Making the decision: more on men, women, and waiting to be struck by certainty (reprint)

From July 2008.

A former student of mine, “Ruth”, writes in:

When you are dating someone and want to “take it to the next
level” and be in a commited relationship and the other person claims to
not be “ready right now,” but yet still wants you in their life
romantically, is it wiser to assume that the person is simply “not that
into you” and move on? It’s a loaded question, I know. But my take on
it is that, when you feel strongly enough for someone the question of whether
or not you are “ready” goes out the window. Other people have told
me, it’s not so black and white, that you can have deep feelings for
someone and the timing can be off to where it’s just not the “right
time.” Others argue, that everyone is different and for some people it
takes a little more time to make the call as to whether or not they want to put
forth the energy into actually being in a relationship with someone. Is giving
another person time so bad? I mean, when there is nothing to lose? In the
initial stages of courtship, isn’t one person more engaged in it then the
other?

Ruth has been seeing this lad since October of last year, and describes the attraction between the two of them as deep, strong, and multi-faceted. But Ruth is readier for an enduring commitment than he is, and wants to know if “waiting it out” is wise.

A reluctance to commit to a monogamous relationship can, of course, stem from many factors. One plausible explanation is, indeed, that he (or, in some instances, she) is “just not that into you.” But that’s not, in my experience, the most common explanation for a refusal to pledge monogamy or to move towards whatever the “next level” of commitment may be.

As I’ve written before, we live in a culture where young men are encouraged to “wait to be struck by certainty.” In other words, we discourage men in particular from making any enduring commitments until they are “absolutely sure” that they are doing the right thing. Because even now, we push romantic myths much more strongly onto our daughters, young women are, generally speaking, more likely to believe that they are “sure” sooner than the men they’re dating. What we forget is a simple truism: certainty is rarely a predicate to action, but rather a consequence. Put simply, we frequently only become certain about a relationship as a result of making the commitment. If we wait for certainty as a condition for making a commitment, we may wait in vain. (I’ve got a book proposal out there that makes this point in considerably more detail.)

Years ago, when I was in high school, one of my female friends, to whom I was very close, got engaged to be married. I was at a cynical age, and this friend was my age — I was very concerned that she was rushing into something foolish. (As it turned out, she broke off the engagement, blessedly, before graduation.) But she said something to me that haunted me for years: “When you know, you know.” She meant that when you or me, or anyone else meets the “right person”, an absolute sense of the “rightness of it all” would descend. There would be clarity. True love, my friend believed, meant the absence of any doubt. And I took her at her word that it was so.

Having been married four times and divorced thrice, I know a bit about impulsive decisions. I also know how specious a claim “when you know, you know” is. Our hearts and our minds and our bodies lie to us; our capacity for self-deception (and to allow the object of our affection to deceive us) is immense. Most of us know what it’s like to have been “sure” about something or someone, only to discover down the line that we were wrong both about the other person and, more importantly, about ourselves.

There’s a difference between the “false certainty” of initial infatuation and the enduring certainty that comes over time. The foolish place their trust in the former. When they feel that certainty, they act. Conversely, when they don’t feel absolutely sure, they remain incapacitated by doubt. They don’t understand that real certainty comes as a result of action in the face of doubt; assuming that certainty is the absence of doubt is a disastrous mistake that the young all too frequently make.

I’m not a big fan of “waiting” for someone to decide what they want. I’m a big fan of ultimata. We teach young women not to give an ultimatum to their beaux, warning them against the dangers of “scaring off” a boyfriend by being too demanding and insistent. But while demanding an engagement ring after six weeks together is absurd, insisting on a monogamous commitment after nine months together isn’t. I’m a great believer in giving people options! Ruth needs to give her lad two clear options: move clearly towards a more definitive bond, or stop seeing each other. If he says “I’m not sure what I want” or “I’m not ready”, she needs to understand that sureness and readiness will probably only come as a result of his making a choice. If he waits for certainty to come first, he could wait — and keep her waiting — until the second Obama Administration.

Sixteen years ago this month, I was struggling with the decision to leave my first wife. I was in one of my many periods of temporary sobriety, and I had a Twelve Step sponsor. I was talking to Jenia (the sponsor, not the wife) about my doubts and what she called my “analysis paralysis” as I weighed, endlessly, the pros and cons of staying married. At one point, I said to Jenia, “Why won’t God give me a sign as to what I should do?” And Jenia, who was a very wise woman, told me something I’ve never forgotten: “God is waiting for you to make this decision. He won’t make it for you. But His promise is that He will be with you and strengthen you regardless of what you choose. But if you want to feel Him near, first you must choose.”

I told my wife I wanted a divorce one hour later. And indeed, the certainty only came in the aftermath of the choice.

When an ultimatum is given, as I suggest it ought to be given by Ruth, it needs to be backed up firmly. Pleas for “a little more time” need to be disregarded. And if the choice ends up being to break up, Ruth needs to accept that the break-up did not happen because she was too pushy or too demanding. All of us are deserving of being chosen, and, after a certain period of time together, all of us have a right to demand that our lovers either choose us or leave us.