“We’re going to Chicago because of Fukushima”

A student I know well, who is taking his second class with me, called me an hour ago, very apologetic. “I won’t be in class tomorrow”, he said, “and I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Hopefully next week.”

His parents, the young man told me, are panicked about the prospect of radiation from the Fukushima nuclear reactor reaching California, and they’ve decided to go and stay at least through the weekend with family in Illinois. They fly out later today.

My student told me he had begged to stay, and that he knew perfectly well that the danger to the States from the Japanese meltdown is nonexistent. But his parents through a fit, and so he’s going off, hoping to be back by next Tuesday. If I didn’t know him so well, I’d think he was pulling my leg. But I believe he’s telling me the truth about his parents’ paranoia.

I’m hoping he’s the only one.

“Men Run When They Lack the Words to Stay”

A slightly different version of this post first ran in June 2009.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day; she and her boyfriend of several months are “taking a break” from their relationship. He’s in his early thirties, she’s in her late twenties; in different ways, each carries the “baggage” of family, faith, and previous lovers.

The fella — I’ll call him “Gordy” — is a bit overwhelmed by the gal, “Calliope.” Gordy, apparently, does something that I very much remember doing in relationships when I was younger: retreat in the face of intense emotion, particularly in the face of a woman’s anger. Many young — and not-so-young — men feel overwhelmed by what seem to be the superior verbal and emotional skills of female romantic partners. When a man has grown up learning not to display feelings, or to talk about them, he may end up feeling a bit as if he’s a first-year French student suddenly plunged into a conversation with fluent native speakers. He hasn’t got — or he feels he hasn’t got — the vocabulary with which to keep up. This isn’t because of testosterone, of course, or some inherent aspect of the human brain; it’s the hangover from growing up with the “guy code”. And the guy code, followed rigidly, leads to a kind of learned emotional helplessness.

I’ve been over this ground before in the three posts in the male transformation series. The three posts from the autumn of 2007 explain aspects of the problem — and the solution — in considerably more detail. But what I want to focus on today is Gordy’s need to “take a break” from the relationship, and the reasons that seem to undergird it. It’s entirely possible, of course, that “wanting a break” is code for “I really am tired of this relationship, and want to get out for good, but lack the courage to say so directly.” But from what I can tell, there’s something else at work. Gordy doesn’t want out; he has fallen in love with Calliope and wants to be with her. He also finds her — the complete package of Calliope-ness — to be more than a little overwhelming. He’s not calling an end so much as he seems to be calling for a time-out.

Let me say again (though my MRA critics don’t hear this) that I don’t think women are always blameless when heterosexual relationships go south. Women have their own lessons to learn — and in the case of sexist acculturation, it might be more apt to say that they have their own lessons to unlearn. But I write much more often about what men can and ought to do because, well, I’m a man. I’ve lived nearly 44 years in a male body, and while I don’t pretend to be a professional relationship expert, I’ve lived a bit — and thought a lot — about the ways in which culturally constructed masculinity undermines our collective happiness and our ability to function intimately with other human beings. And so I focus more on what men can do, respecting the reality that women have had plenty of experience being told how to behave by the males in their lives. Continue reading

Better than I was: in defense of seniority rights for teachers

It’s a month of anniversaries for me. Thirty years ago this March, I was kicked out of prep school, launching an adolescent rebellion that would continue on and off for years. 25 years ago this month, my career as a sex educator began when I started training with Berkeley’s Peer Sexuality Outreach. And twenty years ago, with the beginning of the spring quarter at UCLA, I began my teaching career as a Graduate Student Instructor in the Classics department.

GSIs (or TAs, as they were still known then) often lectured in discussion sections. I remember being so nervous before my first lecture (I was not quite 24) that I threw up in the Bunche Hall men’s room before meeting my students. Most were only two or three years my junior. I was excited and terrified, but knew after the first week of teaching that this was the life I wanted.

Two decades later, I’m still teaching. And though I don’t get as nervous as I did in 1991, I still get butterflies from time to time. More to the point, however, I’m an infinitely better teacher than I was back then. And that brings me to my point.

In the current political climate, it’s become fashionable to attack public employees — teachers in particular. Conservatives who have never been enamored of public education hope to take advantage of a weak economy to strip teachers of their pensions, bargaining rights, tenure, and other job protections. These attacks are odious and indefensible, motivated less by concern with fiscal rectitude or the well-being of young people and more by a desire to destroy the progressive public service unions.

One bit of this emerging conservative conventional wisdom drives me nuts: the idea that teachers are at their best when they are new. Complaining about seniority rules that follow the tradition of “last hired, first fired”, education “reformers” often describe older instructors as “dead wood” and the newest and most vulnerable teachers as the ones who do the most valuable work. Even some ostensibly progressive voices agree, arguing that too many senior faculty have “given up”, while the young (and less well-paid) are the ones who are still engaged.

In what other profession do we express such open contempt for experience? Do people board airplanes, saying “Gosh, I really hope our captain and first officer are new at this — enthusiastic young pilots are the kind I trust most!” Do people go to hospitals, asking “Could you please have a resident operate on my child? I’m worried that an older and more experienced surgeon won’t do the job right.” Of course not. In every other profession, experience is valued. In every other profession, seniority is seen not just as a perk for sticking around but as a resource for the entire community.

I am still an enthusiastic professor. I’ve taught 15,000 students (at the least) since I faced that first class twenty years ago this month. Last fall, my in-class teaching evaluations were higher than they’d ever been before. Even as I’ve given the same lectures over and over again — about Cicero and clitorises, about Gilgamesh and intersectionality, about the Pauline epistles and Betty Friedan — I’ve found ways to change and refine what I say. I know I’d shudder if I heard one of my early lectures now, simply because I’ve gotten so much better at the job of delivering a good talk.

Of course, there’s more to teaching than lecturing. I am more compassionate, more patient, and much quicker to recognize when a student is struggling. (I’m also much more ethical — my infamous and inexcusable sexual relationships with students all happened early on in my career.) I can discern the difference between the lack of motivation and the presence of a genuine learning disability in a way I simply couldn’t years ago. Experience has given me these tools. And if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that no amount of youthful energy can compensate for the benefit of accumulated wisdom.

I make more money now. My first year as a TA, I was paid $1050 a month. My first year as a full-time prof at Pasadena City College, I made $27,000. I have a base salary of approximately three times that now. (Finishing my doctorate in 1999 boosted my compensation nicely.) Am I worth the salary and the benefits? I don’t know, but I do know I’m worth more than I was when I started. And judging by my colleagues whose work I know well, the same is true for them as well. As with every true calling, as with every profession, experience matters for those of us who sweat and strut in the classrooms.

It’s time we push back against the attempt to de-legitimize our profession, and to dismiss the very real benefits of seniority.

More on erectile dysfunction and MRAs

In what I do expect will be my last post on erections for a long while, here’s my piece on Erectile Dysfunction and Sexual Connection at the Good Men Project.

Excerpt:

before we pop the little blue pill to make ourselves hard, we need to question what’s so “dysfunctional” about not being able to perform on command. We need to question our obsession with heterosexual intercourse, and broaden our understanding of what sex can be. We need to let go of the need to be hard and in control all the time.

Sex is not an athletic competition. We are participants in the creation of mutual pleasure, not solitary performers on a track or in a ring. And for a lot of us, the only way to really learn that lesson is to lose the one thing we were taught was indispensable.

And a great two-part response at Fannie’s Room to our Good Men Project MRA series. Here’s part one and part two.

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Sex work and the classroom: double standards abound

Anna North has this story in Jezebel: Female Professor Fired For Burlesque Performance. See more at Inside Higher Ed.

Only the latest in a string of cases in which women have been fired from teaching positions as a result of legal off-campus sex-work, I find this story and others like it to be disheartening and maddening. Though it was a different era, the mid 1990s were not eons ago — and I was notorious on this campus as the young, untenured prof who was sleeping with a great many of his students. And as I’ve written, the administration looked the other way — as long as the women involved didn’t complain, I was golden. I slept with students while traveling to conferences on the college dime, and the most the vice-president for human resources could say when that story was “Hugo, you’re quite the rascal!”

Not that I have any intention of finding out, but I’m not sure that things have shifted all that much in the past decade and a half. But while administrators might still look the other way when exuberantly irresponsible male academics sow their proverbial oats, they are still unable to grasp the reality that a woman can be an erotic performer off-campus and still maintain her intellectual gravitas in the classroom. In 2011, that’s infuriating and shameful.

Monday link love

Swamped with work today, so offering some links instead of an original post.

At American Prospect, Lindsay Beyerstein on James O’Keefe and Journalistic Malpractice

At Good Men Project, Thaddeus Blanchette suggests my analysis of masculinity employs “a bastardized Marxist model of social conflict and power.”

Sarah Seltzer writes about the new Red Riding Hood movie and feminist interpretations of fairy tales. I always think of Anne Sexton when that subject comes up, especially this poem.

And the indispensable Figleaf on The Two Rules of Desire and “Girls Suck at Math”

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More on tragedy and powerlessness and teaching sexual justice

From Madison to Ras Lanuf to Itamar, from Japan to Côte d’Ivoire, it has been a heartbreaking week.

I’ve sent money and prayers. I’ve hugged my daughter just a bit tighter. And I’ve reminded myself that in this confusing and turbulent time, advocating for gender justice is not an extravagance or an indulgent irrelevance. As I wrote on Wednesday, I believe that addressing issues of sexual desire and shame, of body image and perfectionism, is all a small but vital component of justice work. The most effective agents of change are not those who are haunted by personal demons and are longing for a distraction — the most effective agents of healing in the world are those whose inner wounds have been healed. It is not bourgeous narcissism to say we must go inward before we go outward; rather, that process of self-discovery is an indispensable stage on the journey to becoming someone with the courage and capacity to heal not only one’s own community but to respond proactively to the kind of human and animal global suffering that seems so particularly acute this week.

After I wrote that post on Wednesday, I thought about what I’d written, second-guessing myself. Was I just giving comforting pablum to gender studies majors? Was this just solipsistic self-justification? There was a time, in my much younger years, when I would have been paralysed by that kind of anxiety, and been prone perhaps to a brief (or extended) bout of depression. The difference between 43 and 26 (which was how old I was when I started teaching full-time) is that I’ve been given the gift of certainty. I know the work I do matters, not because it’s me doing it, but because I’ve seen how this work can transform lives.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments where I feel powerless in the face of the especially awesome scale of destruction and pain and disappointment we’ve seen this week. But it does mean I channel that pain into working harder at what I know how to do.

I’m looking forward to the classroom tomorrow.

Japan

I’ve donated today to Episcopal Relief and Development in response to the devastating quake and tsunami in Japan. We’re four miles inland here in West Los Angeles, safe from anything short of the greatest tsunami on record. But my mother, in my aptly named hometown of Carmel by-the-Sea, received a “reverse 911″ automated call at 6:00AM today. She was jarred out of a deep sleep by a tsunami warning issued to all coastal residents in Carmel and Pebble Beach. My childhood home is just 400 meters from the high tide line, but up a fairly steep embankment. Still, my mother thought it best to stay away from the water.

Local news reports suggest damage as far south as Morro Bay in San Luis Obispo county, and genuine devastation in harbor areas near the Oregon border, particularly in the grittily picturesque Crescent City. Praying for Japan, but concerned too for the beaches and low-lying areas of my home state.

If you don’t want to donate to ERD, feel free to check out this piece at the Huffington Post. Lots of links to other good outfits doing great work on the ground.

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The Indispensable Penis: Louisa’s story

The topic of virginity came up again in my women’s history class yesterday, and I referenced this old story. This post originally appeared in December 2008. Scroll to the end for the post-script.

One of my former youth group kids came to talk to me last week after reading last week’s post about sexual identity. Louisa, 19 years old, has been out as a lesbian since she was in ninth grade, and has been with her girlfriend for two years now.

Louisa is in love with her gal. But lately, she finds herself questioning her self-identification as a lesbian. Though she describes having always hated the label bisexual for what she saw as its wishy-washiness, she talked about her growing curiosity about what it would be like to be (sexually, if not romantically) with a man. Louisa has never done more than simple kissing with a guy, and she finds herself wondering whether she ought to “try something” with a man just to find out what it’s like. She admits she’s been driving her girlfriend crazy with this hemming and hawing about having an experience with a fellow. But her curiosity, more so than her libido (though she’s savvy enough to know that those two are often enmeshed) is causing her to be, in her words, “mildly obsessed” with knowing what it’s like to be sexual with a man.

Louisa has taken my gay and lesbian studies class. She has read her Adrienne Rich; she knows about the reality (not just the theory) of growing up in a culture of “compulsory heterosexuality.” And she knows very well that if she were with a man, she might feel far less psychological pressure to experiment with a woman. “We don’t make straight women prove their straightness by having sex with girls”, Louisa said, “so why do I feel so compelled to prove I’m lesbian by trying something with a guy? It’s like I feel I have to earn my queer credentials.”

Louisa, who has known me since she was 13, wanted one thing from our conversation last week, and it’s something I don’t know if I was able to give to her. She wanted help discerning whether this fascination with having sex with a man (specifically, losing her heterosexual virginity) was something rooted in her own psyche or whether it was a response to the dominant cultural narrative. I pointed out the obvious — that for most, those two things (natural or inherent longings on the one hand and the socially-conditioned ones on the other) are incredibly difficult to separate. A lot of us spend a great deal of time working through this process of discernment; it’s one of the toughest tasks of young adulthood, and not a task everyone succeeds in completing. But the fact that it’s difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Clearly, most of us believe that our internal bundle of desires has innate and cultural-constructed elements. For example, we might say that for someone like Louisa, an attraction to women is largely innate while her attraction to partners who have dark eyes and like anime is largely conditioned. Continue reading