As the controversy over SlutWalk hits the mainstream media, provoking a larger conversation about sexuality, safety, privilege and rape, I wanted to revisit this “letter to a teen girl”.
Rachel Hills, who blogs at Musings of an Inappropriate Woman, recently posed this question from her 16 year-old self: how do I stop creepy old men from hitting on me? Rachel writes that she didn’t get a satisfactory answer when she was young, and she still doesn’t get good answers today.
As a feminist and a father, a professor and a former youth leader with years of experience working with teens, I thought I’d take a shot at answering Rachel’s query.
If I were writing to a 16 year-old named Rachel, I’d say:
Dear Rachel,
I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.
You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed, girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest” garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing, it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.
Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin, she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side, she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent respect) from everyone.
The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable.
Comfort, of course, has many dimensions. There’s physical comfort to consider. A fashion choice that leaves you sweating and itchy on a hot day, or shivering on a cold one, is by definition uncomfortable. When the weather’s warm, wearing more revealing clothing is often as much a matter of comfort rather than style.
Of course, there’s a psychological aspect to comfort, too. The more revealing your clothing (regardless of your reasons for wearing it), the more of your body others can see. It’s important to be honest with yourself about how that makes you feel. Different people have different levels of comfort with having their bodies noticed. That’s a normal variation, and the key thing is to be aware where you are on the spectrum. If your peers or parents urge you to dress in a style that leaves you feeling vulnerable and uncomfortably exposed, you have a right to push back against them. The reverse is true, too.
It’s important too to note that however much skin you are revealing, you are never responsible for another person’s inappropriate behavior. Save for the blind, we are all visual people. We notice each other. There is no right not to be seen. But there is a right not to be stared at with a penetrating gaze of the sort that makes you feel deeply uncomfortable. While it may seem that you get those leers more often when you’re showing more skin, you’ve probably noticed that you get those creepy stares at other times as well. And the key thing you need to know is that men can control their eyes — they really can — and women can control their judgment. Your body is not so powerful that it can drive others to distraction. (And yes, if we’re honest, sometimes we wish that our bodies were that powerful, particularly if it meant drawing the attention of someone to whom we are attracted!) If some men choose to be distracted by you, that is their choice, a decision for which they (not you) are solely responsible. No matter what anyone tells you, you need to remember that.
It is not inconsistent to want to be seen and not be stared at. You know the difference, I suspect, between an “appreciative look” (which can feel very validating) and the “penetrating stare” that leaves you feeling like crawling into a hole. While people are not required to give you the former, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to avoid giving you the latter. It’s also not unreasonable to want guys your age to be interested in you, and want the creepy old ones to leave you alone. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy or naïveté on your part to dress in a way that you hope will get you that positive attention you want without also bringing the negative attention you fear and loathe.
Sometimes, of course, we need other people’s insight and advice. There are little fashion rules that it can be helpful to know (even if only for the sake of breaking them, like the old one about not mixing browns and blacks, or not wearing dark-colored bras under light-colored tops.) Friends and family members may have suggestions for what colors or styles are most flattering to you, and sometimes those suggestions may be helpful. I’m certainly not suggesting you shouldn’t listen to those tips. But I want you to know there’s a world of difference between saying “you know, I think lime green isn’t really your color” and saying “you shouldn’t wear short skirts, because then men will think you’re easy.” The former bit of advice is rooted in an aesthetic truth (aesthetics is a fancy term for the study of what is beautiful or good), the latter in an anxiety that is based on a false assumption about male weakness.
It’s okay to ask, when headed to a new school or a workplace or a party, about the dress code. Few of us want to stand out as totally different from everyone else. Most of us can figure out that what you wear to a birthday party at the water park is different from what you would wear to a funeral service in a church. Dressing for the occasion is part of living in a community with others. But that standard should still have room for a lot of flexibility. A bikini is probably not appropriate at Thanksgiving dinner (unless you’re poolside), but when it comes, say, to school, don’t let anyone tell you that can’t dress up (or down) depending on how you feel.
Here’s a key point: As a father and a teacher and a youth leader and a feminist man who has been around a while (and worked with thousands of young people), I want you to know that while not all men are safe and trustworthy, men’s bad behavior is never, ever, ever, ever, ever “your” fault. Your miniskirt doesn’t cause guys (of any age) to do anything they don’t choose to do (no matter what they say to the contrary). It’s not your job to dress to keep yourself safe from men.
Lastly, let me say that finding your own style is an adventure. It involves a lot of trial, and some not infrequent errors. I promise you, ten or twenty years from now you’ll look at photos of yourself at 16, roll your eyes, and say “What was I wearing? What made me think that looked good?” Despite what some folks tell you, these are not the best years of your life. Not even close. And in terms of your style and your beauty, you aren’t anywhere near your peak. I say that not to belittle you, but to reassure you that you don’t have to get it right yet. You have much more time than you think.
Much love and best of luck,
Hugo
I wish someone had said that to me when I was sixteen — or, for that matter, that as much effort had gone into policing the boys’ self-control as went into policing the girls’ dress code when I was in school.
wonderful post. i’ll second melanie’s wish for “policing boys’ behaviour”, or rather, simply teaching boys how to treat all people with respect.
I particularly appreciate to mention of ‘spectrum’. Too often I encounter discussions on women’s/girl’s sexuality (including choices in clothing) as being either empowered by it, or degraded by it, with no where in between. Sometimes I dress to impress, sometimes I don’t, it depends on where I am and what is going on, but most of the time I’m not dressing for anything actually. To have my sexuality judged by my t-shirt and jeans just feels depressing because those clothes don’t reflect anything other than what was clean, readily available in my closet at 6 a.m., and practical for what I was doing that day.
But in the end, I wish I could have told my 16 year-old self that she would eventually grow into those over-sized breasts and the big baggy sweatshirts really weren’t necessary.
Well-said. I wish there were more fathers willing and able to have this conversation with their daughters. And like Melanie, I wish someone had said this to me when I was a teen. Instead, I was told rape was my fault and that the isolating slut-shaming that followed was as well. I may pass this on to the teens in treatment that I work with. They could use a reprieve.
Well said. I would like to archive this for my 3 month-old daughter to share with her when she is 16 and needs some ‘words of wisdom’. Thank you.
Hugo,
this is good advice!
It would be great, though, if you found the time at some point, to explain your working theory of temptation (or, in non-religious Hugo-terminology, since you’re usually only mentioning the alleged myth thereof – where does male weakness *actually* begin, in your opinion)?
SlutWalk intends to change the culture, and that’s cool. People shouldn’t be subjected to abuse because of how they look.
The reality of the situation is that dress does send signals. A few years back there was a rash of kidnappings of expats in parts of China. Groups of guys with machetes were taking hostages. Nobody deserves to be taken hostage, but I encouraged a friend to NOT go walking around after work in the Italian suit while wearing his TAG Heuer. Just seemed like common sense to me. There are bad guys out there and they might kidnap the guy in the jeans and t-shirt, but wearing such high-end clothing just seemed to be risky.
Clothing, be it saggy pants and hoodies in gang colors or micro-mini skirts has cultural baggage. You can work to change that, but for the time being dress can influence the perceptions and reactions of others.
Came in from Roni’s facebook where you shared this and it’s just wonderful. As someone with a dad who just wasn’t there for his kids it is always incredibly encouraging for me to meet men who are committed fathers. Thank you!
Feminist dads are the very best kind! Thanks for a great post that I hope is read widely.
*sigh*
And yes, somehow no matter what women in our culture wear, that cultural baggage seems to include a tag that says “if you think she’s cute, try and fuck her.”
i would write a different letter.
Rachel,
I am a man, so I do not really understand what you are going through. However, here are some thoughts. You are old enough to know some truths grownups know but rarely discuss. One of these truths is that anytime you are attracting attention that you want, you are attracting at least as much attention that you do not want. This truth does not just apply to your body. It applies to having a nice car, or being good at art. This is not your fault or a sign of your immorality. It just means that people are covetous or want to build themselves up at your expense, or are just bored and want to use you as a diversion.
Some men (and women, probably?) are good at being creeps. There is probably little you can do to stop them from being creepy. So the idea is to stay safe. Likewise, for the most part, some reasonable number of boys (and girls?) will be attracted to you for the right reasons. There is little you can do to affect this either, except trying to be a happy, engaging person.
However, some manners of dressing attract more superficial attention than others. This is important. Superficial attention feels good. However, see the first paragraph. Dressing in a way that attracts good superficial attention will attract at least as much bad superficial attention. This does not make you immoral. It is simply a tradeoff, and adult life is all about those.
None of this means you do not deserve respect and a safe environment. But, as adults know, “deserve”‘s got nothing to do with it.
Welcome to growing up. It will be remarkably unpleasant, but significantly better than the alternative.
Cheers,
ereinion
when i was 16 or so, a male member of my family gave me a switchblade and told me if some dude tried to go where he wasn’t wanted I should shove that in his inner thigh.
YOUR ADVICE IS WAY BETTER! Good on you, Hugo. This should be required reading in junior high human health and development classes.
I know this letter is addressed to a girl, but frankly, I wish someone would direct this towards men. It’s fine to tell a young girl she’s not responsible for their behavior, but how about a letter telling men THEY are responsible for their behavior. I was talking with a guy who when I complained about the narrow window of “attractiveness” men have, whined, “But it’s what the media tells us to like.” I wanted to scream, “Are you really coping to being that weak? Really?”
The problem with men is that we are not taught how to be men…. That is we are taught from birth to see women as objects to be owned. Why this is so I cannot say, but it is WRONG. We need to teach our young boys that women are human beings, just like them, and that women deserve to treated as such, with respect and dignity. Some times I feel that the religions we practice are, well, misogynistic to say the least. That may be an unfair observation of an atheist, but I see that segregation of women and a reduction of their rights is enshrined in most religions. I am sure that this was not meant to happen, but with most of today’s religions being governed by angry men, misogyny seems to have taken hold.
It is so refreshing to see a man step up and speak out, well done!
Lynette,
your wish is my command..I am female, but as of tomorrow, say, 2pm, i will attempt this…bcause you know what, you are right.
Great, refreshing piece
If only all men were like you!
That is an awesome letter.
Thank you, Hugo, I hope this goes viral and you go on TV, maybe Jon Stewart, with this message. It’s very important.
If I recall that time period correctly, I *wanted* to look sexy. I wanted that kind of attention, because I did not get validation from other places. But you’re right, there’s a difference between validation and creepy stare.
I think the creepy stare has two varieties: the “I want to have sex with you” (usually stated more crudely as these creeps often have domination fantasies), and the “You women are too uppity, I need to put you down”. I wish there were a way to re-validate women as a whole without energizing the latter type.
DaveV and Ereinion, I see exactly your point. You are sensibly approximating the crime of rape to the crime of stealing, and the importance of preventative measures. I understand that a person who wears an expensive watch or driving a nice car in a “bad neighborhood” and ends up getting mugged or carjacked may have been ‘asking for it’ in the sense of not taking precautions.
However. If the thief is ever caught and the victim faces them in court, the thief’s lawyer would never argue that the victim was ‘asking’ to be robbed by dressing a certain way, or owning a certain vehicle. The jury would never buy it, because in our culture, we have a great deal of respect for private property. Can you imagine a world where thieves and criminals get off scot-free because anyone who bought expensive things and had the nerve to take them out in public should have known better? Where we’d say to the victims, “If you didn’t want your watch to get stolen, why did you wear it outside your home in the first place? Why did you even buy it?”
But this is what we do to rape victims all the time. We say, “With a skirt that short, what did you expect?” Oh, I don’t know, I expected to go on about my day with a little more breeze around my legs, not that I would be assaulted. Juries listen when lawyers argue that the victim couldn’t have truly been raped because she was dressed a certain way, so she must have actually wanted it, making it a consensual encounter. I would like to see a shift in our culture where we have at least as much respect for women’s bodies as we do for consumer goods.
Ereninion’s letter made me laugh. Just another dude perpetuating the idea that certain dress increases the likiliness of rape while ignoring societal pressures (and enforcement) for female sexual availability and the suppression of female sexual agency.
I said I would give it a shot, so…here we go…
An Open Letter to Young Men:
I cannot say what it is like to be you, to truly know the pressures you face while growing up or how you have to work and strive to find your own sense of self and your place in the world. But I do know what it was like to grow up with and around you, how it felt to be seen or noticed by you in a good way, how it felt to be seen or noticed by you in a bad way, how it felt to be seen and noticed by you not at all or way too much. I also know that growing up and finding oneself and ones place is not always easy, regardless of if you are a boy or a girl. It can be rough, no question, all around. But I do have something to say to you, and I do hope maybe you will listen.
No one likes to be picked on, slandered, bullied, hurt, made fun of or taken advantage of. I am sure it is something you do not like to be on the receiving end of, and simple truth is, no one else likes it either. And when growing up, things are difficult for everyone. So just as you would not liked to be judged, or accused by, or treated badly by people, it is important to know that no one else likes that either. Sure enough, as you get older, you are going to most likely be interested in the opposite sex, drawn to them, find them pretty or interesting or yep, even attracted and turned on by them- but something that is important to remember is this:
You and those girls? Take away the few different things and basically, those girls are made up of the same components that you are: flesh, bones, hormones, feelings, brains, guts, joints, and all the same sort of chemical and biological compounds that make a human just that: a human. She is a person just like you are, often with the same things going on in her head and life that you have, and she deserves to be treated with the same level of respect and humanity that you yourself would wish to be treated with. How she looks or what she wears does not change that. Under whatever clothes she is wearing, she is a human, made up of the same human things you are made up of, and just as hateful names or jeers or ugly stares or rumors and lies make you upset…they will do the same thing to her. Girls do not relish being made fun of, or tormented, or treated badly and disrespected any more than you do…so perhaps, when you are tempted to do that to a girl, or see your friends doing it to one, you need to stop and think about her for a moment.
How do you think it makes her feel? How would you feel if it was happening to you? How would you feel if it was your mother, or sister, or female friend being treated in that manner? What must it be like to be her? And if you were her, or when you yourself are being treated poorly, how much would it mean if someone would just stop doing it, or made it stop, or said to their friends “Hey, you know, this really isn’t that fair or cool?”
Little things like that can make a world of difference, and not just for her, but for you, and every other human you have around you- boy or girl. Under it all you are pretty much the same: human, with all that human commonality and awareness and likeness- and when you disrespect a girl- no matter how “okay” or “cool” or “fun” anyone else might say it is…you are not merely disrespecting her; you are disrespecting yourself and every other person on the planet as well.
And respect? Having it and showing it does not make you weak, or uncool, or whiny, or any other such thing. In fact, it makes you quite the opposite. It is far stronger and braver to stand up to, stop, and defend people from harm than it is to cause it, join in on it, or ignore it. And respect given also often respect then earned.
You may not be able to control others, but you can control yourself, and being a decent person to others, male or female, will not only make them feel better, it will probably make you feel better too…and the world could use better people…so trying being one, even when it is not always the popular or easy thing to do.
Wow, this is an incredibly powerful and enlightening discussion, and I am so glad that I found it (via @GoodMenProject). I am a huge believer in the need for an evolution in our (and many other) cultures away from sexism, and toward an enlightened, values-driven empathy. REAL MEN DON’T EXPLOIT THE VULNERABLE. But we don’t live in a black-or-white world. And it angers me to witness sexist behaviors, not to mention their destructive consequences. The root cause of the problem lies in our collective values system (e.g. culture). But each individual man (or boy, man-to-be) is without question responsible for his own behavior, his own thoughts, and his own values/beliefs. It is the consciousness and public discussion of these which we ALL — men, women, boys, and girls — need to participate in actively, openly to help educate and evolve our culture toward one that is a higher- and not lower-order existence.
If all men were like this guy, none of the sluts would get laid.
If all men were like this guy, the ‘sluts’ would all be married and getting good lickie on demand, whether their doodz feel like humping or not.
WHOO HOO! I am so going to slutwalk DC! I’m hoping to be wearing some way over-the-top fettishwear. I’ll post some pics if you’re covering more slutwalk topics in late August.
I love this.
Ren: I think your relative had the right idea. It’s very hard to argue with a switchblade. Personally, if I had a daughter, I’d make sure that she was heavily armed- and I should invest in my own little armory. If I was pretty, I’d have so many lethal metallic things, I’d clank.
brilliant post. I hope it goes viral too. I wish there would be more letters like this to young men though! Targeting women’s self esteem is not going to stop the misogyny, bullying and sexual harassment that goes on in high schools and the workplace. Targeting men’s perceptions would help to prevent it.
It’s not the girl’s job to change young men’s perceptions, it’s the older generation. Particularly the older generation of fathers, who I think are basically being lazy and not doing a good enough job, as the victim-blaming rape culture is still prevalent.
“It’s not your job to dress to keep yourself safe from men.”
Although I completely agree with this, it IS your (everybody- male or female) job to keep yourself safe. Walking across the park on your own at night might be your right and free choice, but you shouldn’t do it, as it basically isn’t safe.
Thank you, Hugo.
The idea that women somehow “control” men’s actions by appearance alone is offensive to both genders.
For women, it creates anxiety and false guilt as you covered very eloquently.
For men, it creates the image both that the woman is somehow scary, powerful, and it degrades the man. They’re saying men are so weak-minded, lacking in capacity, and brutish that they cannot control their actions.
— Social Norms —
This being said. There is one thing that should be considered within reason also. Society does have limits, even a ‘free’ society such as the USA or Canada, UK or Australia (just to cover four).
That boundary is your right to cross, as a commenter above posted they were eager to. That does not make it your right to expect no reaction at all. People also have the right to think what they will about your dress sense, so long as like the above, it remains opinion and not action.
My wholly unasked two cents.
What a wonderful letter, thank you. Unfortunately, slutwalk seems to have inadvertently perpetuated the myth that “provocatively” dressed women are more likely to be sexually assaulted than women who don’t dress that way, which as you point out, is not the case at all.
This is great advice! I’m bookmarking this and once I have a teenage daughter I’m giving it to her to read (if the internet is still around in approximately 15-20 years when this will be the case). However, I wish you would have chosen a less negative text snippet as the title: The first impression I got was that this text might be putting young women down and might be preaching ideals totally different from what it actually preaches. Of course in the context in which it appears, the title sentence is totally fine, but out of context… anyway, a really great article altogether!
I did a rather extensive interview with a newspaper this past week, and I quoted your writing extensively on the subject of women’s bodies causing men to sin. I hope that they do as well.
Pingback: What Have the Feminist Fashion Bloggers Been up to?
“The reality of the situation is that dress does send signals. A few years back there was a rash of kidnappings of expats in parts of China. Groups of guys with machetes were taking hostages. Nobody deserves to be taken hostage, but I encouraged a friend to NOT go walking around after work in the Italian suit while wearing his TAG Heuer. Just seemed like common sense to me. There are bad guys out there and they might kidnap the guy in the jeans and t-shirt, but wearing such high-end clothing just seemed to be risky.”
The above is a faulty analogy. Your friend would not be taken hostage because he is male, but because he would be perceived to have money (not that this is any more acceptable). Men who sexually assault women, on the other hand, are doing so because they are female. The two are not the same.
It saddens me that although sexual assault is so prevalent in this society (and is mostly men’s responsibility), most men are so far removed from it that the closest analogy they can come up with compares human beings to stolen valuables.
It is never okay to rape someone, for any reason. With that being said, ones actions,especially when drunk may very well blur that line.
To relate to stealing as an earlier poster did, yes if I walk out into public with a wad of cash, and someone were to take it from me, it would be wrong, no matter what.
Just as if a female went out into public dressed provocatively and got raped. As far as the stares go, as long as no physical harm is done, I do not see the problem with (nor do I condone) and if it truly makes you uncomfortable, inform the person of such, as they may not know that they are offending you.
Now, mix alcohol into the situation, and I am drunk, and throwing my money all around the bar. When I sober up, and goto collect the money I threw around, chances are that it isnt there. If i were to call the police, and said I was robbed, when I told the officer the story, he would tell me I was asking for it, and probably even deserved it.
Now to the point, I have seen females get this way when drinking. Exposing their breasts, making out in the bar,fellatio in the parking lot. Then the next day claim that she was raped, because when she sobered up she regretted having sex.
This happened to a good friend of mine. He had no idea who this chic was before hand, and was a good caring guy. He put his life on the line right next to me. He was then left with a choice, pay a lawyer to defend him, or post bail to get out of jail. While he was able to beat the charges, he spent enough time in jail waiting to be exonerated that he lost his career. And yes, the defense focused on her actions, and mode of dress of the night in question, and painted the picture that she was asking for it, and it was consensual sex.
My reasons for sharing this, is that hopefully while you get the message out that the way our young women dress are not responsible for the actions of men, you can also educate them that it is not a free ticket to act like a slut and expect not to get treated like one.
Finally, some clear-cut logic on this issue. Thank you.
I love this letter ! It’s a little masterpiece. Seriously.
Thanks !
Pingback: Yes, we can love feminism and fashion too « FemThreads