By coincidence, I’ve got two columns up at two different places which touch on two different aspects of the same subject.
At the Good Men Project, where I’m very pleased to announce I am now a “featured columnist”, there’s Red Hot Monogamy.
And at the website for Sir Richard’s Condom Company (where I am to be a more regular writer), here’s We Touch Ourselves: Masturbation, Condoms, and the Justice of Pleasure
Read one after the other, these two pieces might seem contradictory. But they aren’t. We cannot give away what we haven’t got, the wise ones tell us, and before we can merge our sexuality with another, we do well to know passion for ourselves.
In any event, I’m getting ready for my lecture on Kabbalah for Christians tonight in Rio (with another lecture to follow Thursday in Sao Paulo.) I’ve been holed up in a hotel room working today, but have a full day of sightseeing planned for tomorrow, led by two new carioca friends.
Haha, that’s funny Hugo, must be something on the wavelengths today, I’m also working on a piece about male masturbation.
Love it! The GMP post is about male masturbation, while of course my Sir Richard’s post is inclusive of everyone. I’ll look forward to your piece!
Hrm, I’m a bit confused. The way you treat masturbation in these two pieces seems to be at odds.
Although I can grasp that what you probably meant was that “weaning off of masturbation” seemed right for you, as you were grappling with finding your integrity within yourself from a past of chronic infidelity, I’m not sure that it comes off very well that you were speaking in a “your mileage may vary” sense at all. Whereas in the second piece, you write, “Many people were raised to believe that sexual pleasure was only “right†when it came from another person.”
And if your intent was to convey that you feel like masturbation within a monogamous relationship is still drawing off erotic energy away from the monogamous partner and towards something else, in general, then well, that I can’t abide by. Firstly because there’s simply too much variability to make a hard and fast rule– sexual fantasies, masturbation, sex toys, and porn can be useful tools for fulfilling and satisfying sexual experiences, or they can become crutches that simply fuel addictive behavior. Intent is tantamount in making that determination.
I don’t take any issue with someone determining for themselves that a fast from manual gratification, or even a total celibacy fast, partial or long lasting, might be of use to them on their own spiritual and emotional journeys– but I’ll throw the kitchen sink at you if you make it a universal perscription!
*tongueincheek*
I think we need to be very careful, and it would be a grevious error in my opinion, to take the stance that masturbation within monogamous relationships counts as cheating. I think it only further works towards laying the responsibility for our sexual gratification on our partners, and works to further devalue male masturbation as a legitimate means of sexual expression. And, post: http://geekingsexuality.blogspot.com/2011/02/mis-under-representation-of-male.html
*cough* That comment might have gotten a little preachy. Whoops!
Great column.
BTW, I realize you’re probably not the one who selected “American Gothic” to accompany your piece, but whoever did should know that the woman in the painting is the farmer’s spinster daughter, not his wife, as is commonly assumed.