Thursday Short Poem: Maier’s “Stone Tool”

The land my family has had in the hills northeast of San Jose once belonged to the Ohlone tribe. In my mother’s childhood, a cousin found a mortar and pestle near a stream; we still have it somewhere. (Other artifacts, I’d like to point out, were donated to the Oakland Museum of California History.) I thought of the Ohlone when I read this fine Jennifer Maier poem, which originally appeared in the online journal Image.

Stone Tool

For years it’s been here on my desk,
the stone pestle the Tlingit woman
set down two centuries ago
beside the cedar bowl and the waiting grain.
She must have heard her girl crying in the yard
or her man whistling up from the beach below
and set it down without thinking,
the way you set down a needle or a word
—as if it will actually wait for you!—
not leap to the beak of some laughing bird
the minute your back is turned
or roll to your toddler’s imperial hand
asking to be flung—

And I can see this would have been
her best one, the shaft hewn by the rhythms
of laboring women, the head worn
smooth as beach rock by the tides
of the harvests.

When they left camp it stayed behind,
a tuber of memory in the dark ground,
keeping its tale of feeding and plenty
until the morning my blue-eyed grandmother
turned over her spade,
and we laughed at the way a thing
disappears until it is ready to find you,
until it is hungry for use.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

Farewell to the Timeses

Today, I canceled our newspaper subscriptions.

For years, my wife and I have received both the New York and the Los Angeles Times seven days a week. Indeed, I’ve subscribed to the latter paper since I moved to L.A. 21 years ago. Before that, when I lived in the Bay Area as a college student, I made sure my co-op got copies of the “paper of record” as well as the San Francisco Chronicle. (I read them both every day.) Growing up, we took the Monterey Herald, going back to the days when it was an afternoon rather than a morning paper. (I briefly worked as a delivery boy when I was in fifth grade.)

I love the feel of newsprint in my hands. From a sensory perspective, I’d rather read the actual paper than visit a website. I like the smell and the texture — and yes, I even am rather fond of the inkstains. Newspapers also connect me to my childhood. All of the adults of my childhood read newspapers. Heck, I learned to read in part by struggling to read the Herald as a child in the early 1970s. And I’ve often thought that if I hadn’t gone into teaching, and hadn’t pursued the whoppingly absurd dream of becoming a priest, I might well have sought a career in journalism.

For months now, the papers have been stacking up, unread. I leave the house so early these days (usually by 6:00AM if not well before); the papers rarely arrive before 5:45. As a father and a husband with a long commute, an acute sense of duty, and a penchant for workaholism, I can’t find the time for more than a few minutes with the paper anyway. It seems such a waste of paper. After all, the same news is available online, and in a far more convenient fashion.

Since becoming a father, I’ve realized that I get most of my news from two sources: the BBC (I have Sirius Satellite Radio), the website for the New York Times (it’s my favorite news source), as well as sites for half a dozen other papers. I still get the stories I want, but I get them on my iPhone when I have a few precious minutes of quiet, or I listen in the car on the way to work. It’s all so much more convenient than reading the paper.

I’m quite happy to pay for access to quality news sites. Indeed, one reason I haven’t canceled the papers earlier is guilt over not doing my bit to subsidize responsible print journalism. I’m a blogger, and have become in my own way a fairly well-known one – and I’m damn clear that no blog run by an amateur is a substitute for the quality reporting of a journalistic professional. I want those journalists to make money. I want some trustworthy outfit to have full-time reporters in places like Kabul and Bangkok and Lagos, the sort of journalists who know the key players and have spent time and effort getting background information. But of course, papers like the LA Times have long since shut down most of their foreign bureaux. Many papers are no better than what passes for news on television these days. I have no interest in politicized infotainment. (These days, I watch sports and “Modern Family”, and that’s about it.)

I wanted Heloise to grow up seeing her parents read the paper. But I suspect that by the time my daughter is in high school, papers will have gone the way of LPs or rotary-dial phones. There are other ways to ensure that she engages early with our global community, and takes delight (as we hope she will) in being a well-informed citizen of the world. (Hell, she’s only sixteen months old and she already knows how to run her finger across my iPhone screen to scroll to the next pic in my photo album.) There’s no point in having trees cut down unnecessarily so that Heloise can have the same experience with her parents in the 2010s that I had with mine in the 1970s.

I may still pick up a paper at the coffee shop or the grocery store; I’ll certainly do so at airports. (One rarely is told by FAs that you newspapers need to be put away during landings and takeoffs, after all.) But after having had a daily paper on my front doorstep going back to my childhood, it’s time to say goodbye to an information delivery system that simply has no place in my day-to-day lifestyle. And time for folks like me to pony up cash to read quality journalism online.

Hate hides behind propriety: of PDAs, the Black Cat Tavern, and interracial romance

In my Queer History class last week, I lectured on pre-Stonewall gay activism. I focused on Los Angeles, largely because L.A.’s role in the fight for sexual justice tends to be downplayed in the dominant narrative. Folks who know very little about gay and lesbian history often recall just two names “Stonewall” (in New York) and “Harvey Milk” (who was, of course, the assassinated San Francisco supervisor.) L.A., where the first enduring gay rights organization (the Mattachine Society) was founded, and where UCLA’s Evelyn Hooker did the first research to prove that homosexuals were essentially normal, is all-too-frequently ignored. (Lilian Faderman and Stuart Timmons give us the best corrective in their marvelous 2006 work, Gay L.A.)

Last Wednesday, we discussed the Black Cat Tavern arrests. In the first few seconds of 1967, queer patrons at that Silverlake bar kissed their same-sex partners to celebrate the coming of the New Year. They weren’t through one chorus of Auld Lang Syne before LAPD officers, who had been waiting for a “display of vice”, moved in and began to arrest those who had been engaging in public displays of homosexual affection. The arrests, part of a common pattern of police harassment, were in themselves not surprising. What was remarkable was the community response. Over the next three months, demonstrators in Silverlake and across Los Angeles organized to support the defense of those arrested, and public protests were held to demand an end to police crackdowns on the homosexual community. At one point in March 1967, 3000 gay and lesbian protestors (and their allies) blocked Sunset Boulevard at Sanborn Avenue. At that point, the Black Cat protest became the largest such queer rights protest that had ever been held. As important as the Stonewall riots were, they came more than two years later. (One feels tempted to complain of “East Coast media bias”.)

But my point was not just to rehabilitate Los Angeles as the epicenter of early gay activism. Rather, I wanted to make a point about public displays of affection (PDAs). Young people today have a hard time seeing the political component of sexual behavior. What two people do in public, they believe, ought to be regulated by their comfort level and by the “time, place, and manner” in which they touch or kiss each other. Without denying that a public/private distinction is an important one, I asked my students to consider the revolutionary potential for sexual behavior that contradicts established norms. Sometimes, I argued, offending others is desirable and necessary — because the prejudices that undergird the sense of being offended need to be uprooted.

My first wife was of Chinese ancestry. My fourth and final wife is of Afro-Colombian ancestry. Neither looks “white.” (My second and third wives were as WASPy as the day is long.) I remember vividly the first time I went with Alyssa (spouse #1) to San Francisco’s Chinatown. As we walked down the street holding hands, we got hostile stares; one old woman cursed us in Cantonese, which Alyssa partly understood. At one point, I dropped my girlfriend’s hand. Alyssa grabbed it again.

“Why did you do that?” she demanded.

“I don’t want to offend people”, I replied.

“Hugo”, she said firmly as she pressed her body against mine, “they need to be offended. We aren’t doing anything a same-race couple wouldn’t do.”

Her point was that the hostility we were encountering was rooted in ethnic prejudice against interracial couples, not in animus towards public displays of affection. Alyssa, who was hardly flamboyant in her sexuality, believed that it was nonetheless important to confront rather than accommodate bigotry. She who became my first wife believed that acceptance would only come as a result of making interracial romance appear normative. That required a willingness to offend. Continue reading

Of hungry, haunted looks and my gregarious daughter

Swamped this week, but wanted to expand on something I mentioned in a Facebook status update yesterday.

Heloise is walking now, but not surprisingly, still enjoys being carried about. She’s a social little one, eager to wave to strangers and dogs and birds and anything else that seems reasonably animate. Her vocabulary is up to about twenty words, but her favorite is “Hi!”. My daughter is an enthusiastic greeter.

I do enjoy watching strangers smile at HCRS. I like seeing the pleasure on others’ faces when they see my cheerful and beautiful daughter. I know too that not everyone is equally enamored of small children, and I do my best to make sure Heloise is not an unreasonable annoyance to those category.

No one prepared me, however, for the desperate hunger I see in some eyes when they gaze at Heloise. I’m not talking about pedophiles. I’m talking about a different kind of longing, the longing of those who seem to very much want a child but haven’t had one, or haven’t had a daughter, or whose own children are grown and gone. I feel a strange mix of protectiveness and compassion every time I see that look, which is almost every day that I’m out with Heloise in public. It’s painful and disquieting.

I know that very few of those whose ache is evident would attempt to kidnap or otherwise harm my little girl. As her father, however, my first responsibility is to safeguard Heloise against even relatively remote possibilities. I trust my intuition and my common sense (of which, surprisingly, I have my share). So when I sense that craving coming from another, I respond with caution, and hold on to my daughter just a bit tighter.

Yes, I do pick up on that longing more often from women. As a feminist, I want to hasten to say that I don’t buy into the notion that those who choose childlessness will invariably regret it. I’ve known plenty of women who never had children, and now — in their 50s, 60s, and beyond — are perfectly happy with their decision. I also think that the hysteria about declining fertility is foisted onto young women as part of a political agenda to discourage their participation in the marketplace, and to encourage them to settle for husbands about whom they are lukewarm at best. But that’s another post.

At the same time, there’s no point in denying that for many, childlessness was not a choice. Our commitment to the position that women ought not to be required to have babies they don’t want shouldn’t blind us to the truth that some women desperately want babies that for any number of reasons they cant have.

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t rejoice in my daughter. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t worry about her. I don’t overestimate her fragility, but I do understand her vulnerability. I am very clear on the responsibility her mother and I share. And sometimes, that responsibility means compassionately turning Heloise away from those whose longing is painfully evident.

Contra Arizona: in defense of ethnic and gender studies, and in defense of resentment

I’m in San Jose Airport, waiting for a flight back down to Southern California. It’s been a whirlwind three days with family and friends in Carmel, San Francisco, Yountville and several places in between.

Much has been made, and rightly so, of Arizona’s recently passed law banning the teaching of ethnic studies courses in public schools. The wording of the bill, signed by Governor Jan Brewer, barred the teaching of courses that “promote resentment toward a race or class of people; are designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group; advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals”.

The second of those three points is a valid one, but it’s a straw person. In my quarter century in academia, I’ve never seen an Ethnic Studies course that wasn’t welcoming of all students — including those whose ethnicity was not the subject matter. I took a number of Ethnic Studies classes at Cal in the 1980s (particularly in Chicano Studies, where I took courses with Cherrie Moraga, Norma Alarcon, and Gary Soto); in at least one of those, I remember being the only white feller in the class. And I was never made to feel unwelcome, nor did I ever get the sense that the courses were filled with “insider information”. I loved my Chicana Feminism class (taught by Alarcon), and appreciated that I was neither ostracized nor patronized by the professor or my fellow students. The work I did in those classes began with my willingness to suspend my own suspicion, to avoid the temptation to be defensive, and to recognize the multipliciities of privilege that had shaped my worldview. I bring the insights I learned in those courses into my own teaching every damn semester. Teaching a student body that is close to 80% non-white, I can say with certainty that I would be a much poorer and less imaginative professor had I never taken those courses.

I’m concerned that the Arizona law represents a serious threat to Women’s Studies as well. It’s obviously impossible to teach my primary gender course, Women in American Society, without talking about the ways in which women — as a class, and not merely as individuals — have been oppressed. What many consider the founding document of First Wave feminism, 1848′s Declaration of Sentiments opens its third paragraph with words that might cause trouble under the Arizona diktat’s first requirement, that resentment ought not to be promoted against any particular group of people:

The history of mankind is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations on the part of man toward woman, having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over her. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

The use of the singular is a rhetorical device, modeled on the Declaration of Independence. But it drives home the point that sexism has been both institutional and highly personal: it has been taught in the schools and in the home; it is promoted and defended in public, and lived out cruelly in private. Men as a class — and men as individuals — have oppressed, exploited and marginalized women for centuries. This is as much a fact as two plus two equalling four; no rational person, confronted with the evidence, could deny that fact. The degree to which that sexism remains a problem in the Western industrialized world is a subject for debate, but that it existed at all, and existed for a very long time, certainly isn’t. And no one, perhaps particularly a woman, can absorb the history of how women of all classes and backgrounds were brutalized and silenced by systems and by loved ones without being filled with something very much like resentment.

The very word resentment is important: it comes from the Latin sentire, “to feel”, and from re, meaning “again”. Resentment means to feel again — or, more loosely, to be reminded of old injuries. To teach history well, we who serve Clio must be agents of resentment, stirring up anger and grief as we demand that the wounds inflicted in the past be remembered, and even felt, again. To be a woman or to be black has historically meant a particular vulnerability to injustice. Those students who have no sense of the past (which is to say, almost everyone before they study history) need to connect themselves to the experiences of their ancestors, feeling their pain as well as their joy. That is what it means to “resent.”

Conservatives ask that students take pride in the accomplishments of the Americans who came before; the authorities in Texas have done all that they can to rewrite our history to encourage uncritical adulation of manifest destiny and the American project. To encourage pride is to encourage an emotional response to history; to encourage resentment is the same thing. Whoever we are, we can find much in the history of our forebears to give us pride. But an honest account of the American experience will make clear that for most of our history, those who weren’t white men generally suffered far more than those who were. To ask that the less-pleasant aspects of the past be expunged for fear of stirring up negative emotion is profoundly irresponsible and profoundly at odds with the job of the historian, which is to invite both intellectual and emotional responses to the narrative of what was.

If we Americans are who we say we are, we are surely secure enough to lay open the books and tell the darker aspects of the national story with the same rousing passion with which we tell of our triumphs. And if we do that, there will be a great deal of resentment on the part of those who identify with the abused, the victimized, and the ignored. That is exactly as it should be.

I’m a history and gender studies professor. I stir up resentment. The day that stops happening is the day I’ve begun to fail at my job.

The first promise I could keep: of school photos and comforting the inner child

Earlier this week, I had an interesting conversation via email with an old friend of mine from middle school. He had added me on Facebook after noting we had many mutual contacts; we went to Carmel Middle School together from 1978-1980. I barely remembered him.

He reminded me, not in a cruel way, of what an unhappy boy I’d been in those years. I don’t know many people who regard the years between 11 and 13 as the most fulfilling of their childhood, but I was an awkward, unpopular, thoroughly alienated kid in the sixth and seventh grades. My old acquaintance still has our seventh grade yearbook (mine is long lost), and mentioned looking at my photo again recently, and seeing how evidently miserable I was. Minutes before the photo was taken one morning in September 1979, I’d had my backpack stolen. (I found it later in a trash can; it had been taken more out of puerile cruelty than greed.) In the picture, it’s clear that there are tears in my eyes. The yearbook photographers could airbrush out the skin blemishes that had already begun to ravage my face, but they couldn’t do anything about the pain in my expression.

The yearbook may be gone, but I have a copy of that photo. Indeed, that picture of me at age twelve was on my bureau for several years after I got clean again in 1998. Days after being discharged from what I pray will be my last hospitalization due to drugs and alcohol, I found a 8×10 color glossy print of that terrible photo tucked into some family papers. On an impulse, I stuck it on my mirror. A few days later, I put it in a frame.

I wanted to remind myself, each day, of the unhappiness that had been so much a part of my youth. I didn’t do it in order to wallow in self-pity. I did it because I decided, at 31, that it was time to heal the wounds of that scared and lonely and angry little boy. Despite his pain, that little boy had persevered in school, finding refuge in books. He had found refuge in animals and in nature. As isolated and alienated as he felt, and would feel for years, he had had hope — hope that someday things would be different, that he would be happy, that he would feel as if he had purpose and that he belonged. That hope had sustained him.

But that little boy was already an addict. When that seventh grade picture was taken, he hadn’t yet found drugs and alcohol. (He would find them soon, within a year.) But he had found compulsive masturbation, he had found sugar, he had found self-mutilation. He knew how to alter his mood to grant him a temporary reprieve from what was in his head. And many of those behaviors would only get worse, far worse, over the ensuing two decades.

When I made the decision in 1998 that I had to get sober, that I had to give it all up (drugs, booze, sexual acting out, self-injuring), I found strange comfort in that picture of my boyhood self. I remembered the old saying that “the boy is father to the man”, and decided (perhaps it was because I’d read too much John Bradshaw) that I was going to be the father to that terribly unhappy boy whose face I looked at every morning. During that long strange summer of detox and celibacy and growth, I looked at that boy every morning. I usually spoke to him, as I dressed for the day: “Don’t worry, Hugo, I’m here. We’re going to make it.”

My peers and I are transitioning into middle age with varying degrees of self-acceptance. I have friends and acquaintances who are still haunted by what they endured three decades ago and more; the scars of childhood and puberty don’t always heal. But for me, one key tool in my own growth, in my journey from being ruled by an unhappy and lonely inner child to being an inner and outer adult, was my commitment to that little boy whom I once was. I could not undo the hurt that had been done. But I could remember his desperate hope that things would get better, and I knew I could make those hopes real. As narcissistic as it may sound, that memory of my childhood self became a key instigator of my adult transformation.

It was unthinkable that that unhappy twelve year-old should have nothing more to look forward to than a lifetime of addiction. It was too much to bear to think that he should spend the rest of his days oscillating between pathetic expectation and crushing disappointment. He needed more and he needed better. And by God’s grace (and the 12 steps, therapy, and a hell of a lot of hard work), that sullen and isolated and hurting little boy saw his deepest wish come true.

I recommend this technique to everyone. Take out that embarrassing picture of your childhood self at your most awkward and most miserable. Put it somewhere prominent. And make that kid a promise that their pain will not endure forever. In ’98, I was a man who had broken all of my vows and promises a thousand times over. And as it happened, the first promise I could keep was to an unhappy little boy who needed so badly to know that everything — everything — would get better.

Thursday Short Poem: Porter’s “Discs with Everything”

The Anglo-Australian poet Peter Porter died earlier this year. This is one of his better-known works. As one who remembers unhappily the late ’90s’, early ’00s fashion for bundling CD-roms into every textbook, this poem is perfect.

Discs with Everything

Moses had a trusted follower
at a level lower than his own
who helped to carry down the Decalogue
from Sinai. What’s not well-known
is that the Tablets this time came
with special offers, if he filled the form in,
of incisive and assured declensions
of parallel religions from established
and adjacent states, Assyria, Egypt
and a place called Pontus. He shook them out
over his waste-papyrus basket –
they made quite a clatter. Nothing, he said,
can match the matchless offers of the Lord.

Later there were so many unsolicited
additionals to be discounted.
Along with his Vita Nuova, Dante
was obliged to include a CD
of extracts from the Summa Theologica
and an offer of a year’s subscription
to the whole concordance. Paradise Lost
was similarly intruded on
by Affairs of State in tiny type
endorsed by Andrew Marvell
on reproduction House-of-Commons-
headed paper. Many decades on, Mein Kampf
was outweighed by its onanist inclusions.

Today we know that when tomorrow dawns
all separate offers will be off –
a crowded planet’s just an insight
into Heaven or its still invisible
other side, as Hell, and souls will be
unseparate as Blake’s hunched grains of sand.
But this we cannot feel because we clutch
our own Complete and Finished Works
and have been promised readership
and plaudits. Is it my impulsive notes,
my sugared sonnets or my wizened words
you’ll love? I have a dusty disc which played
will cry and cry and will not be switched off.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

“Sometimes the greatest way we can honor our parents is by not living up to their expectations”: the original “daring to disappoint” post

If I had a list of my own ten favorite posts I’ve written, this would be near the top. From March 2006.

In a comment below last Friday’s post about virginity and expectations, a wonderful former student of mine named Connie writes:

Hugo, my question is this, how do we deal with the pressure of knowing our parents sacrifice so much so that we can succeed?

My parents have always given me everything I ask for and expect nothing in return except that I excel in my academics so that I can be successful, live a good life and help them out when they get old. What frustrates me is that this seems like such a simple request that I should be able to fulfill it with ease. Yet, because the notion seems so simple, there is more pressure and if I can’t do something as simple as studying and getting good grades, I am a failure. Having an education is simply not enough. I have to be at the top of my class. Sometimes I wonder if that’s part of my parents’ paradigm or mine because I am always striving to be the best. I guess I fear letting my parents down if I settle for average and as a result, I let myself down. I just want to be happy but I can’t be unless my parents are. I love my parents immensely and am forever grateful for everything they’ve sacrificed for me, I would just like to prove that to them and give them something in return.

Connie fits into the same demographic of many of the students I’m writing about: the child of Asian immigrants, raised with one foot firmly in this culture and another elsewhere, trying so hard to live up to what are, as she makes clear, intense and sometimes overwhelming expectations.

I’ve thought a lot about what it means to teach feminism to a classroom filled with young women whose parents believe that their daughters owe them something. It took me a long time to come to grips with just how crushing those expectations are that women like Connie describe. (I was fortunate: my parents told me that while they hoped I would do well, they would be perfectly satisfied if I merely earned the "gentlemen’s C".  Yes, when I was at Cal in the late-80s, some folks still used that expression without a trace of irony!)  And while male students from certain working-class or immigrant backgrounds also are hit with the burden of parental expectations for success, they usually get to escape the simultaneous requirement that they be virginal while earning straight As!

For so many young women from these backgrounds, sexual purity is less about a private spiritual decision and more about honoring an obligation to a mother and father who have invariably sacrificed so much so that their daughter could have a "better life."  Most of my first-generation students at the community college are acutely aware of just how hard their parents have worked to give them the chance at an education and a promising career.  Though their parents may or may not have strong religious beliefs, they almost always teach their girls that pre-marital sex represents a threat not merely to their daughter’s personal success but to the well-being of the entire family.  Just as in the most tradition-bound of societies, a daughter’s virginity is still all- too-often powerfully connected to the hopes and dreams and sacrifices of a mother and father who have come so very far and worked so very hard for a better life.

And virginity is also of course a symbol for all of the other things a dutiful and hard-working daughter owes to her parents.  In most traditional cultures, daughters and daughters-in-law will be the primary providers of elder care.  Connie writes that her parents expect her to take care of them when they get old. Of course, they’d probably like her to get married and give them grandchildren.  And if she marries a man from a similar background, his parents may expect their daughter-in-law to care for them when they become elderly.  And she’ll do this while holding down a terrific job of which her parents can be suitably proud, and being an excellent mother to their grandkids.  And somehow, women like Connie describe this as "a simple request"!

So you deny your sexuality through your entire adolescence, and put off sexual relationships until you’re finished with college.   Ideally, you find the husband (whom the ‘rents hope will be from the same ethnic group) just as you begin to climb the corporate (or medical) ladder.  You have kids while somehow holding down the job.  You prepare marvelous meals that reflect the best traditions of your ancestral cuisine, your hair and makeup are immaculate, your body is trim, your husband is kept happy, and two sets of doting grandparents are given well-behaved children.  You then begin to care for those grandparents while still holding down the job, still raising the kids, still cooking the superb whatever from the old recipes, still keeping your husband happy.  Sister, ain’t nothing simple about it!  From a feminist perspective, it looks like one long litany of sacrifice, one long list of obligations, one long reminder that as a dutiful daughter, wife, and mother, one’s happiness is always contingent on the joy one brings to others.

Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

“My life doesn’t revolve around you”: a note of gratitude for a feminist mom (reprinted)

This post originally appeared in March 2006. I post it again, now that I’m a father, with even more gratitude.

My mother called on Saturday to tell me that she liked my "daring to disappoint" post from last Tuesday.   She gave me her permission to post the following.

My parents divorced when I was six; my brother and I were raised by a single mother.  (Our father visited regularly, and theirs was — thank God — a civil and even cordial separation.)  It was not easy being a single mom to two very young sons.  We might have lived in Carmel, but money was tight at times, and my mother had to cope with all of the anxieties and doubts that come in the aftermath of a divorce, separation, and the assumption of sole permanent custody.

But as we talked about on Saturday, my mother also gave a great gift to my brother and me: she always made it clear that she wasn’t sacrificing her life for us.   From the time we were small, our mother always took time for herself.  She had her poetry group, her work with the League of Women Voters, and other social and community activities in which we were not involved.  Now mind you, she was a loving and devoted mom!  My brother and I grew up knowing we were cherished and protected and cared for.  But we also knew that our mother did not exist merely to meet our needs — she had a mind of her own, wants of her own, and she was going to make time for herself as well as for her sons.

What my mother wanted to do, and succeeded in doing, was liberating us from the horrible pressure of living our lives to pay back a mom who had "sacrificed everything for us."  My mom had seen too many parents devote everything they had to their children, with their only joys coming from their kids’ successes.  She had seen some of those kids grow up into anxious and guilt-ridden adults, who were continually haunted by a sense that their mothers and fathers (more often their mothers) had given up so damned much for them.  There are few burdens more awful, she felt, than having to live a life that justifies all of your parent’s sacrifices!

My mother was and is a feminist.  As I’ve written before, we grew up with Ms. Magazine and books by Germaine Greer and Kate Millett on the coffee table.  But my mother’s greatest feminist lesson was this: she made it clear that we could not expect women to drop everything for us.  Relationships mattered, families mattered, love mattered — but personal happiness mattered too!  My mother knew that someday her sons would be in relationships with women, and she knew enough to know that how she met our needs as small boys would be reflected in many of our choices when we became boyfriends, lovers, and husbands.   So she showed us two things:

1.  She loved us very, very much and always would

2.  Her happiness was not solely contingent upon us

I grew up with absolute certainty about both of these things, and it was and is one of the greatest gifts my mother could have given me.  My mother never, ever, gave us the awful speech far too many of my students get: "After all I’ve done for you, you owe it to me to…"  I’ve seen friends of mine who still struggle as adults to overcome the tremendous guilt they feel, knowing how much their parents sacrificed for them.  And while I honor that their parents did make sacrifices, I urge these same friends to not pass on this dreadful legacy to their children.  This doesn’t mean abandoning your kids, mind you — it’s perfectly possible to shower your children with love and give them a sense of security while simultaneously making it clear to them from an early age that your happiness does not hinge on what they do!

So my belief in the importance of women’s autonomy and personal freedom — even as wives and mothers — came to me early in life.  A first-born son growing up in a household without a father (amateur psychologists, have at it!), I was very close to my mother.  I still am.  And my adult feminism is linked in no small way to the lessons she taught me.  Motherhood, I learned, is a role — but it need not be an all-consuming identity.  The fact that my mother had a life outside of her children gave me the confidence to live out my life without fear that I would destroy her if I made mistakes or deviated from a planned path.  Her commitment to her own happiness allowed me to make a similar commitment to my own — and for that, I will forever be tremendously grateful.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged