Thursday Short Poem: Jacobson’s “Daughter”

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Not posting much at the moment, as I have a bad flu. But did want to offer up this poem (once again, suggested by Jendi Reiter), touching on a familiar theme here. This Robin Leslie Jacobson piece (which appeared in Parabola Magazine) is heartbreaking.

Daughter

Anorexia leaves you
her cello, luminous, leaning
in the corner by the piano;

things she made in school,
a crackled bowl
with silk cosmos fading;

dried leaves between
leaves of her diary like skin.

Anorexia leaves you
to tend the mourners,
one stumbling, distracted,
over a folding chair
by the deck door.

Someone has moved the lucky
bamboo, simple in its spiraling,
to the kitchen counter
above a drawer of spoons
curled safe as babies.

No one remembers
to put out coasters.
There are casseroles everywhere
and cake.

Later you look through
the white ribs of the louvers—
the red maple sapling
you planted today is still
in shock.

Lights out,
you wait up.

“I have been today who I longed to be”: of monogamy, fidelity, and the case for virtue

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

This post first appeared in 2008, before Tiger Woods and Schwarzenegger’s love child. But the same arguments keep coming up. And I’ll keep pushing back.

Amber Rhea gets the hat tip for this article in New York Magazine: The Affairs of Men: The trouble with sex and marriage. That’s the title in the magazine, anyway, but when you click on the link, the title that comes up is What Makes Married Men Want to Have Affairs?, which is a very different sort of question. Asking why men want what they want is never, ever, the same question as why men do what they do.

The author, Phillip Weiss, gets us off to a depressing start:

When the Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March, I had only sympathy for him: another middle-aged married guy tormented by his sexual needs. I’m 52 and have always struggled with the desire for sexual variety. Everyone gets an issue, and that’s mine; it’s given me pleasure and pain, and jolted my marriage. I’d only talked about my issue with any honesty over the years with about six or seven people, and when you leave out my wife and a therapist, they are all men.

So the conversation had a conspiratorial male character. When people at dinner parties cried out, “What was Spitzer thinking?” I whispered to a friend that I knew damn well what he was thinking: He wanted some “strange”, to quote the old Kris Kristofferson line. Or we passed around JPEGS of Spitzer’s date, Ashley Dupre, and commented on her luscious body. The governor’s plight had the effect of outing me. When I told one married friend about my torment, he cut me off. Everyone in our situation has had one or two episodes. Straying, wandering eye, a blowup. If you have a pulse

What situation is that, I wonder? The situation of the middle-aged married male, caught between his promises and his urges? Apparently. Here’s Weiss’ stunner:

An article of faith among the men with whom I discussed these issues (and an idea ignored, if not contested, by most of the women I know) was that the hunger for sexual variety was a basic and natural and more or less irresistible impulse. I haven’t ever seen anyone who doesn’t deliver on every single demand their sexuality makes on them. We make the mistake of thinking some people have a stronger will, they don’t, says a forward-thinking friend. There is no more unnatural principle of social organization than sexual exclusivity. But like other of my male sources, he didn’t want me to use his name. Don’t get me divorced! was the refrain. All of these guys nursed a fantasy, as quaintly surreal as an old tinted postcard, of a perfectible world in which we might have sex outside our primary relationships and say that it doesn’t mean anything.

Yikes. Let’s just say, the piece goes down hill from there. The bold emphasis above is mine; it illustrates the classic fallacy of what I call the “myth of male weakness”. Here’s how the fallacy works:

1. Men naturally desire sexual variety.
2. That desire for sexual variety is very strong.
3. That desire is, in fact, so strong that it can never be resisted, and in the end, will always trump the will. It’s only a matter of time. Continue reading →

Book covers and self-pleasure links

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

It’s a busy week of line-editing galleys, organizing and grading and teaching and fathering and husbanding and all of those good things. Check out the tentative cover of the book I’ve co-authored.

Due to a mix-up, both the Frisky and the Good Men Project published the same piece on the same day. And mama, once again, give both these posts a miss. I will write something significant about something that has nothing to do with sex.

At the Frisky: Guy Talk: Can Male Masturbators Catch a Break?

At Good Men Project: Male Self-Pleasure Myths

“Your body is not so powerful it can drive others to distraction”: a letter to a teenage girl about clothing, modesty, and Slutwalk

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

As the controversy over SlutWalk hits the mainstream media, provoking a larger conversation about sexuality, safety, privilege and rape, I wanted to revisit this “letter to a teen girl”.

Rachel Hills, who blogs at Musings of an Inappropriate Woman, recently posed this question from her 16 year-old self: how do I stop creepy old men from hitting on me? Rachel writes that she didn’t get a satisfactory answer when she was young, and she still doesn’t get good answers today.

As a feminist and a father, a professor and a former youth leader with years of experience working with teens, I thought I’d take a shot at answering Rachel’s query.

If I were writing to a 16 year-old named Rachel, I’d say:

Dear Rachel,

I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.

You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed, girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest” garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing, it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.

Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin, she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side, she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent respect) from everyone.

The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable. Continue reading →

“We vastly underestimate teen girls’ sexual agency”: Kerry Cohen on SlutWalk

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Kerry Cohen and I met when she wrote me last fall to ask to quote a snippet from The Paris Paradox: How Sexualization Replaces Opportunity with Obligation for a forthcoming book. We’ve been corresponding ever since.

Kerry’s most famous book is Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity, a moving and painful account of her own sexual journey. Writing as Kerry Cohen Hoffmann, she’s also penned a great book for young adults on the same subject, Easy. She’s got several other titles for teens and adults.

Kerry, who has both an MFA in writing and an MA in counseling psychology, is the author of two forthcoming books, Seeing Ezra: A Mother’s Story of Autism, Unconditional Love, and the Meaning of Normal and Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity. (I’ve read an advance copy of the latter, and it’s superb. I’ll be reviewing it later in the summer as its official release date approaches.)

Because Kerry has written so often and so widely about teens, shame, promiscuity and sexualization, I wanted to know how she felt about the SlutWalk campaign that has suddenly gone worldwide this spring. I sent her some questions, she gave some great answers, and they’re below the fold. Continue reading →

Tumblring

Posted on May 14, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

I’ve got two pages on Facebook and a Twitter. (I enthusiastically accept almost all friend requests and follows.) Thursday, I added on a Tumblr, and will be posting this n’ that there.

A revised (and shorter) version of Thursday’s post is up at Healthy is the New Skinny: I used to be Bulimic.

“I used to have an eating disorder”: food, shame, perfectionism and the rapid recovery narrative

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

“I used to be bulimic. But I’m better now.”

I read that phrase in an email from a student last week, and thought about how many times I’ve read or heard something similar. And I was reminded that in our therapeutic culture, it’s perfectly acceptable to have a past history of addiction or illness — as long as one claims to be working on it, or to have recovered.

As experts on eating disorders will tell you, there are few compulsions that are more difficult to overcome than bulimia, anorexia, and the other diseases that surround food. Though the number of men who suffer from eating disorders has risen since the 1980s, the overwhelming majority of sufferers remain women. And though not all those who are afflicted are young, teenagers and 20 somethings are especially vulnerable.

One of the most unhelpful ways to talk about the struggle against poor body image is to describe it as a temporary developmental phase. A 16 year-old girl tells us that she hates her body, and too many adults make soothing noises saying “it’s something most girls go through” or simply “it gets better.” Of course, “it” can get better. But it rarely does so on its own. Self-loathing is not a natural biological phase through which girls must pass; it’s not a developmental trait that comes along with breasts and body hair and menstruation. Self-hatred is socially constructed — and the work to undo the damage done by peers, parents, and the media is often a long and challenging one.

Many young women I work with feel genuine guilt for not having recovered swiftly enough from an eating disorder. One said to me recently: “It was bad enough when I was a freshman in high school. But that was four years ago, and I’m still struggling with this. I hate my body but I also feel like I’ve used up my allotted time to get help.”

What she and others like her end up with is a classic double bind. On the one hand, they’re still struggling to reach an unattainable ideal, coping often as well with the physical triggers that can drive and sustain bulimia or anorexia. On the other hand, they’re keenly aware of our societal longing for quick recovery narratives of the sort one sees on TV: girl hits puberty, girl develops eating disorder, girl gets help, girl gets better, all in the space of a one-hour program.

The winding road of recovery, replete with often multiple relapses, is much longer and more complex. And while recovery from any compulsion or disorder is rarely rapid, it is especially prolonged and enduring for those with eating disorders.

Many young women have an initial recovery after treatment, and then go “public” (at least to family and friends) about what they’ve been through. They then often get showered with love and attention and praise; parents are grateful that their daughters are “better now.” But so often, when a relationship goes south or the academic pressure builds, or sometimes just “because”, a young woman slips back into an old pattern. Except it’s worse, because now she gets to cope with the shame of relapse. Young women with eating disorders are usually people-pleasers; they’re keenly aware of how worried and disappointed others might be if their initial recovery isn’t sustained.

She feels as if she’s letting everyone down. Continue reading →

“Mean” Boys: a note on whose words do more harm

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

My regular Thursday piece is up at Healthy is the New Skinny: Mean Guys.

Excerpt:

But as sweet as some guys can certainly be, we also raise young women to give guys the benefit of the doubt. Most young women have high expectations of other women – and low expectations of most men. As a result, many girls excuse the really awful things so many boys do and say as just part of the “way guys are.” But the research suggests that excusing away those hurtful remarks doesn’t change the reality that what guys say has the statistically greater impact on young women’s self-esteem…

Read the whole thing here.

And a similar, longer piece of mine from June 2008: Boys, fathers, teasing, and disordered eating: spite more often wears a man’s face

Thursday Short Poem: Merrill’s “Candid Decorator”

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

I’ve liked a lot of James Merrill, but I didn’t know this one until my mother sent it to me last month. I’ve lived a lot of places in my life (since moving away to go to college, more than a dozen houses and apartments). I’ve had a half-dozen roommates who weren’t lovers, as well as living with four wives and three or four other girlfriends, whose tastes ranged from Viennese rococo to Miami minimalist. My own decorating has been haphazard to the eyes of most, but, I’d like to think, still “me.”

Merrill, as he usually does, finds the grand emotion in the small things.

The Candid Decorator

I thought I would do over
All of it. I was tired
Of scars and stains, of bleared
Panes, tinge of the liver.
The fuchsia in the center
Looked positively weird
I felt it—dry as paper.
I called a decorator.
In next to no time such
A nice young man appeared.
What had I in mind?
Oh, lots and lots of things—
Fresh colors, pinks and whites
That one would want to touch;
The windows redesigned;
The plant thrown out in favor,
Say, of a small tree,
An orange or a pear . . .
He listened dreamily.
Combing his golden hair
He measured with one glance
The distance I had come
To reach this point. And then
He put away his comb
He said: “Extravagance!
Suppose it could be done.
You’d have to give me carte
Blanche and an untold sum.
But to be frank, my dear,
Living here quite alone
(Oh I have seen it, true,
But me you needn’t fear)
You’ve one thing to the good:
While not exactly smart,
Your wee place, on the whole
It couldn’t be more ‘you.’
Still, if you like—” I could
Not speak. He had seen my soul,
Had said what I dreaded to hear.
Ending the interview
I rose, blindly. I swept
To show him to the door,
And knelt, when he had left,
By my Grand Rapids chair,
And wept until I laughed
And laughed until I wept.

Some laughter with the lovemaking, please: on porn, performance, and deadly seriousness

Posted on May 11, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

In the past two weeks, I’ve heard from three friends of mine all struggling with the same issue. Each is a woman in a monogamous relationship with a guy who uses internet pornography. None of these women are reflexively anti-porn. But each has noticed how her partner’s porn use impacts their sex life. Cassie wrote:

There are SO many more things I’ve noticed that he does during sex that are straight out of a porn. He’s asked me about threesomes before, saying he “thought it was just a normal thing that everyone does.” Hello?! Only in the porn world does everyone have a threesome everyday! In trying to explain why I was opposed to it, I asked him how he’d feel if I asked him if we could bring another man into our sex. He said I was being mean and that it was gross. =) He’s also asked me if he can pull my hair. I let him, because I knew he liked it, but it’s so . . . porn-like. Also, he thinks body hair is gross. Even on him. I personally think that body hair is normal and it should be kept nice and trimmed, but I am a woman and he is a man. We are not little kids that are supposed to have hairless genitals. I know this is a HUGE trend right now, but I just hate it and I think it’s directly linked to porn.

Part of the problem in discussing porn is that most people reflexively fall into one of two camps. Either all porn is unhealthy, invariably addictive, and exploitative of women or its harmless, healthy, and almost invariably liberating. There’s an almost deliberate refusal to make distinctions. My anti-porn friends often cannot envision a “healthy place” for visual masturbation aids; my pro-porn friends are often too dismissive of the damage that compulsive porn use can (but will not inevitably) bring.

The reality is that different kinds of porn exist, and that the conditions under which porn is produced differ. These distinctions matter. And of course, another key distinction is that not everyone will “use” porn in the same way. As with beer or chocolate, what one person can delight in without harm can become an obsession for another. Whether or not “sex addiction” exists in the same biochemical fashion that alcoholism does is beside the point — the evidence is clear that some people do use porn compulsively in a way that damages their relationships.

Both sides need to recognize two truths about how porn impacts people’s lives. One, some people genuinely find healthy pleasure in porn. Their experiences are real and valid. Two, some people develop an unhealthy relationship with porn that can wreak havoc in their sexual and romantic lives. If all of us concede these realities, we’d be a lot better off.

Cassie’s concern was echoed in Amanda Marcotte’s excellent piece at Good Men Project yesterday: What Women Don’t Tell You. Amanda is hardly in the “sex-negative” camp. But she offers this timely admonition:

Most sex in porn is about what’s good for the camera, not what’s good for the participants in it, especially the women. In fact, many things that look good in porn can keep us from having fun in real-life sex. For instance, in porn the only parts of their bodies the actors often touch are their genitals, so that the camera can get a full view of the action. But in real life, sex is more of a whole-body experience, and the genital-only thing can feel cold and masturbatory.

Of course, we know that men know this, and most would deny that they’re doing stuff because it looked good in a porn and not because it felt good in the moment. So we’d rather not bring it up when you do stuff that looks better in porn than it feels in life. We don’t want to argue over whether or not that’s what you’re doing. But when you do something you picked up in a porn that doesn’t add to the real-life pleasure, we take notice and we’re often hoping you get it out of your system so we can move on to activities that are actually fun.

Bold emphasis mine. . Continue reading →