From July 2009.
This summer session in my women’s history course, I’ve been more conscientious than usual about suggesting proactive solutions for young feminists to use as they navigate their way through a difficult and misogynistic world. I’ve got a compendium of tips, all of which ought to be collected into a single blog post at some point. But one suggestion I’ve made repeatedly, and which I’ve seen proven useful again and again, is that young people of both sexes (but especially young women) set aside money for themselves.
It comes from something I heard years ago from a feminist colleague of mine. She remarked, apropos of nothing that I can remember, “You know what freedom is? Freedom is having first, last, and a security deposit.” (Most landlords require a first month’s payment and a last month’s payment in advance before renting an apartment; most require a security deposit, often equal to another month’s rent.) For young people living in unhappy home situations with repressive parents, or for women in abusive relationships, the ability to leave and begin a different life is tied to access to money. Feminists rightly celebrate the importance of “choice” and “autonomy”, but we must always acknowledge that it is far easier to exercise these two fundamental goods when one has resources over which one has direct control.
This is not a new point, of course; Virginia Woolf said as much in her indispensable “A Room of One’s Own.” Some years, I’ve given my students excerpts from Woolf to read; many identify all too well with the famous point about Shakespeare’s sister. But whether they read it in Woolf or hear it from a professor or pick it up from their friends, it’s vital — particularly for those from families with few resources — that women start putting aside money that will be theirs and theirs alone. Perhaps, yes, money with which to rent a room of one’s own; perhaps money with which to buy a car. Perhaps money with which to take a life-changing trip abroad. The freedom to become who one was called to be is considerably easier with money of one’s own.
This all sounds obvious, of course. But for many of my students, setting aside even small bits of money is very difficult. The “pleasing woman discourse” is pervasive, and it makes it all too easy for whatever amounts of spare cash are accumulated to be offered to the invariably needy and demanding multitudes that surround far too many young women. In some families, young women are expected to contribute to their parents’ rent and to the grocery money; for many of my working-class students, particularly in the current Great Recession, living at home is as much about helping their family survive as it is about remaining under the control of overly-watchful parents.
But hard-earned money (most of my students work) doesn’t just go for rent and gas and food. Friends and relatives always seem to need an extra $20 here, an extra $50 there. Cousins need bailing out of jail; brothers need help paying the deductible to repair a car. Grandma’s birthday is coming up, and the family wants to get her something special — and yet when the time comes to cough up cash to buy the gift, brother Billy has spent his and Dad decided it was more important to upgrade the big-screen TV in the family room. And so the dutiful daughter pays a disproportionate share. Little sister needs a quinceanera dress. A friend is getting married (too young, you think, but hey, she’s in love) and has asked you to be in the wedding; you’ll buy a dress you’ll only wear once along with a host of other related expenses. The dreams of what one might do with money of one’s own run right into the incessant, unwearying expectations of a culture that demands that women share everything that they have.
So part of the trick isn’t learning to save money, it’s learning to say “no” to the never-ending demands that others place on it. Women, far more so than men, are expected to “share” whatever they have with those around them in need. A man who saves and resists the temptation to share every last penny with those around him is virtuous, thrifty, and ambitious; a woman who displays the same qualities is selfish, ungrateful, and materialistic. The money carefully laid away for an apartment or a trip is sometimes stolen outright from shoeboxes and underwear drawers; it is also systematically “stolen” through the relentlessness of the pleasing woman discourse, a discourse that declares “No” is a word a good woman ought never utter to those whom she loves. For many of my students, learning to say “No” to friends and family is the first great hurdle to clear in Feminism 101.
Of course, there are times and instances when it is appropriate to help. Contributing to a fund to help grandpa get his eye surgery in Mexico is, perhaps, a worthwhile use of one’s private resources (presuming that one is not the only one shouldering the financial burden). Bailing out one’s brother because he got picked up on another DUI is perhaps not wise; many women have spent whatever small amounts of private capital they have accumulated to make up for the recklessness of male family members. What is needed is discernment, the ability to distinguish between the worthy request for assistance that ought to be considered and the tiresomely obligatory demand that a daughter and a sister have nothing for herself that cannot be shared. Learning to discern takes friends and role models and a determination not to give up on one’s private and most fervent aspirations.
I often suggest that my students tell no one, not even parents or boyfriends/girlfriends, about their private savings. Whether held in a bank or in a shoebox somewhere, it ought to be somewhere safe and well-hidden; nosy fathers should not be in a position to find correspondence from Wells Fargo, broke brothers scrounging for change should not be able to find the cash tucked away in an obvious place. Secrecy and security are key here. The goal is not to teach deceptiveness; the goal is to drive home the point that safety and happiness (two of the great promises of the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of Sentiments) are made easier when one has a room of one’s own, a car of one’s own, a way out of one’s own.
Feminists are often accused of advocating for a white, middle-class version of liberation, one that emphasizes personal sovereignty at the expense of the uplifting of an entire community. That charge is sometimes made in good faith, but it is also made by those who recognize that without women acting out of a sense of guilt and hyper-responsibility, the community’s chances for prosperity and greater inclusion are limited. Women are told, over and over again, to subordinate their personal hopes and wishes to those of the family, the culture, the race; women’s bodies and women’s bank accounts bear the burden of maintaining solidarity. Families matter. Culture matters. But so too does private happiness; not all joy comes from the selfless serving of one’s kith and kin. And while some private happinesses are blessedly free, some aren’t. And for those that aren’t, cold hard cash in one’s own hands is indispensable.
Don’t buy make-up, don’t give money to anything unless you have already saved enough. Tip all males 25% less,and all females 25% more. NEVER give money to any men or male run charities. Work with as many women as possible. Learn to invest and work with other women to do this. Never bail men out of jail, leave them there as a good lesson.
Do not live with men, but create living arrangements with other women. Don’t cook, clean or do ANY unpaid work for any males ever. Say NO to men every day and get good at it!
Don’t use any computers made by men either.
I don’t understand – why tip a woman server ~50% more than a man for the same service. Do you not believe in equal pay for equal work? And what if I’m not sure about the server’s gender? I’m confused…
I think having some savings of your own, and if possible, your own transportation, is very important. It may not be quite as important as putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others, but the situations where you end up needing that money are more frequent than airplane crashes.
It saddens me that it is necessary for some people to hide their own money, lest it be stolen or manipulated away from them. However, in some circumstances, that is exactly what you need to do to keep it. There are some family members who seem to have a real problem with boundaries, and anything of yours ends up as theirs if they feel that they need it.
What makes you assume men built my computer? Ever see all those low paid women in factories assembling the equipment? Even meet any women who build computers? Yeah, right, men do everything technical and assumed to do everything.. WRONG! Now stop stealing women’s money, stop exploiting women, and stop making sexist assumptions about my computer!
Men invented computers, men invented the Internet, men invented the blog, and men occupy the top, bottom and middle of every computer company in the world. And no, I haven’t seen “all those low paid women in factories” because the vast majority of industrial work is done by men.
Hah, MRAs are so cute. In many of the countries where these factories exist (since a lot of factory work, especially when it involves electronics, is outsourced), women and children are doing a great deal of the labor.
Jenna, men have been stealing women’s money, time and bodies for generations.
Men have been underpaying women for generations. It’s time to stop letting them get away with this out and out theft!
Hear hear!
When I had some savings which helped me have the courage to move out of my parents’ house at 24, because of abuse, I had to purchase all new furniture (delivered free as I didn’t have a car) for my new apartment place; nobody in my family contributed or donated furniture to me nor helped with my move. Several years later, I decided to take another college program which was in another city and downgraded from an apartment to a furnished room – I had to move my furniture to my parents place for storage (at this time we were on better terms). Around the same time, my youngest brother was offered an amazing job to work for the government in Ottawa – upon hearing this my parents rushed to his aid, offered and insisted he take my furniture since my stuff was in “storage” and of no use to anyone (they did not get my permission); and furthermore arranged for a U-Haul truck which my father drove himself over 6 hours, one-way, to Ottawa and back to help my brother settle into his new apartment place in Ottawa.
Now if that isn’t favoritism and an example of how women are expected to share I don’t know what is. It is so true in my family, how the men are praised and encouraged to save, be frugal, yet there were times when I didn’t want to share some things and was admonished by my parents – calling me selfish, ungrateful, and not being sisterly; meanwhile my brothers would get away with doing the same things.
While living at home, I helped out the family with food, household products, house cleaning, laundry, buying bed linens, pillows…. and just trying to create a more comfortable home – in contrast my brothers did none of this and were applauded and credited by my parents for not being materialistic and were financially smarter than I. Meanwhile they benefited from the comforts I attempted to provide!
One of my older brothers has schizophrenia and had moved out of my parents home at 18, he went to live alone and was quite the reclusive and didn’t want any family ties (my family sucks anyway). There were many times I had tried to find out his whereabouts to ensure he was alive and not on the streets…I was successful later on and had reached out to him, enough that he would talk to me, then eventually allowed me to visit him. I did this all on my own accord and out of genuine concern for his welfare, especially since he was deemed mentally ill.
Through the years, I visited him and could see that he was living with very little means, instead of being on disability (more money) he was receiving welfare which is subsisting/destitute and didn’t have food in his fridge, his bedroom was tiny, he had very little possessions, he had very few items of clothing – wore the same clothes each time I saw him and basically didn’t have a life; he also was unemployable despite his attempts to secure work. I felt very badly for him, it really looked as though my family abandoned him. I don’t have much, but I would give the clothes on my back…i’m generous to a fault, but I knew my brother was much worse off than I.
Each time I visited my brother, which was fairly regularly, I brought food to him, bought new clothes for him and gave him money. He had budgies as pets, and they were kept in a cramped cage – I don’t remember whether he asked or I just took it upon myself and I bought a larger cage for his budgies and spoiled them with tons of toys and food. The budgies were his companions and pets/hobby so it’s important for him to enjoy something! I also gave him my old cell phone so he could stay in touch and paid monthly for the pay-as-you-go plan.
Years later, when his landlord moved out of the country, my brother had no where to go, I encouraged to him move back to our parents house (this at least we know where he is) and he is there today. This arrangement gives me peace of mind.
I have done more for this brother, than my parents or my brothers have done for him. They just don’t have the capacity to be selfless, generous or loving. Their penny-pinching ways are their bloodline; that comes before family. No wonder I am always broke or not financially independent as I would like.
Sorry I know I’m posting a lot and don’t mean to dominate this thread, but this article really resonates with me and have remembered some other things.
I don’t hate men or think all men are the same as the ones that I have encountered in my life, but growing up I was presented with many situations which caused me to become disillusioned with men; particularly beginning with family: my father and brothers.
I remember my two younger brothers, while growing up, were stuck in a “jam” and needed money upfront really urgently. They didn’t go to my parents to bail them out because they knew my parents would not be supportive of their predicaments, so instead they came to me…the sisterly, compassionate, generous to a fault member of the family – who put family first. Both of these brothers at different times, had a car accident or of that nature; one was driving without insurance (he didn’t drive often so didn’t bother with insurance) and got into a fender-bender with my father’s car. This brother came to me to borrow $2000 dollars cash to pay the guy whose car he hit, in lieu of reporting the accident to the police. I really didn’t have $2000 dollars at the time that I actually earned, but I had a large student loan in which I withdrew $2000 from to help this brother out of this dire problem. (This was repaid in full later).
The other younger brother borrowed less from me and also repaid…took much longer though.
Now where my disillusionment stemmed from, one of many, was the fact that when I was actually living on my own and was running low on money or other, I thought I would ask these brothers as a favour in return, since I had done the same for them years earlier and reminded them of these – I asked them if I could borrow money from them. They flat out refused. They are and were at the time had excellent jobs and had plenty of savings which they wouldn’t missed by lending me some, but they refused to. They told me that I needed to learn to be financially independent and not count on others to support me. I was aghast at this denigrating treatment, by my own brothers! And after I had helped them out of their jams years before
And why some men are quick to think women are overly emotional…well look at the treatment some women get throughout their lives!!! Blatant sexism, inequality and not supportive of the opposite sex – women, girls, sisters etc. Now these brothers are so well off, they look down on me and find me a disappointment, and that I have myself to blame! Blood is not thick and sometimes that’s a hard lesson for females.
I should mention that, I only asked those brothers ONE time to borrow money. They have never lent me a penny in their lives. This is not an exaggeration by any means. I can distinctly and easily recall that they never once gave me or lent me money in any shape or form or any denomination. But their retort that I needed to not count on others to support suggested that I was using people! Which is not true. I never used anyone, it’s not in my characters.
I… don’t know about this. The advice is absolutely solid and I completely understand how personal autonomy is linked to financial independence, but… the argument that women have to give more to family and friends just… doesn’t ring true to me. I’m open to being wrong about this, so if you (or anyone) can share more data on this I would love to hear it.
I understand how often it can be harder for women to achieve financial independence because it’s easier for a man to get a job he’ll be payed more to do, because she is expected to spend more money on personal upkeep, make up, clothes, etc. Similarly to argue that women are expected to give more of their time, but haven’t you stated Hugh that one of the elements of toxic masculinity IS ‘being the rock’?
I’m not arguing that it isn’t more difficult for women to get that first last and security, but that the majority of your argument seems far more like advice for young people in general, and it feels weird for it to be framed as ‘ladies, the people in your life are going to bleed you dry because you’re a woman’. I feel like the lesson is that at some point you have to start living for yourself if you ever want to be healthy and whole, and that all the good comes after that or you’ll just get crushed, but that’s a lesson for everyone, isn’t it?
Anyways, I’d love to learn more about the details behind this, but it really does seem like anyone who doesn’t happen to be totally privileged needs to learn how to do this.
I’ve seen women being bled dry by grown children, men being so emotionally dead that they force their wives into doing ALL the heavy emotional work.
Ask yourself this when was the last time a straight man threw a dinner party say for six people sent out all the invitations, cooked, cleaned up, did all the shopping, and also happily welcomed all the guests, while the girlfriend or wife just enjoyed the dinner party? I bet no straight man you know has EVER done this. This is how men steal women’s resources… one small example.
This is so true with relatives I know. The husband just sits back and enjoys his cigarette, while the wife has been preparing days in advance for the dinner party. I seriously don’t know where my aunt has the time to cook food for 12 guests and their children, while working full time and taking care of her two young children. I’m amazed each time I see the quality, variety and elaborate dishes she comes up with at these parties. At these parties, she is so busy cooking, cleaning and taking care of guests that I can’t see how she can enjoy herself or have time to chit chat with her girlfriends!
I once had this friend, she told me that when she throws a party…her husband deliberately make requests from her in-front of his guy friends, such as for her to get him a beer or water whatnot – and this was to show his friends that HE was the boss, that he was the man of the house and that his wife took orders from him on command, that she was there to see to his needs. LOL. How sexist!
Well with all the new TV cook shows such as Hell’s Kitchen and Jamie Oliver – all these male kitchen role models – hopefully will help men to not be afraid of cooking and help do their fair share.
Long time reader, first time commenting. I’d like to share a story from Australia. I don’t personally know any of the people involved. I feel sorry for Marieke Hardy, though. Because there is something rotten in the interwebs, so be careful, people!
http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/politics/google-and-ilk-cant-shirk-responsibility-for-ranters-20111229-1pe93.html
If we want to look at reality, we have to see that men are expected to PAY more, and are expected to have a good job. Otherwise, they are losers.
I just don’t buy the assertion that women are expected to pony up more dough. On the overall scheme of things, I see an expectation for men to pay. Look at friggin’ housewives (yes, for you 20-somethings who don’t believe it, they exist in droves): How could they ever share anything, since they get all their money from a man.
Word!
For the people above complaining about the man getting all the perks in marriage: You don’t HAVE TO get married. You can get a divorce or separate if you are already married. You may have to get a j.o.b., but I guess there are worse things in life.
Get a post office box and a safety deposit box at your bank. If the whole family banks at one bank. Go to a Credit Union someplace different. Have you bank statements go the PO Box address. Keep valuable papers in your safety deposit box and some cash for emergencies. This way there is no stress about hiding things in your room.
I have lots of anecdotes on this topic. lol.
My aunt, the one that works full-time, has two kids and throw elaborate dinner parties, while her husband contributes by buying the beer for the party – also plays the “dutiful daughter” on her side of the family.
My aunt’s parents are divorced. Her father is a chronic gambler, who constantly is indebted to others and also have received death threats from the men whom he’s lost bets with. Other than my aunt, there is no one on her father’s side of the family who’s tried to bail him out of his problems – not his brother, not his son – he relies on his daughter (my aunt) to come to his rescue.
My aunt keeps funneling money to her father, because she feels there is no other choice – her father’s life is at risk if he doesn’t get money to pay off those guys. So this has been an ongoing cycle and chronic problem for my aunt and her dad. Her dad has put her in financial ruin! My aunt goes around borrowing money from the women/her friends at these parties – she even has come to me to ask for money. At that time she asked me, I was unemployed but I had $3,000 dollars in which to lend her, I did this reluctantly – but did it out of good faith. I wrote a draft note to her, as she didn’t want her husband to know what was going on and I also had to promise not to let him know about this transaction.
But later on, my aunt’s husband found out about my aunt borrowing all this money from other people – in total $8,000 dollars! My uncle knew that his father-in-law was a chronic gambler but didn’t know that his wife was supporting his habits. When he found out his wife was borrowing money from all these people, he quickly repaid them all back, including myself (he had to borrow money from the bank to do this). Although his wife was trying to help her father not get killed, he was upset with her and his father-in-law; this whole incident caused him embarrassment and caused a rift in their relationship. My uncle came to feel that maybe his father-in-law was better killed off by his collectors, because he was placing a huge burden on his daughter.
Then some months after that occurred, this aunt came hawking her gold and diamond jewelery (pretending it was her friend’s who she was helping to sell). She used to wear a lot of gold jewelery, but now she doesn’t – she tried to sell me this diamond baguette pendant at half the price she bought it for ($800.oo)…there were some other pieces she tried to sell too. I also knew she tried pawning her jewelery to her friends too. From this my mother and I knew my aunt’s father was gambling once again and had death threats.
Feeling as though it’s her duty to help bail out her father from gambling debts, really stressed out my aunt – I could tell this whenever I was over at her house. She was temperamental, easily agitated and lashed out at her kids often. The kids don’t deserve this. My aunt deserves a better father.
My uncle and aunt now have separate bank accounts.
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