Rachel, who blogs at Musings of an Inappropriate Woman, poses this question from her 16 year-old self: how do I stop creepy old men from hitting on me? Rachel writes of a recent encounter with her favorite advice columnist, Melissa Hoyer:
Me: “OMG, I loved you column! When I was 16, I was going to write in to asking for advice. I wanted to know how I could dress differently to stop attracting creepy old men and start attracting guys my own age instead.â€
Melissa Hoyer: “Er, I don’t think I would have been able to help you with that one.â€
Rachel explains:
At the time, I had come to the conclusion that the reason I was attracting more attention from men who were 18 or 20+, right through to 40 or so, than guys my own age (the ones I was actually interested in) was because I dressed in manner that was too “adultâ€. I wanted to write to Hoyer because I was searching for a way to reconcile my desire to dress in clothes that I felt an aesthetic affinity with, with my desire not be designated an “adult†– an identity I was far from ready to take on at 16 – or a piece of meat because of it.
It was a question that was about far more than fashion, though – and I suspect that’s the reason Hoyer told me she wouldn’t have been able to answer it (although I like to think she would have been touched had I ever sent it off). At its heart, it was a question from a girl/young woman trying to come to terms with and navigate her own objectification.
As a feminist and a father, a professor and a former youth leader with years of experience working with teens, I thought I’d take a shot at answering Rachel’s query.
If I were writing to a 16 year-old named Rachel, I’d say:
Dear Rachel,
I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.
You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed, girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest” garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing, it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.
Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin, she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side, she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent respect) from everyone.
The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable.
Comfort, of course, has many dimensions. There’s physical comfort to consider. A fashion choice that leaves you sweating and itchy on a hot day, or shivering on a cold one, is by definition uncomfortable. When the weather’s warm, wearing more revealing clothing is often as much a matter of comfort rather than style.
Of course, there’s a psychological aspect to comfort, too. The more revealing your clothing (regardless of your reasons for wearing it), the more of your body others can see. It’s important to be honest with yourself about how that makes you feel. Different people have different levels of comfort with having their bodies noticed. That’s a normal variation, and the key thing is to be aware where you are on the spectrum. If your peers or parents urge you to dress in a style that leaves you feeling vulnerable and uncomfortably exposed, you have a right to push back against them. The reverse is true, too.
It’s important too to note that however much skin you are revealing, you are never responsible for another person’s inappropriate behavior. Save for the blind, we are all visual people. We notice each other. There is no right not to be seen. But there is a right not to be stared at with a penetrating gaze of the sort that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable. While it may seem that you get those leers more often when you’re showing more skin, you’ve probably noticed that you get those creepy stares at other times as well. And the key thing you need to know is that men can control their eyes — they really can — and women can control their judgment. Your body is not so powerful that it can drive others to distraction. (And yes, if we’re honest, sometimes we wish that our bodies were that powerful, particularly if it meant drawing the attention of someone to whom we are attracted!) If some men choose to be distracted by you, that is their choice, a decision for which they (not you) are solely responsible. No matter what anyone tells you, you need to remember that.
It is not inconsistent to want to be seen and not be stared at. You know the difference, I suspect, between an “appreciative look” (which can feel very validating) and the “penetrating stare” that leaves you feeling like crawling into a hole. While people are not required to give you the former, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to avoid giving you the latter. It’s also not unreasonable to want guys your age to be interested in you, and want the creepy old ones to leave you alone. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy or naiveté on your part to dress in a way that you hope will get you that positive attention you want without also bringing the negative attention you fear and loathe.
Sometimes, of course, we need other people’s insight and advice. There are little fashion rules that it can be helpful to know (even if only for the sake of breaking them, like the old one about not mixing browns and blacks, or not wearing dark-colored bras under light-colored tops.) Friends and family members may have suggestions for what colors or styles are most flattering to you, and sometimes those suggestions may be helpful. I’m certainly not suggesting you shouldn’t listen to those tips. But I want you to know there’s a world of difference between saying “you know, I think lime green isn’t really your color” and saying “you shouldn’t wear short skirts, because then men will think you’re easy.” The former bit of advice is rooted in an aesthetic truth (aesthetics is a fancy term for the study of what is beautiful or good), the latter in an anxiety that is based on a false assumption about male weakness.
It’s okay to ask, when headed to a new school or a workplace or a party, about the dress code. Few of us want to stand out as totally different from everyone else. Most of us can figure out that what you wear to a birthday party at the water park is different from what you would wear to a funeral service in a church. Dressing for the occasion is part of living in a community with others. But that standard should still have room for a lot of flexibility. A bikini is probably not appropriate at Thanksgiving dinner (unless you’re poolside), but when it comes, say, to school, don’t let anyone tell you that can’t dress up (or down) depending on how you feel.
Here’s a key point: As a father and a teacher and a youth leader and a feminist man who has been around a while (and worked with thousands of young people), I want you to know that while not all men are safe and trustworthy, men’s bad behavior is never, ever, ever, ever, ever “your” fault. Your miniskirt doesn’t cause guys (of any age) to do anything they don’t choose to do (no matter what they say to the contrary). It’s not your job to dress to keep yourself safe from men.
Lastly, let me say that finding your own style is an adventure. It involves a lot of trial, and some not infrequent errors. I promise you, ten or twenty years from now you’ll look at photos of yourself at 16, roll your eyes, and say “What was I wearing? What made me think that looked good?” Despite what some folks tell you, these are not the best years of your life. Not even close. And in terms of your style and your beauty, you aren’t anywhere near your peak. I say that not to belittle you, but to reassure you that you don’t have to get it right yet. You have much more time than you think.
Much love and best of luck,
Hugo
I thought you might be interested in this:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/02/mariella-frostrup-attracted-daughter-friend
There are some older men who will never pay you any inappropriate attention.
There are some older men who will pay you inappropriate attention no matter what you wear.
And then there are some older men who will pay you more inappropriate attention depending on what you wear.
Because the second group exists and because you can’t know exactly what the third group defines as a catalyst for their creepy advances, you should just forget about any supposed correlation between what you wear and what creepy old men do. Too many uncontrolled variables, too much of a margin of error.
As Hugo says, there is no outfit or ensemble you can wear that will guarantee people behaving properly around you.
Eloquently written and something that every girl and young woman should get the advantage of hearing; I wish I had redeived this pep-talk when I was a teen.
Hugo- well said!
Printing this out to save for my (now 5 year old) daughter, sharing with my colleague who has an 8 year old and probably linking on my facebook account.
Thanks!
Excellent. One question, however. When you say “women can control their judgment,” is this a typo? If not, please clarify. Thank you.
It needed more explanation. Some girls experience “judgment” from their female peers as being nearly as painful as sexualized harassment from their male ones. Call it the “who does she think she is” problem, in which one girl’s attire becomes fair game for hostile and cutting, judgmental and cruel remarks from female peers. We can control our tendency to vocalize our judgments just as we can control where and how our eyes wander.
Gotcha. This is such an articulate, empowering piece.
Refreshing to see you express that women can control their judgement. It seems to differ from your earlier statements that men are collectively responsible for womens internalized misogyny and that it is impossible for women to do anything but to police eachothers.
I hope your comment to Melody is more representative of your view than what I’ve read in your earlier posts (in particular those about male weakness).
Tamen, women’s hostility to other women is created and reinforced by the myth of male weakness. Bad male behavior creates the need for women to police each other. That said, women do have the capacity to bite back the vicious epithet before it is uttered to another woman. I’ve never said otherwise. If there’s one point I’ve hammered home, it is that there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse.
But let’s not get into thread drift, as I don’t want to suggest that women’s judgment of other women is the central issue. It is a symptom, not the disease itself.
Feminist dads make me so happy. Reading this post was like finding $20 on the ground. You made my day, and I’m forwarding this to my little sisters. Thank you, sir, for an excellent unpacking of this complicated question.
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Hugo:
“Tamen, women’s hostility to other women is created and reinforced by the myth of male weakness. Bad male behavior creates the need for women to police each other.”
I feel as if I’m being blamed for a crime that I didn’t know had been committed. If I read this aright, women behave badly toward each other because men behave badly toward women. I can understand this concept if it’s framed in the context of a prison camp, or under a crushing dictatorship. Viz, the inmates of a camp are aggressive toward other inmates that they see as antagonising the guards. But that surely doesn’t excuse, or explain, every act of meaness, or venality, or brutality, or all the other bad HUMAN acts that both men and women are capable of on a day to day basis. You can argue nature and nurture all day long, but I have difficulty believing that the women bullies and misogynists in this world are solely the creation of mens bad behaviour towards women. The further implication is that ALL bad behaviour is the fault of men only, women apparently having been subsumed by the sheer maleness of the world, and being unable to exist as anything other than a reflection of men. At what point in my life am I supposed to realise that beating up someone that is physically smaller and weaker than I not the fault of the bulles that beat me up as a youngster? When I bloody well grow up and take responsibility for my actions is when! The way this argument is phrased is insidious, and disenfranchises women in the same way that male belief in male incapacity undermines and disenfranchises men. If responsibility for ones actions and their consequences partly paves the route to salvation, then we must all bear our respective burdens and be willing to admit that we all commit bad acts that are our individual faults. This is not to say that some men DO behave badly toward women, and that women DO suffer real pain and suffering as a result. Had you had said that bad male behaviour creates the need for women to help and teach each other how to avoid becoming victimised by that behaviour, then I think I’d see this post a little differently. And I DO NOT intend to put blame or responsibility for self help on the backs of women only.
Pounding Sand, I think you are not understanding it correctly (or Hugo didn’t punctuate his sentence correctly).
Bad male behavior creates the need for women to police each other is the myth of male weakness.
If you believe in that myth, you believe it’s the job of women to police each other because men couldn’t possibly police themselves. They are, after all (at least according to the myth of male weakness) inherently unable to control themselves.
Hugo is not saying women should police each other or that male behavior creates the need for women to police each other. Quite the contrary.
Weeeeeel Heeeeeeeell!
THAT makes more sense. Doh.
Well written! Loved to read this.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you for this. I was sixteen not very long ago, and wish that a father figure had told me something like this then. What I got from my own father was something very different: “Boys only want one thing, and so cover your damn self.” He still refuses to look at me if I come home and am not covered to his liking. He doesn’t demand a burka, but he would like me much more conservative than I am.
I like your idea of comfort, which has many meanings, as you say.
A+. Thanks dude.
So true. And matey, that was a great link. I hope the guy who write in takes it to heart before he makes an ass of himself. Being hit on by a friend’s dad is definitely on at least the Top Five Potential Creeptastic Events of a teenage girl’s life.
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Once when I was maybe 20, I was heading out to a club with some friends. I was dressed, to my mind, kind of sexy, and I went to say goodbye to my parents when my friends pulled up to get me.
My dad exclaimed “Wow, you look great!”
It was such a small thing, but it made me feel really good, and I recognize now, a decade later, how lucky I am to have him, just like your daughter is lucky to have you. I’d add that this was in STARK contrast to many of my friends’ fathers, some of whom had (*very*) unkind things to say about their daughters’ wardrobe choices.
This one got my blood pressure up:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20100609/lf_ucda/soldiersimaginationgetsaworkoutwhileinthegym;_ylt=ApRhxM8PM7Lgplpn6N0kk4nNbbUC;_ylu=X3oDMTNram80ajlyBGFzc2V0A3VjZGEvMjAxMDA2MDkvc29sZGllcnNpbWFnaW5hdGlvbmdldHNhd29ya291dHdoaWxlaW50aGVneW0EcG9zAzcEc2VjA3luX3BhZ2luYXRlX3N1bW1hcnlfbGlzdARzbGsDc29sZGllcnNpbWFn
16? God, I wore a denim mini skirt with stockings and colorful knee highs at the age of 22 and I got propositioned to by a guy at the bus stop. Like he literally invited me “for a ride”. I was so angry and pissed. I didn’t even wear the damn skirt conventionally. Despite the wonderful things you’ve said, I still often feel unsafe wearing too revealing of clothing unless I’m around people my age, in my own home, or with my boyfriend. I know I can’t control either way, but at least I feel like if I have my boyfriend with me it will ward off some unwanted male attention/advances. If there’s one thing I would love to get rid of it’s those penetrating glares that leave you feeling naked and dirty. What do we young women do about it?
Phynixx, there isn’t always an individual solution to a societal problem. Learning what you’re comfortable pushing back against is important. The larger issue of harassment (which is part and parcel of what we’re talking about here) is marvelously addressed in the brand new book by Holly Kearl, “Stopping Street Harassment.”
@MrsW
I’m glad that link you left doesn’t exist anymore, I read the html and was already RAGING!
And people wonder why I’m a misanthropic basement-dweller. >_<V
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