I’m off a late summer hiatus (one that involved moving house as well), and back to writing new things. My column at Role/Reboot is up this morning: Should We Be Happy for Cheaters Who Find Love Again?
Excerpt:
Infidelity hurts. The fact that cheating is invariably banal and terribly common does little to soothe the shock that comes with learning that a partner has been unfaithful. It’s axiomatic that sexual betrayal causes ripples of damage; children are often devastated, family members deeply hurt, friends confused and disappointed. Few reading this come from families completely untouched by the trauma of extramarital affairs. And whether we regard cheating as the inevitable byproduct of our absurd insistence on monogamy or as a grievous sin against the sacred institution of marriage, we’ve read about, gossiped about, and devoted acres of bandwidth to writing about the devastating impact of marital infidelity on our lives.
Not all extramarital affairs lead to divorce, and far fewer still result in re-marriage between the cheaters. Sometimes, these new marriages are disasters; other times (as appears to be the case with Charles and Camilla) they are far happier unions than their predecessors. While in the case of public figures we’ve never met, their private lives are none of our business, if we’re dealing with a loved one who has married their illicit paramour, it’s almost impossible not to have conflicted feelings. As all the songs go, cheaters often wonder, “how can something so wrong feel so right?” The family and friends of cheaters who end up marrying may wonder, “how can something that started so wrong ever turn out right?” When and how should folks segue from expressions of disappointment to proffering congratulations and best wishes?
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I think most of it has to do with the people involved in the affair. Camilla looks to be a decent person who genuinely loves Charles. Same thing with Mark Sanford– maybe the affair was mostly about him buckling under the pressure of living in the stifling social environment of leadership in the South Carolina Republican party. In his case, his affair was an opportunity for him to relax and get out of a toxic environment.
(Sure, a better option would have been for him and his wife to have said, “WTF are we doing in this mess? These expectations the conservatives have aren’t good for anyone; screw them!” and basically stuck it to the suffocating Republican cultural memes. But maybe this wasn’t possible for them.”
Rielle Hunter, on the other hand, did nothing good for Edwards. His personality abruptly changed for the worse after becoming involved with her, and his life prospects have turned to shit. I have long suspected her of being a sociopath; she certainly has a long history of parasitizing people.
The irony was that she played a kind of life coach to him– “if you stay with me, you will maximize your potential.” She therefore is lumped in my mind with everybody else who’s fancied themselves a self-help guru, promising untold happiness, enlightenment and wealth; while actually delivering broken dreams, ruined reputations and depleted bank accounts.