Dude, don’t neg

Today’s column is up at the Good Men Project: Dude, Don’t ‘Neg’. It looks at “negging”, a much-vaunted technique used by game players and PUAs (pick-up artists.) Excerpt:

If there’s one technique in the pick-up artist (PUA) repertoire about which I hear more often than anything else, it’s “negging.” The urban dictionary helpfully defines negging as “the offering of low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.” The idea is simple: women, particularly beautiful ones, are so accustomed to compliments that they’ve grown immune to their power. But make a “hot” woman think you don’t think she’s all that, and she’ll be eating out of your hand. Or so the peddlers of seduction wisdom would have their customers believe.

Though I’m suspicious of most of what the professional PUAs are selling, I do appreciate that they’re meeting a very real need. We live in a culture where heterosexual men are still frequently expected to be the initiators, to make the first move. For many men who lack the requisite self-confidence and self-esteem to approach a woman in a way that won’t annoy or unnerve her, the PUAs teach valuable techniques. Some of those techniques are solid common sense; others are soaked in misogyny. Some men who pay significant sums to be coached in “game” are happy with the results, some aren’t. But almost all are, at one point or another, taught to “neg.”

The problem with negging (whether it’s done as part of formal PUA technique or not) is that it’s rooted in men’s suspicion that too many women think too highly of themselves. Listen to PUAs and Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs), and you’ll hear a familiar litany: most women expect too much. Blame romance novels or television shows, pop psychology or feminism (the MRAs are especially fond of pinning all their woes on the last of these), but 21st century American women are too demanding—or so these lads claim. They want hot bods and fat wallets and empathy, like some perfect fusion of Johnny Depp, Mark Zuckerberg, and Dr. Drew.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

Daughters Make Their Daddies More Liberal

This post is two years old, but if anything, I’ve grown more resolute in my liberal politics as a result of being a father to my darling, independent, assertive toddler Heloise.

There’s been a lot of research done over the years on the impact that becoming a parent has on one’s political preference. The common wisdom has generally been that becoming a parent, particularly to a daughter or daughters, would push that parent rightward in his or her politics. Indeed, back in my own youth, I heard some variation on this line from several sources: “What’s the definition of a conservative? A former liberal with a teenage daughter.” It “sounded” right, and not being a parent (but being quite left-wing), I was prepared, however reluctantly, to believe it might be so.

My student Hilary sends me a link, however, to this post at the wonderful FiveThirtyEight: Having Daughters Rather than Sons Makes You More Liberal. 538 provides a link to a PDF file of a forthcoming paper which summarizes a number of recent studies, all of which indicate that the presence of daughters in father’s lives (more so than in mother’s) tends to move men leftwards. This trend is true in both the UK and the USA (the two nations studied), and true both for ordinary voters as well as for politicians. For example, the study cites the work of economist Ebonya Washington:

By collecting data on the voting records of US congressmen, Washington… provides persuasive evidence that congressmen with female children tend to vote liberally on reproductive rights issues such as teen access to contraceptives. (She also) argues for a wider result, namely, that the congressmen vote more liberally on a range of issues such as working families flexibility and tax-free education. Her data — compiled partly but not wholly from voting record scores compiled by the three interest groups of the National Organization of Women, the American Association of University Women, and the National Right to Life Coalition — cover a cross-section of 828 members of four congresses of the US House of Representatives for the years 1997 to 2004. As her
final sentence puts it:

“Not only should we consider the influence that parents have on
children’s behavior, but we should acknowledge that influence may flow from child to parent.

Read the whole study, the comments at 538, and check out the fun graphs and charts. A statistician’s delight!

I argued in March that “strong public institutions which offer alternatives to traditional family structures and allow for maximum personal autonomy and responsible self-expression are a key way to promote a feminist vision on a macro-economic level.” That was and is my view, but it’s interesting to see that having daughters seems to lead other men (politicians and ordinary voters alike) towards that same position. It’s not the case that those who have girls are automatically more liberal; it’s difficult to argue that on most issues, Dick Cheney was somehow made more progressive by having two daughters and no sons! One shudders to think how much more extreme he might have been had he had “Larry” and “Mark” instead of Liz and Mary. (It’s worth noting that his nuanced and moderate position on gay marriage, rare for a right-wing Republican, was certainly influenced by having a lesbian daughter.) Continue reading

Beauty, effortlesssness, guilt and vanity

My regular Thursday column at Healthy is the New Skinny is up: Guilt & Vanity. Excerpt:

Our culture raises girls with two totally contradictory messages.

On the one hand, young women learn very early that prettiness matters. Long before most girls hit puberty, they’ve learned that “cute” gets rewarded with attention and validation. No matter how reassuring well-meaning parents and teachers try and be with the message that “beauty is on the inside”, girls figure out that what’s on the outside really seems to count for a lot.

At the same time, girls are taught not to focus too heavily on themselves, or at least not to let it slip that they care very deeply about their looks. “She’s so vain”, or “She thinks she’s all that” are common accusations in school hallways (and, apparently, on the staircases at my college). Make it too obvious that you worry about your appearance, and someone will accuse you of being “shallow”. Sometimes, no one else needs to accuse you. When you find yourself obsessing on some aspect of your body (your hair, your weight, your skin, etc), you may beat yourself up not only for your imperfections but for caring so desperately about them….

“Hey, Shorty!” A new resource for combating harassment

One of the most welcome contemporary trends is the sudden interest in resources to combat sexual harassment. The global SlutWalk and Hollaback movements have brought unprecedented attention to the problem, as has Holly Kearl’s wonderful recent book Stop Street Harassment. Without question.we’re seeing a new level of commitment in the struggle to create safe public spaces for women.

One particularly exciting new resource comes from Girls for Gender Equity. GGE and Feminist Press have released Hey Shorty! A Guide to Combating Sexual Harassment in Schools and on the Street. This brief, accessible, inexpensive book (and accompanying documentary film) focuses on the epidemic of sexualized harassment and violence in the New York City public school system, but its message and lessons are applicable worldwide. Hey, Shorty! tells the story of a decade-long struggle to develop programming to keep girls and women safe — programming often initiated and implemented by high school students.

Hey, Shorty documents the ubiquity and scale of sexualized harassment — and the toll it takes on young women’s lives. It’s an important reminder not only that words matter, but that solving the problem of harassment is inextricably tied up with the larger campaign to transform women’s relationship with their bodies.

The same media that foists upon us unrealistic and unattainable images of physical perfection also normalizes the sexualization of the young and the vulnerable. Women’s bodies become public property for comment, for desire, for rape and assault. We cannot hope to address the epidemic of eating disorders and body dysmorphia without also working to stop the verbal and physical harassment of women in public spaces.

Hey, Shorty! is a crucial warning about how daunting the challenge is — and a much-needed source of inspiration for how best to respond.

Thursday Short Poem: Barenblat’s “Either/Or”

I’m a big fan of Rachel Barenblat, the Velveteen Rabbi. In February, I had a piece up from her 70 Faces: Torah Poems. (You can buy it through the publisher or through Amazon). The poems are tied to the weekly parashot (Torah readings) from the five books of Moses: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

I’m a week late with this one; in the Torah cycle, we’re just starting Numbers this week and the poem below is tied to the last parasha from Leviticus. But it’s one of my favorites, so here it is.

Either/Or (Bechukotai)

If you will follow my laws,
and obey my commandments
I will grant you rain in its season
you will eat your fill
I will live in your midst

I will untie your tangles
Where there is rye bread
there will always be pastrami.
You and your mother will remain
on good terms, no matter what.

But if you do not obey
if you break my laws and spurn my rules
if you break my covenant
I will set my face against you
I will shatter your glory.

I will leave your boat becalmed.
You will never find
a good parking place again.
You will poison the skies
and your fields will not feed you.

I can be infinitely more hostile
than you, but I won’t be.
In the end you’ll realize
I was here all along,
waiting for you.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged

Strong is Beautiful: a note on the WTA campaign

A few people have written me about the Women’s Tennis Association Strong is Beautiful campaign. Featuring stylized action images of a variety of current and rising tennis stars, the Strong is Beautiful initiative both reinforces and challenges our stereotypes about women’s bodies.

On the one hand, these are athletes photographed in motion, doing what they do best, often drenched in sweat with faces fixed in concentration. These are powerful women; there isn’t a passive pose to be found. On the other hand, the players chosen are perhaps less than fully representative of the upper echelons of the WTA. The Williams sisters are conspicuous by their absence, and the Strong is Beautiful campaign seems heavy on long-limbed, high cheek-boned Eastern Europeans. (Then again, the Russian invasion of women’s tennis shows no sign of losing steam. This may not be as unrepresentative a group as first appears.)

In a post on Monday, Jeff at Feminist Allies admits to some ambivalence about the ads.

All of (this) could be a small step in the right direction. There is a stereotyped idea of what a beautiful woman should be, and “strong” isn’t the first thing that comes to mind–wouldn’t it be cool if we lived in a world where “strong woman” and “beautiful woman” were more intertwined conceptually? And yet: Why the emphasis on beauty at all?

The answer, of course, is that beauty matters. While culture shapes what it is we find beautiful, the fascination with beauty (in all sexes) is a human universal — there is no civilization that hasn’t valued physical appearance in one way or another. Telling young women not to care about their appearance (and suggesting that if they do, they are either “shallow” or “victims of a misogynistic cultural discourse”) isn’t helpful. Rather, we should be working to expand the spectrum of what is considered beautiful while making sure that beauty, for all its importance, is joined by other equally important priorities in young women’s lives.

Jeff briefly mentions my work with Healthy is the New Skinny and Natural Models LA. (Thanks, Jeff!) He’s right about what we’re trying to do, which is to create a more diverse understanding of beauty. That means producing new images and new sources of inspiration. It means rejecting the suggestion that the search for beauty is invariably a source of misery in women’s lives. The misery, we argue is linked not to the longing to be beautiful itself but to the particularly unattainable ideal that dominates our culture.

Obviously, being a world-class tennis player is also an unattainable ideal. But the glamorizing of strength, the celebration of sweat that has nothing particular to do with sex — that’s tangible progress. These were not images we had a generation ago. And it is an unmistakably good thing that we (and the young women we love) have them now.

I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe: on guys and SlutWalk

Eleven days out from SlutWalk LA, my weekly column at Good Men Project looks at why men should join the movement.

Excerpt:

When I was first publicly identified as an organizer of SlutWalk LA, someone sent me a tweet asking how I’d feel if my daughter turned out to be “a slut.” It’s not as offensive a question as it sounds. It was a reminder to me as a dad that I shouldn’t advocate for others what I wouldn’t want for my own child.

What I replied (in more than one 140 character tweet) was that my daughter was foremost in my mind when I committed to the SlutWalk campaign. I want a world where she is free to grow into a woman’s body without fear of being raped. I want her to have the freedom to express her sexuality safely and joyfully in whatever way she chooses, whenever she’s ready (and not a moment before). And I want her to grow up without shame about her own wanting and about her wanting to be wanted.

I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe, responsible, reliable. We don’t have that world yet, of course. But the reason has nothing to do with biology: it has to do with our crushingly low expectations of men’s capacity to reconcile lust and humanity. In order for our daughters and little sisters and nieces to be safer, we must demand better of ourselves as men. And one way to start is to challenge the very roots of our thinking about sex, desire, and respect. That challenge is part of what SlutWalk is all about.

Unsexed by Eirasexuality

In a comment below this post on monogamy, Douglas took issue with my decision to identify as “Eira-sexual”, suggesting that it reflected a troubling insularity as well as heterosexual privilege. Gay and lesbian identity, he argued, is built on a sense of same-sex desire — and thus gay and lesbian community requires that desire have a public dimension. It’s an interesting point, one I hadn’t considered.

My “Eirasexuality” (the term comes from my wife’s name) privileges me personally. I wear a physical as well as a spiritual wedding band that others can both see and sense. My public commitment to one person, backed up by my private behavior, means that I’m perceived as more trustworthy by students, mentees, and colleagues. My motives are second-guessed as it is, of course. But my Eirasexuality unsexes me for everyone else, allowing me to appear safer, less potentially predatory.

If I were single, or in an open marriage, I don’t think I could teach or write about sexuality as effectively as I do in the way that I do with the credibility that I have. Whatever other agenda I have for doing the work I do, most people can quickly figure out I’m not working in this field in order to get laid. I’d like to think I could still establish a sense of safety even if I were single. But I think the task would be more difficult.

In a post a year ago called “Male feminists are mostly gay”: more on myths of lust and humanity I pointed out that we often assume gay men are more empathetic towards women because they aren’t blinded by sexual desire. It’s the old myth of the incompatibility of lust and empathy. Pushing back against that lie, I noted the need for “straight male feminists” to live out both their feminism and their heterosexuality in public. What I neglected to acknowledge is that my “available” brothers may have a harder time being trusted when they do that than I do.

Blood, gratitude, and “you are my sunshine”: my day with my daughter

I’ve been sick much of this week, and needed to cancel both yesterday’s and today’s classes due to flu. I’ve also been editing the final galleys of Beauty, Disrupted, working on promotion for SlutWalk LA, and a host of other things.

I was still in bed this morning, fighting the chills, when I heard my daughter scream. Eira is out of town on business, and as I was sick, my mother-in-law (who lives with us) was getting Heloise ready for school. Part of her morning routine includes getting a little dab of perfume on each cheek, a ritual her Colombian abuela never misses. Somehow, however, the bottle of perfume had cracked — and my mother-in-law accidentally lacerated Heloise’s cheek and jaw. The howls of anguish were immediate, the blood was profuse, and in the space of about forty seconds, I was healed of the last vestiges of the flu.

The bleeding stopped quickly, but taking no chances, my mother-in-law and I bundled Heloise into the car and raced off to our pediatrician. Dr. Gordon is in Santa Monica, and it was rush hour, so the trip took nearly 45 minutes. When we got there, my girl shrank in my arms (she is no fan of doctor’s visits, even with the gentlest MD in town). I had hoped that Jay would look at her, give her a bandaid and a pat and send us home. But his jovial face took on a flash of concern when he saw the cuts. “It’s not serious”, he said, “but it may need stitches. And because it’s on the face, I’m sending you to a plastic surgeon.” Continue reading

SlutWalk LA Press Release

Though I’ve been fighting the flu, I made it out of the house last night to the first organizing meeting for SlutWalk LA. As the worldwide phenomenon continues to generate important discussion around rape, sexual agency, privilege and violence, we’re proud to be hosting our very own SlutWalk on June 4 in West Hollywood. Here’s our press release, written by Alixandria Lopez with the rest of our steering committee.

Note: the decision was made collectively: we are working to reclaim the word “slut.”

Confirmed speakers include Morgane Richardson, Alana Evans (link NSFW), Forest Nui Cobalt, Shira Tarrant, Hugo Schwyzer, Sara Barrett, Ikoi Hiroe, G Pe Benito. And more!

We’ll be partnering with Sex Workers Outreach Project and many other community organizations. We welcome other like-minded groups who want to table or leaflet with us.

Slutwalk Movement Hits the LA Area; Fights Against Victim Blaming

On June 4, 2011, the Slutwalk march will be held at West Hollywood Park, 647 North San Vicente Blvd, West Hollywood at 12:00 PM. Slutwalk is a rally and march designed to end rape, victim blaming — and to reclaim the word “slut.”

Los Angeles, California May 19, 2011 — On Saturday, June 4, West Hollywood will be teeming with sluts. Women, men, and children of all different ages, ethnic backgrounds, and gender identities will gather at 12:00 PM at West Hollywood Park in an attempt to put a stop to victim blaming in situations of sexual violence.

The LA Slutwalk will consist of a rally and a walk. Guest speakers – including performance artists, sex workers, academics, anti-violence activists and others — will provide personal testimonies. With representation from a variety of sources, the LA Slutwalk is not an event to miss.

“We really wanted to participate in a Slutwalk,” said Chelsea Delgadillo, a student at Cal Poly Pomona and one of the creators of Slutwalk LA, “Since there wasn’t one in the area, we decided to make one ourselves.”

The Slutwalk movement originated in Toronto, Canada in response to a police officer’s statement that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order to not be victimized.” After successfully holding a Slutwalk in Toronto, the movement has spread to major cities around the world, finally reaching the Los Angeles area.

For more information, please visit our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/laslutwalk), or contact the members of the SlutWalk LA organizing committee.

Olga Ivesic olgaivesic@yahoo.com
Chelsea Delgadillo chelseadelgadillo@gmail.com
Katie Landers katie.landers.swla@gmail.com
Antonia Maria Del Campo toneofthecountry@gmail.com
Hugo Schwyzer hbschwyzer@gmail.com

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged