This post first appeared in July 2009
This summer session in my women’s history course, I’ve been more conscientious than usual about suggesting proactive solutions for young feminists to use as they navigate their way through a difficult and misogynistic world. I’ve got a compendium of tips, all of which ought to be collected into a single blog post at some point. But one suggestion I’ve made repeatedly, and which I’ve seen proven useful again and again, is that young people of both sexes (but especially young women) set aside money for themselves.
It comes from something I heard years ago from a feminist colleague of mine. She remarked, apropos of nothing that I can remember, “You know what freedom is? Freedom is having first, last, and a security deposit.” (Most landlords require a first month’s payment and a last month’s payment in advance before renting an apartment; most require a security deposit, often equal to another month’s rent.) For young people living in unhappy home situations with repressive parents, or for women in abusive relationships, the ability to leave and begin a different life is tied to access to money. Feminists rightly celebrate the importance of “choice” and “autonomy”, but we must always acknowledge that it is far easier to exercise these two fundamental goods when one has resources over which one has direct control.
This is not a new point, of course; Virginia Woolf said as much in her indispensable “A Room of One’s Own.” Some years, I’ve given my students excerpts from Woolf to read; many identify all too well with the famous point about Shakespeare’s sister. But whether they read it in Woolf or hear it from a professor or pick it up from their friends, it’s vital — particularly for those from families with few resources — that women start putting aside money that will be theirs and theirs alone. Perhaps, yes, money with which to rent a room of one’s own; perhaps money with which to buy a car. Perhaps money with which to take a life-changing trip abroad. The freedom to become who one was called to be is considerably easier with money of one’s own.
This all sounds obvious, of course. But for many of my students, setting aside even small bits of money is very difficult. The “pleasing woman discourse” is pervasive, and it makes it all too easy for whatever amounts of spare cash are accumulated to be offered to the invariably needy and demanding multitudes that surround far too many young women. In some families, young women are expected to contribute to their parents’ rent and to the grocery money; for many of my working-class students, particularly in the current Great Recession, living at home is as much about helping their family survive as it is about remaining under the control of overly-watchful parents.
But hard-earned money (most of my students work) doesn’t just go for rent and gas and food. Friends and relatives always seem to need an extra $20 here, an extra $50 there. Cousins need bailing out of jail; brothers need help paying the deductible to repair a car. Grandma’s birthday is coming up, and the family wants to get her something special — and yet when the time comes to cough up cash to buy the gift, brother Billy has spent his and Dad decided it was more important to upgrade the big-screen TV in the family room. And so the dutiful daughter pays a disproportionate share. Little sister needs a quinceanera dress. A friend is getting married (too young, you think, but hey, she’s in love) and has asked you to be in the wedding; you’ll buy a dress you’ll only wear once along with a host of other related expenses. The dreams of what one might do with money of one’s own run right into the incessant, unwearying expectations of a culture that demands that women share everything that they have.
So part of the trick isn’t learning to save money, it’s learning to say “no” to the never-ending demands that others place on it. Women, far more so than men, are expected to “share” whatever they have with those around them in need. A man who saves and resists the temptation to share every last penny with those around him is virtuous, thrifty, and ambitious; a woman who displays the same qualities is selfish, ungrateful, and materialistic. The money carefully laid away for an apartment or a trip is sometimes stolen outright from shoeboxes and underwear drawers; it is also systematically “stolen” through the relentlessness of the pleasing woman discourse, a discourse that declares “No” is a word a good woman ought never utter to those whom she loves. For many of my students, learning to say “No” to friends and family is the first great hurdle to clear in Feminism 101.
Of course, there are times and instances when it is appropriate to help. Contributing to a fund to help grandpa get his eye surgery in Mexico is, perhaps, a worthwhile use of one’s private resources (presuming that one is not the only one shouldering the financial burden). Bailing out one’s brother because he got picked up on another DUI is perhaps not wise; many women have spent whatever small amounts of private capital they have accumulated to make up for the recklessness of male family members. What is needed is discernment, the ability to distinguish between the worthy request for assistance that ought to be considered and the tiresomely obligatory demand that a daughter and a sister have nothing for herself that cannot be shared. Learning to discern takes friends and role models and a determination not to give up on one’s private and most fervent aspirations.
I often suggest that my students tell no one, not even parents or boyfriends/girlfriends, about their private savings. Whether held in a bank or in a shoebox somewhere, it ought to be somewhere safe and well-hidden; nosy fathers should not be in a position to find correspondence from Wells Fargo, broke brothers scrounging for change should not be able to find the cash tucked away in an obvious place. Secrecy and security are key here. The goal is not to teach deceptiveness; the goal is to drive home the point that safety and happiness (two of the great promises of the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of Independence) are made easier when one has a room of one’s own, a car of one’s own, a way out of one’s own.
Feminists are often accused of advocating for a white, middle-class version of liberation, one that emphasizes personal sovereignty at the expense of the uplifting of an entire community. That charge is sometimes made in good faith, but it is also made by those who recognize that without women acting out of a sense of guilt and hyper-responsibility, the community’s chances for prosperity and greater inclusion are limited. Women are told, over and over again, to subordinate their personal hopes and wishes to those of the family, the culture, the race; women’s bodies and women’s bank accounts bear the burden of maintaining solidarity. Families matter. Culture matters. But so too does private happiness; not all joy comes from the selfless serving of one’s kith and kin. And while some private happinesses are blessedly free, some aren’t. And for those that aren’t, cold hard cash in one’s own hands is indispensable.
Hugo, it’s hard. As much as I would like women to stand in unison; I don’t see it around me. The ugly, scorned, educated females today are as nasty as they always were.
I read Betty Frieden, and I was not a child of the 60′s. I didn’t smoke pot. Didn’t drink, because I was married and pregnant my senior year of college. All the ’60s unshaved rebel women hated me, ‘cuz I took one of theirs. Mind you, we were only 10 years apart, but still, biatches be nasty. BUT. My DAD taught me to save AND my own money.
LOL. The courts penalize a woman who does. While going through my divorce, zero of Frieden’s readers gave a damn about ‘me’. The message I got was: YOU got your own money,(because I started the business, too) now raise the kids on it yourself!! (Lesson learned, especially in California: Be pretty, nice, and incompetent.) BTW, not from CA. Know lots of them, though. Wished I was, as CA is very court friendly to women.
To this day, I can’t tell you which is better. I know women, in CA and other ‘progressive’ states, who get 5 figure monthly child support checks. NOT FOR ME! I read Betty! I knew how to read the gain/loss statement and file a tax return!!
I’m not bitter. I own the business and I have had more success than I dreamed of, financially. Just saying; it comes with a high price.
Today, I listen to 30 somethings ramble on that ‘their new man’ has to pay child support to a total biatch. Really? How about getting her side before you decide….but, they call me pessimistic when I voice such an ugly opinion.
Is this progress? Again, no child support was paid to me. I never even asked for it; mostly because my Dad taught me to stand on my own. I paid for my children’s college. They are successful. Is that enough?
It was, what it was. I am thankful that my Dad taught me that lesson.
But in a world of money grubbers, unions who demand a larger retirement, etc., it does give me…pause. Was it worth it? There was…the easy way….of child support…alimony….never having to worry about money…..
I haven’t seen the cultural shift. I was, and still am, very, very, pretty. I know it sells. Tell me again why I shouldn’t sell out. My Dad told me, but I’m still not sure the gain is worth the pain.
Just sayin…..
AS a female, it is easy to be:
Ugly, (defined as men don’t gape at you, hit on you, try to ask you out), ugly and smart, (expected), or ugly and stupid. (Again, expected.)
God help you if you are pretty, or beautiful, AND smart. Sanford, Spitzer, Cuomo, Kennedy, Edwards…etc., come to mind. Let’s educate these lovely young women to the life they can expect!! Except…each one gave a piece of her soul. Isn’t it…maybe better…to be stupid? Do a Hillary?
Seriously, Hugo, why does it help? I ask this rhetorically, not trying to bring about an argument. I love the message you send; but worry that the target audience is not there to receive it.
and then there is this premise:
http://wilstar.com/OverCoffee/oc-sex-difference.htm
Really? Men are programmed? If I say that to the mall security guard as he handcuffs me for shoplifting? (Womenz be programmed to wantz shiny diamond stuff, officer! Don’t blame me, blame my genetic makeup!)
Are women programmed to steal? I realize some crazies do…but for the most part…the only reason men use that b.s. line is because….the society we live in is still ruled by men….
I do know my card. I get the ‘women be crazy, can’t balance a checkbook’ card.
Seriously. I was taught checkbook balancing/getting my own in high school. My Dad, born in the Great Depression, sold it to me by the time I was 9. Having my own money didn’t come from a college professor. It shouldn’t be left to you, Hugo. Instead, you should be asking all of your contemporary female friends what the h*** happened that they didn’t teach their daughters…..
You’ve had a generation!
I had to leave home to have a remote chance of going to college–I had to enlist in the military to leave home–both of these because as long as I was at home, my parents took 90% of my paycheck every payday. There was no money left for me to save, either for college or even to move out. (The military is one of the few jobs that will take you broke and penniless.) A lot of people who haven’t experienced that situation really can’t comprehend it at all; you can have a family full of people who mouth the most feminist of platitudes, yet fail to leave you with a single dime to achieve them. It’s interesting that you have noticed this, Hugo–I wonder if college professors with smaller class sizes and a more working-class student population (I’m extrapolating that those are what you have) are in a much better position than most people who aren’t actually in the situation to understand it.
Wow Katy, you don’t like that women don’t ‘stand in unision’ and express that by saying a lot of ugly things about other women?
90% of women who recieve child support have to worry about money a lot and will have a much more difficult time achieving financial security that someone like you, who had the ability to earn a good living. There is nothing easy about it. Not to mention all the women who never get child support.
Virginia Woolf didn’t just say “A room of one’s own”. She said “500 pounds and a room of one’s own”–a pretty handsome amount of money in the 1920s. A woman needing cash is not a new concept at all.
An ex-boyfriend’s family had a cabin in the midwest where families in MN went to get away from it all in the summer and in the winter, men in MN went to get away from the women. In the summer the women spent their “downtime” shopping, cooking, cleaning up after meals and setting about getting the next one ready while the men and children played. In the winter (I’m presuming, since, as a woman, I wasn’t invited) the men unloaded coolers filled with food and beer, produced and procured by the women and proceeded to drink, fish, hunt and tell tall tales. One summer I interrupted a small group of young girls who were playing with dolls and said, “Girls, forget about finding Prince Charming. What you should seek is financial independence. Fiscal security. Monetary maturity. Set yourselves free and go to college. Travel the world.” The little girls looked up at me, ready to talk about this odd concept- what else might there be in the world that was different than what they saw every day? The groups of folks standing around talking went silent, leaving only the distant sound of a lawnmower and the lapping of the lake at the shoreline. Quickly the moms of these little girls scooted their precious charges out of the reach of my voice and crazy ideas and went back to their kitchens to serve.
More of the incredible Schwyerian paradox that men dominate, provide, run the world, and yet somehow laze around while women do all the work. D’oh!
Hey Duh, you’re a derp.
Go die, stupid.
When my cousin turned 18, I gave her a book called “Debt is Slavery: and 9 Other Things I Wish My Dad Had Taught Me About Money.” At the time she was obviously much happier about the $20 bill bookmark than the book, but I really hope she actually read it. I wish someone had given a book like that to ME when I was 18. I can tell you this – my daughter is going to know a hell of a lot more about finances than balancing a checkbook and filling out a 1040EZ form before she leaves my home.