From September 2006.
In last week’s post about "sleeping together", I wrote about taking my high school girlfriend for a weekend away at my family’s place in the country. I mentioned how excited she and I were to get the chance to spend the whole night together in the same bed. I wrote:
Though according to family protocol, the "luggage stays in separate rooms", I was able to sneak into her room and we could fall asleep together.
It’s been nearly twenty-two years, but I can still remember my reaction when I first heard my late and beloved grandmother (the matriarch of the family and the final arbiter of what was Good and Right) use the phrase: "The luggage must stay in separate rooms." It’s a line we in the family often repeat today. When my wife and I were visiting the Ranch for a big family weekend last month, one of my college-aged cousins had his girlfriend up for a visit. They were each put in different rooms, just as my high-school girlfriend and I had been all those years ago. But once again, it was made explicitly clear that this was not a prohibition on either sexual activity or spending the night together. It was merely a nod to social convention, but an important one.
I’ve been involved with many people and many different families. (I’ve not only been married four times, I’ve had four different sets of in-laws.) I’ve had ample opportunity in these marriages and other relationships to see the various views families take on sleeping arrangements for unmarried couples. Basically, I’ve noticed most families fall into one of three categories — and I’ve experienced all three many a time.
1. The most conservative families make sure that the two halves of an unmarried couple not only get put in separate rooms, they make it clear that they are to stay in those rooms all night. For these traditionalists, pre-marital sex (at least in the family home) is absolutely unacceptable. I married into one of those families once. It was very frustrating.
2. The liberal families cheerfully put even teenage unmarried couples in the same room overnight. Shortly before I turned 18, I was able to go away with my girlfriend’s family for the weekend to their cabin on the Russian River. My girlfriend (a high school junior) and I were put in the same room with one double bed. No one batted an eyelash. It was deliciously exciting, but a bit bizarre.
3. Then there’s the OKOP way: put the two young people in separate rooms, but ignore any nocturnal traffic. "Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t patrol the hallways, and make sure your little loving noises don’t wake anyone else!" One of the criticisms often leveled at WASPs of my background is that we are more concerned with the appearance of things than their substance. We care more for propriety than for morality. And I suppose, to some small degree, that’s a fair charge.
But honestly, I like the "luggage in separate rooms" policy best. I was deeply ambivalent, even when I was at my most fervently evangelical, about the mandate to remain chaste until marriage. At the same time, I think that marriage (or domestic partnership) is worthy of special recognition — and one way in which my family conveys that recognition is by not only allowing the couple to share a bed, but allowing their bags to be publicly placed in the same room. In my family, we don’t police the sexual decisions of unmarried older teens or young adults. What’s done behind closed doors, whether by 17 year-olds or 27 year-olds, is none of our business. ("Our Kind of People" don’t ask nosy questions.) But we also want to send a message that there is something unique and special about a publicly-professed commitment. Hence, the third option of "separate rooms for the suitcases if not for their owners" seems best.
Thoughts?
Oh, this brings back memories! When I was in college and began dating the man who is now my husband of 12 years, my parents insisted that we stay in separate rooms at their house. Even though they knew we were sleeping together at college! It was just not permissible under their roof, period. But his parents permitted us to stay together when I visited their house, which was a big deal.
My parents’ policy on that shifted when we’d been dating for a few years and he came home with me to my grandmother’s funeral — maybe it was because the house was full of guests, but I like to think it was because they could see that he was making a real commitment to me. A casual boyfriend wouldn’t schlep 1000 miles for the funeral of an old lady he had barely known, you know?
Oh, this brings back memories! When I was in college and began dating the man who is now my husband of 12 years, my parents insisted that we stay in separate rooms at their house. Even though they knew we were sleeping together at college! It was just not permissible under their roof, period. But his parents permitted us to stay together when I visited their house, which was a big deal.
My parents’ policy on that shifted when we’d been dating for a few years and he came home with me to my grandmother’s funeral — maybe it was because the house was full of guests, but I like to think it was because they could see that he was making a real commitment to me. A casual boyfriend wouldn’t schlep 1000 miles for the funeral of an old lady he had barely known, you know?
How about instead of “putting people” somewhere like they are some objects you just ask them what they prefer. Isn’t that what the rules of hospitality dictate? In my culture, at least, we are expected to ask people what sleeping arrangements they prefer. Then, the hosts are prepared to inconvenience themselves rather than inconvenience the guests.
I also think it’s kind of rude to use your guests to “send messages.”
You know, the first thing that comes to mind reading this is that a ‘luggage in separate rooms’ policy necessitates having multiple spare rooms to put that luggage into in the first place.
The second thing is that I grew up in one of those liberal families where my parents never batted an eyelid if I wanted to have someone stay over, even as an (older!) teenager. Then my first few relationships were with other women where there was a DADT type arrangement- I would stay over, it was obvious that I was the girlfriend, but the word would never be mentioned. The first time I was in a relationship where the separate rooms thing was enforced, I was well into my twenties, and it felt to me like the strangest thing.
Aside from my personal sense of oddness surrounding the idea that people should be expected to stay in different rooms, though, I think that the class/economic element to this is a very important one. Especially if you think that separate rooms for suitcases as the optimal arrangement- is it really, when it’s a luxury available to a minority of people?
Well, just for pragmatic reasons, it is nice for the guest to have his or her own space independent of their related-to-the-family lover in case of a lover’s quarrel or just needing some ‘alone time’.
This, as has been mentioned, presupposes a living space large enough to have these excess rooms.
What value is there in having suitcases in separate rooms and turning a blind eye to where people actually sleep? How far do they have to go to act as if they’re not in the same bed? Do they have to muss the covers in the other bed? Requiring people to act as if they’re not doing what they’re doing sows the seeds of hypocrisy, lies, secrets, and shame. If you truly don’t think that they’re doing anything wrong, why do you feel the need to pretend they’re not doing it.
Committed couples get plenty of recognition, regardless of where their suitcases are. That really sounds to me more like a justification than a reason.
Yeah, that third option doesn’t recognize marriage or domestic partnership is special so much as it denigrates all other relationships. I think forcing people to do that sort of hypocritical posturing is a bit humiliating. When I’ve had to do it I was ok with it because the reason for the charade was so his family would not have to think about their son having the bad, bad unwedded sex, which they knew was happening anyway, but they didn’t want to think about it and they did NOT want to act like it was okay/not shameful. Out of sight, out of mind was an okay compromise in that circumstance, but honestly I don’t think I’d really believe a guy who tried to sell it like you are here, Hugo. “Oh, it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s that marriage is special”? Either that’s masked anxiety about sex or it’s total bullshit to me.
I dunno, seems slightly hypocritical. The luggage doesn’t care.
To me the dividing line seems like it shouldn’t be “married or not” so much as “adult or not.” I think the “luggage in separate rooms” policy works fine for teens–they’re young enough that if they get to go on vacation with an SO at all, it’s a privilege. But for adults–particularly those who live together when not on vacation–it’s really insulting. If adults are in a committed relationship, that should be honored by their hosts. I actually think I find the “conservative” approach less insulting–if you have a problem with the substance of my relationship, then I suppose that’s at least principled. The message “Your relationship is a fine thing, and you can do whatever you want wherever you want, but we’re not going to publicly acknowledge that because it doesn’t *look* proper” is, well, baffling.
I’m curious as to how, if it ever came up, your family’s policy would deal with a gay couple who wasn’t married because it’s wasn’t legally possible for them to be.
The one time when this policy would make a lot of sense would be with a couple who may not be comfortable letting everyone in the family know whether they’re having sex or not. That might be a well-established teenage relationship, or a relatively new adult relationship, but either way it provides a bit of privacy.
I generally think it’s appropriate simply to ask the people involved what would make them most comfortable. That’s pretty much the whole point of hospitality.
I come from one of those intensely conservative families where there would not be so much as a THOUGHT about putting unmarried folks in the same room. Which I think is pretty absurd. Then again, I was unnerved when I went with my boyfriend to stay at a friend’s vacation home, owned by her parents, and the parents put us in the same room without a word.
I do see how the luggage thing is hypocritical, but it is kind of charming — it allows teenagers all the fun of sneaking around, without the real danger. As a teen I snuck around anyway — it was just awful to get caught.