I get a fair number of emails from college students, almost always young women, who found this blog after having googled the phrase “student crushes”. I reposted the piece that I did on Tuesday after receiving two such emails at the beginning of the week, both from women who had crushes on older, married, male professors.
Let’s review: professors should not date students who are enrolled in their classes, for some excellent reasons. We shouldn’t suborn adultery for some equally important reasons, as I wrote in January ’09 in a post called Helping Him Become What He Pledged Not to Be.
And while I don’t have a problem with professors dating their former students (though the ideal would be that a student would be sufficiently “former” as to have left the campus entirely), I do have a very serious problem with decentralizing the relationship status of the parties in this discussion. I think we can have a serious discussion about whether or not professor-student romantic relationships are invariably unethical and a bad idea. I take that negative position, but know that others — in good faith and at times with very thoughtful reasons — can take the opposite one. But I don’t think that it’s possible to make a compelling case in defense of adultery. While it is possible to critique monogamy as an institution, it isn’t ethically viable to defend dishonesty. And at its heart, the sinfulness of cheating is not in the sex, but in the lie it creates. As I wrote fifteen months ago:
One of the great tragedies of infidelity lies not in what it does to others but what it teaches us about ourselves — that we are fundamentally untrustworthy. And it is hard to be happy while living with the dissonance between one’s language and one’s life.
So let me be clear. I’m happy to chat with folks — in “real life” or through this blog, email, social media and so forth — about the ethical and human issues surrounding this topic in which I am deeply invested. What I’m not interested in doing is co-signing any behavior that dishonors another person’s monogamous commitment. Relationships can end, of course, and romantic statuses can shift. But when we’re dealing with people who have pledged fidelity to others, we have an obligation to do all that we can to help them honor that commitment. Honoring the commitment to fidelity can include breaking up prior to sleeping with someone else. But it cannot include idle flirtation, emotional affairs, or outright seduction.
Older married men who flirt with younger women do so, generally, for ego validation. The longing to know that one still has “it” can be overwhelming, particularly for a fellow who hasn’t really dealt with his own fears about ageing and mortality. But whether he is a politician or a plumber, he needs to grasp that young women — heck, women of any age — are not yardsticks with which to measure the sexual appeal he longs to know has not diminished. When the greying Romeo is a married professor flirting with his own students, that behavior moves from being unfortunate and unwise to reckless and irresponsible.
And that’s a message that apparently needs frequent repeating.
I imagined you’ve answered this elsewhere but I’m responding here. And this response has nothing to do with the student/teacher aspect, only infidelity.
As you know, my feelings about this are complex simply because my father had an affair with my mother whilst married to his first wife.
I’m sure you know of situations where the particulars are more multi-layered than what you espouse. In this case, the affair facilitated the end of a marriage that they both wanted out of. My dad’s first wife has often said, ‘your mother did me the biggest favor of my life’.
And what about the situations where an affair actually SAVES a marriage? You must know of those. Or what about certain cultures where it’s simply understood that the men will screw around? There’s not really any deceit involved there is there?
Yes, in general adultery is not a good thing but there are clearly gray areas no?
I don’t believe that there are cases where an affair saves a marriage though I have read of people that use that as a post-hoc rationalization or minimization of the wrongfulness of their choice to stray.
An affair may prompt growth or lead to learning that saves a marriage but one would hope that there are other ways that such lessons could be learned without the harms of an affair.
An affair, by which I mean a secret breach of an agreement of monogamy by one party, is intrinsically wrongful and the fact that there may be other wrongs in the context does not change that.
I’m not a proponent of the brand of “lesser evilism” that says it is better to have an affair than disrupt the status quo with respect to family, kids, etc. “S/He left me no choice” is never true. It is an excuse for making the easier or less risky choice.
Unless the terms of the monogamy agreement are unclear there is no gray — affairs are a clear breach of ethics (see honesty / Golden Rule) and inconsistent with personal integrity.
On the other hand, good people make bad choices sometimes and contrition, compassion and forgiveness are often able to largely heal the breach. Trite to say – trust is fragile and necessary for true intimacy and devilishly difficult to rebuild once lost.
Hugo:
“Older married men who flirt with younger women do so, generally, for ego validation.”
I’m not so sure about this one. Maybe those older guys actually want to get laid, or perhaps it’s just an enjoyable way to pass the time. The European take on flirtatious behaviour is not (quite) so fraught with negative connotations as here in the US, although age disparate flirting IS often seen as intended leachery, be it older male/younger female or vice versa, it can just as easily be an accepted form of communication, even between strangers.
Flirtation doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Many good communicators “flirt” with others of both sexes as a means to getting them to open up. Certainly we generally think of flirting as a prelude to the possibility of sex, but flirting, in a more clinical sense, can be a means to many other ends.
On the whole, a great post!
I hesitate to bring this up, but perhaps a blog entry on redemption and how to regain integrity after an illicit affair would be helpful to some of your readers.
My thoughts about affairs are close to Randomizers. As far as affairs facilitating the end of a marriage that people both want out of, I always wonder if there wasn’t/isn’t a less destructive way to end a marriage/relationship, by just openly and honestly admitting that it isn’t working.
“My dad’s first wife has often said, ‘your mother did me the biggest favor of my life’.” This is the type of comment that sounds to me like she was saving face, but also recognizing that the relationship wasn’t working. In my experience people often use language to quell unpleasant emotions, such as hurt. They may actually have come to the relazation that they are better off, but it allows them, or the illusion of it more control over their emotions. I know of very few people honest enough to admit that a relationship wasn’t working and yes, they are better off that it ended, but the infidility still hurt like hell and severed trust. No, they use face-saving language, and especially so if they still have to interact with the other person due to children or whatever. Face-saving works when everyone around you is pushing for one to “get over it” and to act in the best interests of the child or whatever.
“Or what about certain cultures where it’s simply understood that the men will screw around?” Are we talking France here? Well, just because it’s expected, doesn’t mean it isn’t destructive and will not break a trust or hurt for that matter. I think that kind of attitude of “well everybody does it” and “it’s expected” is self-deceptive.
In my experience flirting is only seen in the context of a prelude to the possiblity of sex. It would be nice if those were not the only experiences I’ve had, but I cannot say otherwise. If someone is just being friendly and smiles at another and then some whacko takes smiling as “she likes me” and then relentlessly and aggressively pursues you, well it shouldn’t be hard to figure out how that would take out all the fun of flirting.
Funt, the fact that something ends well doesn’t mean the means were well.
You’d think more women would, at some point in their lives, get the basic memo that when a gray-haired, married man says he’ll leave it all behind for you, he’s lying.
Mythago, the way things went in my family was the only way that might have led to my existence so I’m okay with it.
“Fuck all y’alls, I got mine” is certainly a viewpoint, yes.
Well what else do you suggest? That I recant my own existence in the name of ethics?
Funt, I think we can say that a good thing sometimes comes out of something deeply unethical. My father was wrong to cheat on my mother. But out of his cheating, out of something bad, something good came — namely his very happy marriage to my stepmother and my two wonderful half-sisters.
That doesn’t mean adultery is a good. Adultery is always wrong. But bad actions can have good consequences.
How the Puritans treated the Native Americans was abominable and indefensible. But out of the Puritan vision eventually emerged the great, grand, and at least occasionally good American experiment.
Animal testng is wrong. But animal testing occasionally leads to cures. In my mind, the end does not justify the means, so I condemn animal testing irrespective of what cures it may produce. I will use those cures rather than letting them go to waste. I know more contradict myself when I do so than I endorse adultery by hugging my sisters and telling them I am glad that they are alive.
mythago
“Fuck all y’alls, I got mine†is certainly a viewpoint, yes.
And such a pretty and engaging way to stimulate debate and understanding. Bomb throwing is a form of comminication too, I suppose, though not one generally viewed as either subtle, mindful of ones position or very productive.
Hugo:
“I will use those cures rather than letting them go to waste. I know more contradict myself when I do so than I endorse adultery by hugging my sisters and telling them I am glad that they are alive.”
There’s nothing in Funt’s post that suggests anyone endorse adultery. His circumstances, and those of his family, have been both simultaneously sad and redemptive. We all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so let’s not forget that the good thing we do tomorrow may kill someone next week. Perhaps a hug for Funt wouldn’t be out of place right now.
That’s very sweet P.S. but don’t worry, Hugo has hugged me a lot, on and off the board, for the last thirty years.
Hugo, do you realize that this blog is the first time in the aforementioned thirty year period that you’ve told me that your father’s second marriage started as an affair whilst he was married to your mom? And do you realize that this puts every comment you’ve ever made on this subject in a new light?
As P.S. said, at no point did I ever say or imply that ‘adultery can be good’. As you concurred, good can come out of it……..good that can far outweigh whatever bad came into play. In the case of your family, don’t you think that your father being happily married to your stepmom till he died, the births of your sisters, and your mother building a fine new life that she enjoys to this day FAR outweigh whatever pain took place as all of this was transitioning and in fact were WORTH that short term pain? You do? Well then why harp on the component of it that, whilst not recommended, led to it all?
In the case of animal testing I’d like to think that one reason you’re against it is that you believe that those cures could be found by other means. If not then, while I am in basic agreement about it, I could understand why someone whose wife lived because of one of those cures would take exception with your viewpoint.
I won’t go as far as to call adultery a ‘necessary evil’ in some cases but I do think that in light of these scenarios discussed that it can be gray enough to the point of being understandable and forgivable.
Im in major lust with my professor and although i dont condone cheating, i really want him. Baaaad. I just dont know what to do
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