I’ve been writing very little memoir lately. But I contributed a little something to XOJane, and it runs today. I’d be particularly careful about reading the comments: My Ex-Wife Asked Me To Take Out Her Tampon.
No excerpt, because, well, the topic. Read it all here.
If I had been the wife in the story most likely *I* would have written about it first and beat you to it. I mean, there are some serious cases of TMI out there but I don’t think this is one of them. I can’t speak for your ex, but if it had been me I wouldn’t have a problem with it. If anything, if we were on good terms I may have even added an anecdote or two of my own in the comments.
Stuck tampons happen.
Hugo, something I’m wondering about:
You have to know that there are a whole lot of people out there who really don’t like you (putting it mildly). You must be aware of that. Why does it seem to not concern you in the least? It would really bother me to be in that situation; I would try to find out why so many people hate me and rectify it, so I can’t understand your stance on that at all. This isn’t one or two “haterz gonna be haterz” and you have to know that.
Can you break your policy of not responding to posters here and give me an idea of your way of thinking on that?
Of course it’s hard. It’s painful beyond words. But there’s very little I can do to change how these folks feel. Authentic expressions of regret they interpret as sociopathic manipulation. So there’s a liberation that comes in knowing you’ve done all you can do to reach out — dialogue, conversation, etc.
No one is required to publish me. No one is required to like me. I am not entitled to a platform, an audience, or forgiveness. The best I can do is be honest about who I am — and the very different man I was. I can be forthright with anyone who hires me or publishes me IN ADVANCE.
I know some people are triggered by me. They tell me so. Others — and I believe they are a greater number — appreciate my work and get value from it. I have a lot of people I check in with, an accountability team, and the love and support of friends and family.
I appreciate and value your writing, I just don’t usually feel the need to post about it.
I am sorry and a bit confused as to why this continues to be an issue, but clearly it is, for some anyway.
I had hoped the furor to be put to rest by now.
Your writing speaks for itself and the obsession people have with your past is now bordering on…well, obsession.
I’m glad your supporters continue to be loud and strong, at least if Facebook and the spaces you write in are any indication.
Head high and keep going!
Andrew Pari, LCSW,
I don’t get the intentional distortion. People hate Schwyzer for his ongoing actions, not his past.
Whether you and Schwyzer get that or not – or don’t want to see it or not – has no effect on the reality of the situation.
I don’t know, for me, even people that I don’t like or that advocate for things that I disagree with can still write something or create things that make me go “Heck yeah!”
I know nothing about Hugo personally — maybe he electrocutes kittens (but never chinchillas).
As for his past, the fact that he slept with his students doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that he felt he could write recommendations for them (THAT floored me. Affairs happen, but professional or academic recommendations for your lover? Absolute major serious no).
I have quibbles with some of his articles (y’all know my trigger issue).
But on the whole, I enjoy his writing.
It’s frustrating to see the debates about Hugo’s past, present, and his place in the feminist debate derail the discussion about his articles.
But where is your accountability? Why are you still in positions of leadership in feminist spaces? This is baffling and contradicting to what you had said you would do for accountability purposes. I’m doubting your good-faith efforts when you continue to publish and lead in areas where you are harmful. And I saw you leave comments on this article at xojane that seemed to be poking at commenters with cheekiness, rather than addressing some of the very real and valid concerns – mainly, did your ex-wife give her consent for you to write this intimate telling of a time when you were married?
Please examine your accountability measures and do better.
You’re asking a writer to stop writing?
In the movie “The Red Shoes” Lermontov asks Vicky “Why do you want to dance?”
And she answers “Why do you want to live?”
Asking Hugo to stop writing isn’t atonement. It’s shutting him down. It’s making something you don’t like disappear so it won’t bother you anymore, so you won’t have to engage in all those messy things like fighting and persuading and engaging in dialog. If you don’t like the tampon article, then debate the merits of the tampon article. I think criticism of his past and current place in feminism is valid as well, but not the mob mentality that’s attempting to drive him off the stage.
@Ellen – Maybe you are replying to someone else’s comment? I never suggested Hugo stop writing. I asked him to revisit his accountability process, a portion of which was removing himself from feminist and women-centered spaces. Hugo has a great deal to offer, but said himself that he should not be in a position of leadership for young women. Asking someone to remain accountable is not shutting them down.
I don’t understand why you would possibly have published this about your ex-wife. Did she agree to this? What were you thinking?
This story strikes me as being sad and strange.
First off–a lot of people have gone through an experience like this, and it’s a painful one to even hear described. A relationship is over, but you’re pretending everything is okay because it’s come as a short sharp shock and on top of that there’s no plan. There’s no clear plan on how to continue living together while you figure things out. The intimacy you once had floats around you just out of reach. And then suddenly it’s there again–briefly and reluctantly. So that part of the writing is poignant.
Having said that: I think you should have walked out the moment you realized she was unwilling to compromise. It’s one thing if someone’s just been going out with you to say “I don’t think this is working and I don’t think compromise is possible”, but to simply end a marriage in the middle of a vacation? And then to expect intimacy only on her terms? That’s not even friendship, in my books. That’s emotional dictatorship. Next time, walk out the door. That way the tampon incident won’t even happen to you, and she’ll have to call a doctor or nurse like any other individual who has no intimate relationship they rely on.
Hugo is an instructor at a community college who has not published anything in peer reviewed type places.
He’s nothing. He will die a nothing. He is a narcissistic, psychopathic zero who is projecting his own issues onto men in general. As a psychopath, he can’t imagine that men would have real feelings for women, and want them for something other than sexual objects – which is how Hugo views women.
A sick fuck who will die a sick fuck.
Good lord, just when I think Hugo can’t become a more disgusting creep…
So the short version is he went on a trip with his ex during which she came to her senses and dumped his creepy ass. He then helped her get a tampon out that had gotten stuck, and got a boner while doing it.
Beyond the issue of whether he got her OK for telling the world a embarrassing intimate story about her, what exactly was the point of this article? It comes off sounding like Hugo just wanted to tell a slightly dirty story about his ex.
I think it’s a cool story.