Thursday Short Poem: Cohen’s “To Whom it May Concern”

My mother sent me this one. I have often, like so many good progressives, sung the praises of Scandinavia and thought similar thoughts. I have a northern soul. Andrea Cohen makes a familiar promise here.

To Whom It May Concern
(For Harry Cobb)

Soon I’ll move to Norway.
If that’s a bitter pill,

well, swill, swallow, I’m going,
and I won’t wallow, not in Norway,

where they’re so beyond
slave labor, with laws that say

a clerk must work within five
meters of a window through

which she can see a tree
and by that tree be seen.

My mind’s made up.
I will be Norwegian with Norwegian

trees, I’ll be seer and be seen.
It’s a scenic scene, it’s

How it goes. I’m going.
Tell the top brass, if

they ask. I don’t give
a damn about their asses.

But I will miss the beeches and the ashes.
It’s not their fault I’m leaving,

They’re only trees, and
leaving, I’m Norwegian.

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A note on Mary

There are many reasons posting is infrequent at the moment: I’m working on book proposals, and preparing for a trip to Russia in two weeks time; I’ll be lecturing in Moscow on Orthodox Christianity and Kabbalah. It’s been years since I’ve done any reading on the eastern churches, and as a result, am trying to give myself a solid refresher course as rapidly as possible. And of course, being home much more often (I’m on break from the college until February 22) gives me much more time with Heloise, which is a very special blessing. Our daughter will be one in 13 days.

I did want to add a note to Monday’s post about Jesus and the way in which He embodied both male and female characteristics. I ought to have included a quick note on Mary:

One of the things that bothered me most in my days as a Roman Catholic was the way in which Christ’s tenderness was transferred by the most committed Marians (devotees of Mary) to his mother. Far be it from me as a feminist to denigrate the veneration of a woman most churches call not merely the mother of Jesus but the mother of God! I worry, however, that Marian devotion is a response to the cognitive dissonance that arises when someone uncomfortable with the idea of man-as-nurturer confronts the reality of Jesus’ life. There is nothing wrong with seeing Jesus as a strong and forceful defender of justice; there is something wrong with transferring the very real qualities of gentleness onto his mom. To the extent that devotion to Mary allows her devotees to hide from the plain truth that Jesus, living incarnate as a human male, embodied the entire spectrum of virtues (including those traditionally seen as feminine), then I think that devotion is problematic. It allows folks to dodge one of the most radical aspects of His life and ministry, which was His deliberate blurring of the dominant lines around gender roles and ethnic identity.

More than two decades ago, following my conversion to Rome, I seriously considered a vocation (with the Dominicans). I certainly went through a period of Marian devotion, and I prayed the rosary with a convert’s intensity and enthusiasm. I still have a great deal of respect for the Church — but I am convinced that the veneration of Mary as intercessor allows too many to avoid seeing her son’s capacity for tender mercy.

Reprint: “Me time”, introversion, and incompatible desire

This post first appeared in October 2007.

Donald, a 28 year-old Christian, writes:

The question I have to pose is: Is it reasonable to expect that my girlfriend (23) should let me have more time by myself?

I work full time until 5:30pm Mon – Fri, we are both involved with the music team at our church which means Tuesday night rehearsals and going early for most of the am and pm services on Sundays, and I haveThursday nights to do domestic things like wash clothes or do shopping or whatever else needs doing. She works two or three days a week at the moment but wants more work. Apart from that, I’m with her every night after work and most of the day on Saturdays and Sundays.

We have dinner at her house and then watch shows or listen to music or talk and of course make out for a while a few nights. I’ve insisted that I need to leave her house at 10pm at the latest so that I can get to bed, but she always seems so down and forlorn when it’s time for me to go home and it can take forever for me to get out of the door. I go home wondering what I’ve done wrong, get home, fall into bed and get up at 5am to exercise and have breakfast and get ready for work. Lately I’ve been feeling likeI’m in a daze because I don’t ever seem to have any time for myself.

Being an introverted person I need time alone to recharge, and also after having so many years of my time being *my* time, this is a drastic change for me. Is this normal in relationships? I don’t have any experience to gauge it against, so maybe it is. But I need to work out how to arrange more time to ‘retreat to my cave’ or else I think I’m going to fall over from exhaustion physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I chuckled a bit reading this. The clear implication from Donald’s letter is that he and his gal are not sleeping together in either sense of the word; presumably they are waiting until marriage. In an odd way, the commitment the two of them seem to have to chastity exacerbates the problem; if Donald was sleeping over at his girlfriend’s place regularly, that would eliminate the problem of her forlornness every evening when he left. (She might be clingy in the mornings too, but his need to go to work might carry more weight.) But of course, I’m not going to recommend that they begin spending the night together as a a solution to their dilemma.

Donald seems like a nice guy (lower-case, as opposed to the “Nice Guys” whom we regularly excoriate.) And it’s hard for someone who has people-pleasing instincts and little serious relationship experience to avoid feeling guilty when he happens to be the one who wants to spend less time together. It is almost axiomatic that whatever the activity (spending time together, sex, etcetera), whichever person in the relationship has the lower desire also has the greater power. And it’s not a lot of fun to choose, as Donald feels he has to choose, between disappointing someone he cares for and depriving himself of much needed “down time.”

Those of us who come out of Christian backgrounds often have a particularly hard time setting boundaries in relationships. Those who are “cradle Christians” or adolescent converts are often deeply attached to the idea that “true love” is always sacrificial. Donald might know his Scripture well — he’s called to love his wife (or the woman who might someday be his wife) as Christ loved His church, giving himself up for her. I know a lot of young Christians who take that language very seriously indeed. And when your notions of “true love” mix in the desire for romantic fusion with the theological language of endless sacrifice, it’s fairly obvious you’re gonna have a hard time setting limits.

I know lots of young Christians who are “waiting” to have sex. Like Donald, they do date, and often find themselves in intensely emotional relationships. It is possible to be deeply in love and deeply committed without having sex, or at least, without having intercourse. (Lots of young Christians draw the line at “everything but”, something I’ve endorsed. See: Between the Already and the Not-Yet: a Long Post on Pre-marital Sexuality and Doing “Everything But.”) Sometimes, I think that those who are practicing pre-marital chastity often have more unrealistic expectations of what love should be than do their less-restrained counterparts.

It takes a lot of idealism to “wait” — and that idealism often transfers over into some wildly unhealthy ideas about how conflict ought to be negotiated. Those who do have a sexual component to their relationship quickly discover that in any lasting romance, desire fluctuates and is rarely equally present. They learn to compromise (or so one hopes). The “higher-desire” partner learns patience, and learns not to nag or pressure or sulk; the “lower-desire” partner gets to work through his or her own guilt. It’s good, healthy stuff: Love 101. Chaste Christians put off the conflict over unequal libidos, but often run into the very sort of problem that Donald is writing about — apparently incompatible levels of desire for time together. Continue reading

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Neither male nor female: Jesus as man, Jesus as role model

A reader named David writes:

I find myself deeply entrenched in one debate about God and how God created us in God’s image “male and female” and what, if anything, that reveals about God. Some men I have run into believe that manhood is a trait designed by a masculine God and that certain characteristics (ordained by God, in a sense) of manliness are exclusively specific to masculinity. I guess that so their argument goes there is no spectrum of gender, only masculine & feminine and if you fall in between or share some qualities of each than that’s on you and not something Godly. This line of thinking always ends up with chivalrous expectations of manhood and that bad men are either not chivalrous or less than manly (or both and women are to be passive & rescued).

I’ve always contended that God is neither male or female or, in fact, God is both. Though we gender God as “father” and “He” and Jesus is referred to as “he” and “son of man”, the Holy Spirit is often referred to as having feminine qualities in the Old Testament. Thus, since God is “3 persons in one” and those 3 persons make up God then how can we be created wholly in God’s image? Are we to be three persons in one or simply have full range person-hood like God?

Not for the first or last time, let me first recommend the many resources on this topic available through the website of Christians for Biblical Equality.

I’m not a theologian. I’ve read theology, talked about theology, studied theology (medieval Franciscan scholasticism was a doctoral field of mine at UCLA), but I’m not a theologian. Others have wrestled with these questions for centuries, and feminist theologians in particular (one notes at this point the passing eight days ago of the important, if controversial, Mary Daly) have offered critical analyses of our reflexive habit of referring to God as male.

Jesus, however, certainly was physiologically male. In his human aspect, he was a man (the early church fathers struggled against those who could not bring themselves to acknowledge that Jesus pooped and peed). And from my standpoint, the maleness of Jesus Christ matters because in his life and ministry and relationships, Jesus himself embodies a full and complete manhood. Traditionalists, desperately seeking biblical support for archaic gender roles that have nothing to do with faith, like to emphasize Jesus as warrior. Jesus chasing the moneychangers out of the temple always gets mentioned by those who promote the “Muscular Christianity” agenda, even though it is only in the last gospel, John, that the story gets embellished to include the use of a whip. (The synoptic gospels don’t mention the weapon at all.)

Jesus got angry, clearly. Jesus also wept publicly, but we rarely hear my traditionalist friends using His example to repudiate the “big boys don’t cry” ethos. Jesus allows Himself to be anointed by a woman, infuriating his disciples who are upset about the cost of the perfumed oil — but perhaps also upset by what seems, to them, like an almost feminine vanity on His part. The examples of Jesus engaging in tender and nurturing behavior far outnumber those in which he behaves as the muscular He-Man of conservative traditionalist teaching.

For me, as a man, it matter that Jesus was a man. When Christ came into the world, the world already knew of women’s capacity to nurture and care for the vulnerable. The rigid gender roles of a broken world meant that empathy, intuition, and compassion were rarely, if ever, associated with men. If Christ had been a woman, come as a servant to heal the world; to insist on the primacy of Love over all else; to die for others — She would have fulfilled an expectation that we have about women’s supposedly innate willingness to serve and sacrifice. The religious authorities expected a proper, muscular king; what sort of messiah behaves as Jesus behaved? What sort of messiah dies on a tree without lifting a finger to fight back? What sort of messiah allows women who aren’t his wives to touch him? (Women were, of course, allowed to touch other women.) The answer is, of course, an unexpected messiah, one who comes in the body of a man to teach all of us of each male’s potential for full, radical humanness.

Many women in the church struggle with Christ’s maleness. Those who have been betrayed and abused and exploited by men find it difficult to believe that a man, be-penised and be-Y-chromosomed as Jesus was, could prove worthy of trust, prove capable of both selflessness and non-sexual intimacy. I understand that reluctance to embrace the male aspect of God, particularly when one has known little that is good from men. At the same time, I think that one of the countless ways in which the story of Jesus is redemptive is in His maleness — by coming in a man’s body, the God-made-flesh offers the world a radically revisionist model for what it means to be a man. In his commitment to non-violence, in his courage, in his capacity to resist formidable temptation, in his willingness to display his own emotion fearlessly but never destructively, he serves as a model for all of us — but in a very real sense, for men in particular.

When Paul writes in Galatians 3:28, “there is no male or female in Christ”, he’s referring to the notion that relationship with God through Jesus is available to all. But there’s another way of reading that passage that I find helpful. Jesus was physiologically a man, but He lived fearlessly unchained by traditional gender roles; he could be both masculine and feminine, and in that sense, he transcended gender categories themselves. For men who outsource their self-control and their own emotional maintenance to mothers and wives, girlfriends and daughters, Jesus’ life — upon which Christians are called to model their own — is a stern rebuke.

I live as a man, in a man’s body, but I refuse to be bound and limited by the straitjacket of culturally-constructed gender roles. In my own imperfect efforts to slip from that straitjacket, I have many wonderful role models, both living and dead. And as a Christian, I have Jesus too.

Parents, children, candor, and embarrassment: a note from a blogging father

Several times in the past year, friends both in cyberspace and in “real” life have asked me the same question: Do I ever pause to consider the impact that this blog will have on Heloise, and any other children with whom we may be blessed, when they are older? Though it’s been a quarter century and more since I was a teen, I’ve been working around them continually almost since I stopped being one. And though there are some surprising exceptions, the general rule continues to be true: most teens, particularly at the onset of puberty, go through a stage where they are acutely embarrassed by their parents. Call it the “please drop me off a block from school” phenomenon — it’s a rare fourteen year-old who wants his or her friends to know much detail about his or her parents’ lives.

I write and speak openly about my past and my present. Compared to the degree of disclosure now common among teens on social networking sites (both in terms of words and images), what I’ve shared here is pretty tame. Of course, I write as an adult — and though I have plenty of youthful indiscretions in my past, I cannot claim the excuse of youth when it comes to explaining my reasons for choosing to be so candid about certain aspects of my life on this blog.

I cannot protect my daughter entirely from future embarrassment. No doubt there will come a time when how I dress, or walk, or even breathe will be a source of intense annoyance to her; I know adolescents well enough to know that that those moments of deep disgust with her parents (perhaps particularly her father) will be brief albeit (probably) intense. And no doubt she’ll wince when and if (realistically, just when) she reads what I’ve written and continue to write about my life and my past.

I remember vividly a conversation I had with my father not long after I had lost my virginity. I was seventeen, and he was fifty. He was in Carmel visiting us for the weekend (when my parents divorced, my mother took my brother and me to the Monterey Peninsula while Dad stayed in Santa Barbara, where he remained until his death.) Papa and I took one of our long walks and talked about many things, mostly about my new girlfriend. Dad remarked, as we strolled on San Carlos Avenue, that I was younger than he had been when he lost his virginity; “I was nineteen and in the RAF”, he said. It was the first time he had ever mentioned his own sexual life to me, and I felt that familiar mix of revulsion and curiosity so common to adolescents when a parent begins to offer what my cousin Dinah calls an “over-share”. He told me a little about the “girl from the village”, how they had met and so forth, and I listened with eagerness and trepidation, not knowing how much I wanted to know, afraid of hearing more than I wanted but fascinated by my father’s sudden burst of almost uncharacteristic candor.

We walked on for a few more moments in silence, and then Dad asked “Were the lights on or off?” I said something like “Jesus, Dad, what a question!” I told him that the lights had been off but the television had been on (videos on MTV). My father seemed puzzled and asserted that he preferred the lights on. And that was the last we said of the subject; indeed, in the remaining 21 years of his life, we never had a similar conversation again. But what I’ve noticed, as I play through my memories of my father in my head, is that the embarrassment I felt discussing sex with my father has faded completely. What remains is the recollection of a precious glimpse into his youth, of what life in England in the early 1950s might have been like for this bookish, gentle, funny young man doing his national service before heading off to university. What remains after the awkwardness is the memory of intergenerational intimacy, tinged as it was with the mutual incomprehension that comes with an age gap and a different cultural vocabulary.

To put it simply, what made me cringe when I was seventeen is now a fond and precious recollection. And it is in that light that I think about my daughter’s future reaction to my own writing, so full as it is of stories about my past. There will be a time, I am sure of it, when Heloise will wish very much that her father had not been quite so forthright, so inclined to what my generation often calls “TMI” (too much information). But I also suspect, based upon my memories of my father, that when she is older still, what once seemed so embarrassing will become considerably less so. Though our culture does do its damndest to turn adolescence into a quarter-century process (at least for men, and not an insignificant number of women), psychic puberty does end. And as far as I’m concerned, psychic puberty ends when we cease to blame our parents for our own adult mistakes, when we absolve them of responsibility for the outcome of our lives, and when we no longer cringe when we contemplate them in all their lovely, flawed, perfect humanness.

What humiliates and infuriates at fifteen becomes the happy recollection at forty; the story I shared above is hardly the only such instance. And it is a good reminder to parents and children alike about the need to balance both candor and respect for boundaries, and to forgive generously when that balance becomes skewed, as it inevitably will.

Thursday Short Poem: Wetzsteon’s “Gold Leaves”

Rachel Wetzsteon (pronounced “wet stone”) was a celebrated New York poet who took her life this past Christmas day. I hadn’t known much of her poetry, but did admire her very interesting book on Auden’s dazzling variety of sources, which I confess I never finished and now really must. Wetzsteon is now part of the growing number of famous and talented folks born the year I was — 1967 — to meet a much-too-early end.

I like this offering because it reminds me of the magic of writing — and how, when after lots of exasperation and struggle the muse has come to guide my fingers on the keyboard — it seems as if the world itself has changed.

Gold Leaves

Someone ought to write about (I thought
and therefore do) stage three of alchemy:
not inauspicious metal turned into
a gilded page, but that same page turned back
to basics when you step outside for air
and feel a radiance that was not there
the day before, your sidewalks lined with gold.

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The hiatus continues

We’re very busy with family and other projects these days, and as it turns out, I find I have less time to blog while on vacation than I do when I’m teaching. More posts to come soon, but for January at least, those posts are likely to number only two or so per week.

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Reprint: “Pray to Have Him Hold You as a Lover”

This post first appeared in October, 2008.

After I wrote my post yesterday on bisexuality, Neil (the pastor whose parishioner had spawned the initial query) responded in a note to me. In the post, I made clear my view that bisexuality could be a stable, healthy, lifetime identity for adult men and women. I also made the case that it need be no impediment to a monogamous relationship with either an other-sex or same-sex partner; what mattered was the degree to which the bisexual person was willing to focus his or her sexual energy in one particular direction.

I’ve got a long reply here. Because of the subject matter, it’s all below the fold. And as the kids say these days, it “may weird you out”, so use your discretion. Continue reading

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Don’t fear the fruitcakes: a response to Barry Goldman

A happy New Year to all. Please join me in saying “twenty-ten” and not “two-thousand and ten”.

An annoying op-ed in yesterday’s Los Angeles Times: The Fact of the Matter. Or Not. Arbitrator Barry Goldman worries that we are “becoming a nation of fruitcakes”. The alarmingly under-informed Goldman frets:

A new poll by the Pew Research Center’s Forum on Religion & Public Life concludes: “Large numbers of Americans engage in multiple religious practices, mixing elements of diverse traditions. Many also blend Christianity with Eastern or New Age beliefs such as reincarnation, astrology and the presence of spiritual energy in physical objects. And sizable minorities of all major U.S. religious groups say they have experienced supernatural phenomena, such as being in touch with the dead or with ghosts.”

What is striking about the Pew study is not the prevalence of superstition and hocus-pocus, alarming as that is. It is the feeling that we are free to choose from a broad, cafeteria-style menu of superstitious hocus-pocus. Charles Blow in the New York Times called it the construction of “Mr. Potato Head-like spiritual identities.”

Christians, for example, do not believe in reincarnation. At least not according to theology classes in the seminaries. But the population likes the idea. And people like the idea of being Christians too. So they just choose to believe in both.

Plenty of Christians have believed in reincarnation over the centuries; a belief in the transmigration of souls from body to body wasn’t officially condemned by the church until the sixth-century A.D. Though the majority of early church fathers rejected reincarnation, some early Christians (like the Gnostic Valentinus) did teach the doctrine. As late as the sixteenth century, astrology was regularly practiced by the popes; a great many scholars consider the Magi (the wise men who come to the infant Jesus) to have been astrologers. The point is that what is taught in the theology classes Goldman evidently hasn’t taken has been refined and developed and changed over centuries, through church councils and confessions of faith written and rewritten again and again.

Faith, as any historian of religion, evolves. When earnest young evangelicals start “house churches” because they imagine that they can somehow go back to the way that Christianity was practiced 18 centuries ago, they fail to see that the very texts they will use in worship and the presuppositions they will bring to their interpretation of those texts are inescapably modern. Many churches have come to permit divorce, ordain women, and celebrate same-sex unions — innovations in the sense that they have not always been traditional practices, but to a growing number of theologians, not inconsistent with either biblical doctrine or the Holy Spirit that animates our understanding of God’s will for our lives. Astrology and reincarnation are certainly not consistent with the more recent traditions of the Church — but on many fronts, those traditions are doing what they have always done, which is change.

Goldman is worried that we are moving towards a world where an increasing number of people think irrationally, ignoring evidence if it interferes wth their own assumptions about the world. This is hardly a new concern, and to the extent that it reflects the failure of our schools to teach critical thinking, I share his anxiety. But as Robert Bellah pointed out so brilliantly a quarter-century ago in his Habits of the Heart, this American tendency to fuse together various traditions in new (and highly individualistic) ways is as old as our republic, if not older. Transcendentalism, which is now seen as both thoroughly American and exceedingly reputable in all but the most troglodytic circles, was condemned and mocked a century and a half ago in far harsher language than that Goldman employs. Emerson, Thoreau and his group mixed everyone from Swedenborg to Kant to Hindu Vedic philosophers — a scandalous mishmash at the time, but now a dignified and celebrated part of our national intellectual inheritage. Would Goldman call Ralph Waldo Emerson a fruitcake? Perhaps.

The loss of loyalty to established churches is not cause for regret, I think. In America, so many of our traditional denominations had their roots in ethnic exceptionalism: the Lutherans were German and Scandinavian, the Presbyterians were Scots, the Catholics Irish or Polish or Italian or Hispanic, the Greek Orthodox were, well, mostly Greek. Just as we’ve happily intermarried and mingled traditions gloriously, so that Christmas trees and menorahs shine in the same households, we’ve also found less and less need to stay within the narrow confines of the institutional affiliations which were comforting to our ancestors. And so we dabble and fuse and explore, taking a bit of this and a bit of that, doing what the church has always done. What could be more “fruitcake” than to give and receive said fruitcake on what is supposed to be the birthday of Christ, but is really the birthday of a pagan sun god? What could be more ‘fruitcake” than to celebrate His resurrection from the dead with rabbits and eggs, on a day named after a pagan Goddess?

One of my favorite bible passages is one of the most perplexing to those who believe that the traditional canons of Scripture are the final word:

“I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you” (John 16: 12-14)

When progressive Christians say “God is still speaking new things”, we rely often on this magnificent passage. And though on Pentecost the Spirit came to many at once, in later times the Spirit often seems to come to folks when they are alone. I don’t fear a world where Christians get their “charts done”. I may have a doctorate in religious history, but I fear more a world where folks with academic and divinity degrees deny that orthodoxy itself is always evolving, as the Spirit continues to tell us what we once could not bear to hear.

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