This past Sunday, the world’s first “Slut Walk” took place on the chilly streets of Toronto, Canada. The official site is here. The march was organized in response to the infuriating remarks of a police constable, who told a safety workshop at a Canadian university that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.” (The officer has apologized, but it’s evident that his trogolodytic view of sex and responsibility remains widely held.)
I’ve written many times in support of women’s right to wear what they want in public without fear of harassment or harm. This includes both revealing and concealing clothing; I’ve written in favor of the right to go topless in public and in opposition to bans on headscarves and burqas.
There are so many things that trouble me about the obsession with regulating women’s bodies. But as a man, I am particularly exasperated at the assumption that lies beneath the insistence on modesty: the myth that men cannot control themselves. As feminists often point out, the real “man-haters” are those who promote modest dress for women out of the belief that men lack self-control. There is nothing more contemptuous than the suggestion that those of us with penises and Y chromosomes are prisoners of our biology, liable to rape or commit infidelity at the first sign of cleavage. The myth of male weakness sells us woefully, heartbreakingly short.
I honor SlutWalk for many reasons. But I appreciate one assumption that the organizers made in particular. Though what constitutes “slutty” clothing is obviously open to debate, SlutWalkers believe in men’s capacity to do two things at once: be aroused by what we see while honoring the humanity of the woman whose body attracts our eye. The most pernicious of all lies about men is that because of our make-up, lust and empathy can’t coexist within us. If you want kind and compassionate men who will respect women’s boundaries, the myth suggests, those women will have to conceal the parts of themselves that will turn men bestial and irresponsible.
We present women with a brutal binary: hide your sexuality and be respected; show your sexuality and be slut-shamed, harassed, or worse. But if ever there were a false dichotomy, rooted in ignorance about male identity, male biology, and male potential, this is it. While none of us want to live in a culture where women are compelled to display those parts of themselves they’d like to keep private, none of us should settle for living in a society where women are compelled to conceal those parts of themselves they’d occasionally like to display.
Men rape and harass not because of biological imperative but because of cultural permission. To paraphrase George W. Bush, we treat men with the “soft bigotry of low expectations.” Of course, the real price for those low expectations is paid by women, who become responsible for managing and redirecting what we refuse to expect men to manage for themselves.
As a feminist, as a man, and as a father to a daughter, I stand with the “sluts of Toronto” – and with women everywhere who demand the right to be treated with decency regardless of their attire.
Amen, amen, and amen. That idea of “men can’t control themselves so women have to pick up the slack” is what bothers me about some Christian thoughts, too. It makes sense to me that if a woman is not displaying all her sexual parts, it makes it easier on men, especially if they’re men who are trying to avoid sex until a certain time. But guys, you aren’t going to be able to avoid “temptation” at all. Ever. So it’s kind of unfair to ask us as a gender to make our choices about our clothing based on what is easier for you. It’s going to be hard. Get some self-control and man up.
Great read. Thank you for pointing out the “real ‘man-haters’” because you’re right – ‘don’t dress like a slut’ discourse insists that men are lustful and out of control. How can we hope to move from sexism without debunking this essentialist claim? As an activist in the Slutwalk Ottawa campaign, I’m facing disappointing backlash from both women and men, so it’s nice to feel the gender solidarity in this post (from across the continent!).
Amanda, I agree the backlash has been disappointing — even from fellow feminists who still can’t distinguish the empowering display of sexuality from sexualizaation. Good luck with Ottawa!
Thanks for a wonderful article. And add to the following: “We present women with a brutal binary: hide your sexuality and be respected; show your sexuality and be slut-shamed, harassed, or worse”, but if you don’t dress to show your sexuality you will be assumed to be a lesbian and will still be harassed, just for a different reason.
How awful, Amanda. Things really have changed since Jim Flaherty and the boys took over the province in ’95, and then the country 10 years later.
I missed the Toronto walk, unfortunately. It’s good to hear that there will be another one. Ottawa’s a bit of a hike, but it might still be doable for me.
Could you send us a link with info on where and when?
Well this is a noble sentiment Hugo, but since there is no severe and consistent punishment for men harassing women — just look at the recent report from Yale about a hostile work environment, or the blaming of the 11 year old girl for inciting 20 men and boys to rape and torture the girl in Cleveland, TX.
Since there is no quick and easy punishment should any man get out of hand, I believe the best solution for me is to have my battle armor on, and to have male free places where I can relax and socialize and drink without fear of some male ruining a good time with my women friends. I rarely if ever socialize with men anymore, because I just wrote them off. And I suggest women create more and more places where we can just be left alone, and you guys then can work to clean up the act of the male species 24/7. I’m not holding my breath on this.
When you read about what male students have done at Yale, what they continue to do on college campuses all the time, I believe the real breakthrough would be for men to police other men socially, and make it so wrong for any man to ever objectify a woman, that it would be like smoking in public these days. This is for male only groups to do obviously. So I am sure Hugo that you make it almost impossible for any bad comments or behavior to occur with your male friends.
I have actually never heard men police other men who have offended me or my other women friends. Not once. But I sure go to war should any man bugs me. No male allies in sight, no outrage at sexist jokes, no other males getting outraged at any comments about women. HMMM, wonder where all those so-called male feminists really are?
Amanda M, men who DON’T want to fuck me will sometimes step in when they see me getting harassed. A really great American Studies prof (who I won’t identify because he went to Berkeley around the same time as Hugo and I’m not so sure how small this world really is)just offered to help me with some unfairness my campus police dumped on me last year.
I see kind male strangers step in occasionally when other men are acting like idiots. Granted, those incidents are outnumbered about 50 to one by classic bystander apathy situations, but it’s a start. Men who act that way in other public places where I am usually get tossed out by the management too.
Enjoy your women only hangouts. I live and fight in the REAL world. No amount of self defeating rhetoric or separatist fantasizing will change that. We change the status quo by teaching men, with words first, but also with fists and blunt weapons if self-defense is required, that we won’t tolerate abuse. Equal, not separate.
And here is how the situation at Yale is being addressed. It’s a work in progress, but it looks to me like progress will be made:
http://yaleherald.com/topstory/breaking-news-yale-students-file-title-ix-suit-against-school
Read the comments on the Yale Herald page, too. If you’re looking for male feminists, commenter James strikes me as a good candidate.
Would you like some more links to male feminists who are actively working for change?
I greatly enjoyed reading your blog. It is refreshing to see this well-articulated point, especially from the opposite sex. I am beginning to realize the farther repercussions of modern society’s values, so I thank you for sharing this. =]
“I am particularly exasperated at the assumption that lies beneath the insistence on modesty: the myth that men cannot control themselves.”
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I need clarification here. Is the goal of this statement to removed the idea of sexually modest attire? IE: A low cut businesses suit and super short businesses skirt is okay attire at the job? I find that women can be equally offended by attire worn by other women(and men). Hugo “seems” to imply that is also only because of tMoMW. I have doubts, but in the end ,regardless of who is doing it, we are restricting attire. If modesty in its entirety is built on tMoMW then we no longer have a reason for restring the shape and lengths of traditional attire or wearing the belts that go with it. I know women who don’t want to see butt crack regardless of if its Joe the plumber or Kim Kardashian as they think its gross.
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I am 100% behind ending the idea of a “slut.” The definition can be removed from the dictionary as it implies open female sexuality is immoral. I not 100% on the idea of ending modesty. I am understanding, but I am not clear on this idea. Perhaps you mean only to imply we should change what is considered modesty in particular cases?
Bobby, where workplaces have good reason to require a certain standard (and they apply it equally to male and female employees) that’s not a problem. I’m talking about people moving in public spaces — students in a classroom, pedestrians on a street, commuters on a train. In those spaces, the insistence on modesty is an unacceptable concession to the myth of male weakness.
Amanda M.
Please keep in mind that as a man I have met “Gold Digging” (for lack of a better term) women, including several that admit their behavior openly. I can assure you that virtually all men have had similar experiences, and they are disheartening (to say the least).
This has not kept me from writing off women entirely because I keep an open mind and do not extrapolate the behavior of women at large from the beliefs and mindset of a few.
I sincerely hope that when your current wounds heal you will begin to do the same thing with respect to men.
The false notion that men can *either* see a woman’s sexuality *or* view her as a fellow human being worthy of respect, but never both at once, also contains at its core the assumption that women’s sexuality itself can never, ever be accepted as a respectable part of being human. Just as a man’s sexuality can never be anything but a weapon, a woman’s sexuality can never be anything but a shameful secret. And, as a bisexual woman who likes to dress modestly while also (respectfully) lusting after the bodies of other, less modestly-dressed women, I apparently don’t even exist.
Thanks for this post and thanks for your solidarity with Slutwalk. Nothing warms my slutty little heart like an outspoken feminist man.
thanks, lsr — I’ve been referred to your site many times, and you do awesome stuff. Thanks too for the reminder of the way we render certain people invisible. There is indeed no greater enemy than shame.
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Thanks for the link to the Yale case, and interesting that plargarism gets a male expelled but not rape. Again, I just don’t socialize with men unless I absolutely have to, and hope to some day move to a women’s country. I don’t believe men will change, and I want a country for women.
Interesting that you chose that example, Bobby. Because the women you know aren’t saying “Guys, cover up your asses or we women just won’t be able to keep from grabbing them”. There’s a difference between criticizing body display period as unprofessional or inappropriate in given circumstances, and criticizing women’s body display on the grounds that men, who are animals, won’t be able to behave appropriately around them.
Bobby,
I believe you have neatly evaded the point. In no way does Mr. Schwyzer reject modest dress. He *does* reject the idea that women and only women must dress modestly because if they did not we would all drown in ejaculate. I detest the idea that men are incapable of self-control, especially as I know several men who can and do control themselves and are clearly not some kind of weird mutation. I bitterly resent that somehow I am to control the actions of half the population of earth.
I am also sick to death of calling any woman who bucks the very restrictive norms a “slut”.
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