who is “copper” can’t set boundaries well; what other people feel or say has the capacity to flow directly to the copper person’s core. (Someone less poetic and metallurgically inclined might just say, “co-dependent”.) Iron, on the other hand, can keep things out. An iron person isn’t necessarily cold and inflexible, but an iron person can allow even those with whom they are most intimately connected to be angry or upset without “taking it personally.” Iron people set good boundaries. They don’t seek to “fix what they cannot fix”, and they don’t run away in fear either. They are receptive in the way someone standing in a doorway is receptive — with the capacity both to invite someone in and, if needed, to close the door, firmly and politely.
When men are raised with little sense of how to “fight fair”, particularly with romantic partners, they may — like Gordy, apparently — they often lack the discernment to determine a legitimate criticism that ought to be taken to heart from an unfair attack. So many make the classic mistake that women know men better than the men know themselves; for different reasons, men and women alike are attached to that sexist conceit. This assumption that men are a mystery to themselves can function, for some men, to legitimize anything a woman says in anger. And sometimes in anger, we — men and women alike — say unfair things to our romantic partners. We speak from a place of pain and frustration and rage, and we say what we know will wound. Women do this, men do this. The difference is that in many cases (certainly not all) men, thanks to their “learned obtuseness”, are particularly unlikely to be able to differentiate between the legitimate criticism uttered in a healthy fight and the unjust accusation blurted out in a moment of wrath.
As I said to Calliope: “Men run when they don’t have the vocabulary to set the boundaries they need to stay.” Gordy needs a break because he finds Calliope overwhelming — but what’s so overwhelming has less to do with who she is and more to do with his inability, so common to so many men in our culture, to be iron (in the best way) rather than copper. Calliope isn’t perfect; she’s gonna say some things that are hurtful and unfair. She’s also gonna say some things that are hurtful but fair — and Gordy, like most men, needs to do the hard work of learning how to discern between the two. And on top of that, do the hard work of learning how to take to heart the legitimate criticisms he needs to hear and to repudiate verbally and clearly those criticisms that are unwarranted. Until he can do that, he will “submarine” or he will run.
In the early stages of my relationship with my (male) partner, we used a method that really helped: we each wrote down what was bothering us, and why, and then we exchanged papers and read it. I think the combination of it being indirect (so that my partner could feel emotionally that it wasn’t about me being angry, but about issues needing to be dealt with) and having an understanding that we were going to get to each person’s issue (because one of my partner’s fears was that we’d talk about my issues but not zirs) that really helped to defuse the fear. We also have had very strict rules from the very beginning that we NEVER call names or judge each other by our actions (in other words, it’s okay to say “I’m upset that you lied to me” but it is NEVER okay to say “You’re a liar”), and we also have the rule that neither of us can raise our voices (because that was triggering to my partner) or leave the room without asking politely for a time out from the argument (because that was triggering to me).
Nowadays my partner has become very good at expressing zir own feelings even when I am very upset (instead of turning cold and hard out of a lack of coping skills like ze used to), so we don’t need that method anymore… but I think it taught zir to trust that zir feelings were important and that making a mistake is a good thing (because it leads to growth) rather than a bad thing.
I think men are taught that they cannot EVER mess up or it makes them a worthless failure — I think this is part of the myth that men are strong and women are weak. Weak people need to change — strong people don’t; weak people make mistakes — strong people don’t (stereotypically speaking). I think one of the biggest fears my partner had was that if ze made a mistake and admitted it, I would ‘realize’ that ze was a failure and leave zir. Of course believing that one mistake will doom you would be a paralyzing fear and make you check out emotionally! And those beliefs don’t get unlearned in a day, but they can be completely overcome with time. My partner is more skilled at relational conflict than most females I know — it’s all about learning and unlearning.
oh, and the ‘writing it down’ method also helps because you can really think about what you say so you are less likely to exaggerate for emphasis or add insults to ‘make’ the other person listen. You can be kinder when you don’t feel like you’re fighting to be heard.
Also, while saying things that cause hurt is inevitable in conflict, unfairness is not. I think that it is each person’s responsibility to learn how to examine their own emotions and communicate them honestly without resorting to judgment or attacks. If Calliope says things that are unfair, that is as much of a problem as Gordy’s inclination to run and/or hide. It is impossible to be fair if you’re just reacting without thinking; but if you put the effort in to see the situation objectively, you can be fair to both your partner and yourself in the way you express it. You don’t need to express your anger by saying, “You jerk!” you can instead say, “I am very angry with you.”
I’m a woman and I tend to be very coppery (as you put it) towards my partner, who is more iron-y (ironic?).
One time, I had him describe to me his problems with his girlfriend in the third person, as though I were some other close friend, and I sat and listened as that friend. It was far, far easier than hearing the same information directed at me as myself, and he was able to give a lot more detail as a result.
I think there are three basic techniques for listening to a partner’s complaints – listening; giving up (which includes crying or the self-disparagement you describe); or drifting out (submarining, as you called it) and waiting for it to pass. I think men are probably more likely to submarine and women are probably more likely to give up (cry such that you have to comfort them and can’t continue), but I’m not sure the sex difference is all that extreme. This shit is hard for everyone.
What belenen said.
But setting aside the issue of unfair things – I have found that in relationships, some men do not listen to women until they are angry. “Honey, would you please stop doing X” gets a smile and nod and uh-uh but it’s not until “You fucking asshole, stop doing X” that he pays attention. Needless to say this is not a healthy behavior on either end.
Well, can’t he do that without the time out?
(Guess not)
Inter-add that the metal metaphor is a good one. I seem to be a half-ferrous mix–perhaps. I’m working on better insulation and capacitance–have had some success. It’s hard enough dealing with famly sometimes, I am glad I am celibate.
Iron, also, melts at a higher temeprature, giving out a lot more light as it does. But on resolidification, it can wind up porous.
For the sake of accuracy, though, iron [steel] does conduct. I know from personal experience! I once inadvertently closed the circuit between the table of an improperly grounded sander and that of the neighboring drill-press. Right up 1 arm and down the other–Don’t know just how much but if it’d been the full 220 I might not be here today. And no, I didn’t do the wiring.
Iron doesn’t conduct quite as efficiently as copper, though,if I recall right, so that’s why the latter is used for wires.
I’m thru butting in, thanks, carry on.
This.
I married a sometimes terrifying but beautiful and brilliant woman. I love her madly and am totally convinced that she wants nothing but the best for us and I truly feel the same way.
But I do feel emotionally overwhelmed sometimes — particularly by her anger. I don’t like the way it feels and I will often go to some lengths to avoid that particular feeling. There are lots of ways, but running and submarine-ing are on the list.
I think what keeps her from just getting completely fed up is she knows that I am trying to get better at sorting the angry wheat from the angry chaff.
It seems to me, even as I confess my sins, that I should not be unavailable to her when she is angry. There is another whole other thread to be had about sex with your spouse when situations and emotions are less than hmmm… romantic…..
Such limited availability does smack of conditional positive regard and that cannot conducive to intimacy. I think that it needs to be safe for her to be angry with me and I also need to be able to express my anger to her, safely.
The latter part is a little tricksey though. Intense emotions and clear thinking rarely co-exist for me. I am not talking about blind rage — rather it is kind of an emotional flooding that can necessitate moving off for a bit to regain balance and composure and to reflect and figure out what that feeling means.
I am working towards being able to, in a timely way say things like “I am starting to get angry with you and can’t talk about this right now.” But still fail more often than not I find myself falling silently back on tried and true techniques to get the distance I need at that point.
This.
I married a terrifyingly passionate but beautiful and brilliant woman. I love her madly and am totally convinced that she wants nothing but the best for us and I truly feel the same way.
But I do feel emotionally overwhelmed sometimes — particularly by her anger. I don’t like the way it feels and I will often go to some lengths to avoid that particular feeling. There are lots of ways, but running and submarine-ing are on the list.
I think what keeps her from just getting completely fed up is she knows that I am trying to get better at sorting the angry wheat from the angry chaff.
It seems to me, even as I confess my sins, that I should not be unavailable to her when she is angry. There is another whole other thread to be had about sex with your spouse when situations and emotions are less than hmmm… romantic…..
Such limited availability does smack of conditional positive regard and that cannot conducive to intimacy. I think that it needs to be safe for her to be angry with me and I also need to be able to express my anger to her, safely.
The latter part is a little tricksey though. Intense emotions and clear thinking rarely co-exist for me. I am not talking about blind rage — rather it is kind of an emotional flooding that can necessitate moving off for a bit to regain balance and composure and to reflect and figure out what that feeling means.
I am working towards being able to, in a timely way say things like “I am starting to get angry with you and can’t talk about this right now.” But still fail more often than not I find myself falling silently back on tried and true techniques to get the distance I need at that point.
Thank you for this post. I just got out of a relationship with a guy whose is very smart, very socially astute, very articulate, usually very good at discussing and analyzing emotional issues even when they involve himself, and yet submarined like a champion when anything was aimed at him. I’d recognized it as non-ideal, but your post helped me see how tied in to other problems and, bonus, makes me feel less responsible. Do you have any specific tips for turning copper into iron?
These are all really good points!
As a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I would like to add that couples need to know that conflicts are bound to happen. But here’s the good news: there are skills they can learn so that they can handle them better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.” To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.
When my husband and I were dating I clearly remember we had a “talking is different.” Conversation. I was pushing him about why he didn’t want to do something, and he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and said “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.” And I said you’re right, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but talking is different, you have to talk about it. And he was skeptical and I said – look, if you don’t talk about it, then I am left to just make up reasons why you’re doing/don’t want to do X. Would you rather me go around having made up your reasons, or would you rather talk to me so that I know your ACTUAL reasons? This made sense to him. But it doesn’t address techniques to deal with strong emotions because this was a topic that we were both pretty calm about. But I think guys sometimes have to be won over to the idea of talking about things. It gets presented societally as a “woman thing” always wanting to talk about stuff.
I really like a lot of your points, and a lot of benelen’s points, too. This has been probably the biggest hurdle in being with my partner – I love introspection to a somewhat absurd point, and he’s a submariner. He’s not introspective about a number of emotional things, and figuring out how to work around it all has been a huge challenge. I’ve gotten a lot less coppery in the process, too. Iron-plated copper?
Probably one of the biggest challenges was realizing that talking through things in detail isn’t the only way – it’s my way of dealing with things. It’s great if I can know what he’s thinking, but getting a running analysis of his emotional state isn’t my right. I may feel hurt at being shut out, but him withdrawing (in this discrete way) is a coping mechanism, and to a certain extent, I need to suck up and deal.
Having a way to deal with problems in the relationship *is* my right, though, as well as his, so working on more ‘action’ based things has been helpful. Something benelen mentioned that is KEY for us is that we hold back on name-calling and attacking when we’re fighting. It makes transitioning from ‘the fight’ to brainstorming solutions loads easier. That, and if we say we’re going to do something, we fucking *mean* we’re going to do it. None of the ‘sure thing, dear’ that means ‘I’m never going to do that.’ That was a huge deal for me, and it’s made a world of difference.