Mother’s day with Juanes

I’m a little bleary-eyed this morning after two back-to-back nights of five hours of sleep. Eating a vegan diet does enable me to cut back a bit on the number of hours I need, but I still seem to do best when I’ve had a minimum of six. Given how busy our lives are without human children, the real question we both have is how it is that we will adapt to having a kid. What does it look like when two Type A personalities who want to go-go-go 18 hours a day suddenly have a small child? No, we’re not announcing anything, folks — just musing together. Some things will have to give, and that’s a prospect that fills me with considerable ambivalence.

We’ve had some of my wife’s family in town, and last night, my wife, brother-in-law, and I took their mother to see Juanes at the Nokia Theater downtown. Juanes is, as most of my readers will know, one of Colombia’s two most famous rock stars (the sublime Shakira is the other). We’ve been fans of his for years, and even though I have only a limited understanding of his lyrics, I’ve always found his pop hooks to be particularly infectious. It was a delight to see so many multi-generational groups in the audience last night; though my wife and I brought her dear mother, I saw several grandmother-daughter-granddaughter pairings enjoying a Mother’s Day evening out together. The audience was, of course, overwhelmingly Latino, but not exclusively so.

When Juanes dedicated one number to the Afro-Colombian people, my wife and mother-in-law exploded with delight. My mother-in-law was born into an African-Colombian family in Santa Marta, on the northeastern Colombian coast; she bequeathed to my wife that marvelous mixed heritage of West African, Spanish, and indigenous American influences. Too often in Colombia, “whites” ignore or malign the sizable Afro-Colombian minority. To have Juanes, the consummate Colombian rock star and perhaps, after Juan Valdez, the nation’s most recognizable male export, celebrate the African influence on his country and his music was welcome indeed.

I danced in the aisles. While my wife and in-laws moved their hips with easy and rhythmic abandon, I danced in that traditionally self-conscious white boy way. When it comes to distance running, I know how to center myself in my core. When it comes to dancing, however, my center seems to be located in my trapezius muscles, and I scrunch my shoulders and rotate them while shuffling my feet. I was teased good-naturedly by my family and by others around me, but I was happy as a clam. The fact that I understood about 50% of what Juanes said from the stage struck me as a special triumph.

Irony-free in SB

We spent the day back up in Santa Barbara; it was the first time my brother, sisters, and I had all been together since before our father died nearly two years ago.

This morning, my ten-month old nephew Matthew Hubert was honored in a “naming” ceremony at the Santa Barbara Unitarian Society. I’m fairly accustomed to being around earnest, sweet, doctrinally vague, and unfailingly left-leaning Unitarians. But my wife and I couldn’t hold it together, when, after a service filled with virtually every cliche in the Book of Progressive Religion, the minister asked us to — yes, you know it — join hands and sing “Kumbaya.” My beloved and I did quarter-turns away from each other as we clutched hands, knowing that if our eyes met we would both lose it completely.

How often does the phrase “we’re not going to hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’” make its way into our discourse? And yet, in all my church-going experience, I’d never actually been asked to do it. Oh, I’ve held hands with my fellow worshippers; I’ve sung Kumbaya a time or two. But I’ve never had these two activities combined into the great archetypal experience of well-meaning liberalism.

The Santa Barbara Unitarian Society, bless ‘em all, is an irony-free zone.

Love trumps aesthetics: of books, music, desire, and deal-breakers

Jill and Amanda both had posts up on Monday about the “Pushkin Problem”: the issue of love, disparate literary taste, and “deal-breakers”. Their posts were inspired by this Sunday Times piece: It’s Not You, It’s Your Books. It begins:

Some years ago, I was awakened early one morning by a phone call from a friend. She had just broken up with a boyfriend she still loved and was desperate to justify her decision. “Can you believe it!” she shouted into the phone. “He hadn’t even heard of Pushkin!”

We’ve all been there. Or some of us have. Anyone who cares about books has at some point confronted the Pushkin problem: when a missed — or misguided — literary reference makes it chillingly clear that a romance is going nowhere fast.

As of this morning, there are 114 comments below Jill’s excellent reflection, and twice that many below Amanda’s. And all of this has me thinking about deal-breakers, both past and present, when it came to dating or marriage.

I didn’t have my first real girlfriend until I was 17 and a senior in high school. Before that, I spent a great deal of time talking with my friends — and fantasizing to myself — about what the “ideal girl” for me would be like. I’m not talking about physical attributes, though that sort of fantasizing was not absent from my reveries. I’m talking about taste. Like so many teenagers, I cared a great deal about books and music. It was the early-to-mid-1980s, after all, and I was in perhaps the only stage of my life where music (this meant records and tapes) was hugely important. I went back and forth between listening to Sixties folk-rock and early ’80s pop-punk; Joan Baez and The Clash were indispensable components of my adolescent soundtrack. And sometime in 1983, before I had even been properly kissed, I declared, with puerile self-righteousness, that “I would never date a girl who likes Duran Duran.” As best I can remember, this was the first of many “statements of exclusion.” Continue reading

“Not a Presby, nor a Luth’ran” — an old Episcopal youth camp song

On an entirely different note, this song came into my head today. My mother sang it to me when I was a child. She learned it from her roommate at Vassar in the mid-1950s; her roommate had sung it at an Episcopalian youth camp. I’ve sung it myself for many of my Episcopalian friends (including priests and the current bishop of Los Angeles), and to my amazement, none of them know it. So here it is, and it is to be sung to the tune of “God Bless America”:

I am an Anglican,
I am C.E.:
Neither high church
Nor low church,
I am Protestant and Catholic and Free!

Not a Presby,
Nor a Luth’ran
Nor a Baptist, white with foam;
I am an Anglican –
Just one step from Rome!
I am an Anglican —
Just one step from Rome!

Whether it’s theologically true any longer is debatable, but the bit about the Baptist is pretty darned good.

Dan Fogelberg, 1951-2007

Trusting that most folks observe the de mortuis nihil nisi bonum rule, let me note with sadness the passing of Dan Fogelberg. His Greatest Hits album was one I listened to constantly my sophomore year of high school. I was very much into punk at the same time, listening to mainstream bands like the Clash and more obscure artists ranging from Stiff Little Fingers to Johnny Thunders. But though I pretended to share my friends’ enthusiasm for say, Jodie Foster’s Army, I played my Fogelberg cassette in secret in my room. I wasn’t a popular kid when I was fifteen, of course; but admitting that I teared up everytime I heard “Run for the Roses” would have been the end of whatever social credibility I enjoyed.

I’ve been listening, on the verge of weepiness, to “Same Old Lang Syne” over and over again the last two days. Dear readers, think of the confidence it takes to admit to this!

Do wait for future posts paying tribute to David Gates and Bread; Seals and Crofts; and Helen Reddy.

“Find out what it means to me”: some thoughts on respect, chivalry, and campaigns against sexual violence

Vanessa posted last week about the Coaching Boys into Men program, a product of the New York Family Violence Prevention Fund. Vanessa posts one of the flyers produced by the program; it features a boy in an orange hoodie with the words “Awaiting Instructions” emblazoned across the front. And the instructions the boy receives:

1. Eat your vegetables
2. Don’t play with matches
3. Finish your homework
4. Respect women

And in the comments section at Feministing, there’s a mix of praise and criticism for the campaign, mostly revolving around the “problematic” meaning of “respect” for women. ProFeministMale writes:

…often times, when I hear the general, non-feminist public teach young boys to “respect” women, I get the impression that a lot of what they’re teaching also involves “chivalry,” to to see women as somehow being “different,” that they’re nimble and weak and need to young boys and men to serve as the “protectors.”

This is a good idea – but I can’t help but think these boys are also being indoctrinated into gender roles that so much of the world is buying into.

In the various workshops I’ve put on for young men (and not so-young-men) in church and school settings, I’ve talked a lot about the real meaning of one of my favorite words, “respect.” (And if you’re thinking of the Aretha Franklin song now, hold on, I’ll get to it.)

I often start by writing the word “respect” on a flip chart or chalkboard, and then ask the folks I’m working with to play the word association game with me. Everyone gets to throw out the first thing that comes into their head when they hear or see the word. As you might expect, I get a lot of different definitions. Some people do think of chivalry; almost always, someone will say that “opening the door for a woman” is the first thing that he thinks of when he hear the word. Others will offer a negative definition, suggesting that “respect” is more about what you don’t do than what you do: “It’s like watching your language around a girl”; “It’s about not grabbing her just ’cause you want to”; (I remember that definition vividly from one high school group), “It’s treating her as a girl and not like a guy.” I write as many of the definitions and word associations on the board as I can. Continue reading

Ten Favorite Albums, 1970-76

I flippantly remarked today that my favorite musical era is marked by the period between the Kent State shootings (May 1970) and the election of Jimmy Carter (November 1976). And so, here are ten of my favorite albums from that period. I turned three the month Kent State happened; I was nine when Carter defeated Ford. (The 1976 presidential election was the first one I followed closely, and I walked precincts in Carmel for Carter-Mondale that fall).

I’d take all of these albums to a desert island with me. Of course, I’d love to have them on original vinyl with that wonderful “hiss and pop” sound that came with an old-fashioned record.

I’m limiting myself to one album per artist, and though I might change the order a week from now, I’m ranking them as follows:

1. “Late For The Sky“, Jackson Browne. There are very few albums from any era on which every single track is a gem. This is one such recording. I burned through two cassettes before I finally got the CD. Favorite Track: “Before the Deluge.”

2. “Pieces of the Sky“, Emmylou Harris. Favorite Tracks: “Boulder to Birmingham”, “Queen of the Silver Dollar”

3. “The Last of the Red Hot Burritos“, Flying Burrito Brothers. Favorite Track: “High Fashion Queen”

4. “Turnstiles“, Billy Joel. Favorite Track: “I’ve Loved These Days”

5. “Blood On The Tracks“, Bob Dylan. My favorite Dylan album ever, hands down. Favorite track: “Shelter From the Storm.”

6. “Manassas“, Steven Stills and Manassas. Favorite track: “The Treasure (Take One)”

7. “Eagles“, The Eagles. Everyone says “Hotel California” is the essential Eagles album, but I’ll take their self-titled debut. Favorite song: “Peaceful, Easy Feeling.”

8. “Blue“, Joni Mitchell. Who doesn’t love this album? Most people pick the wonderful “Carey” as their favorite song, but I’ll go with “This Flight Tonight”.

9. “Madman Across the Water“, Elton John. Obviously, “Tiny Dancer” is one of the greatest songs ever, but I’ll select the title cut as my fav.

10. “Harvest“, Neil Young. Favorite track: “A Man Needs A Maid.”

And the bonus album is obvious:

Born to Run“, Bruce Springsteen.

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Tearing up

There are a few hymns that are guaranteed to make me cry, every time. The spirituals like “Oh, Freedom” tend to do it. “Great is thy Faithfulness” can do it, depending on the orchestration (it can soar, or be very tendentious.) “Guide me, oh thou Great Jehovah” is great, and makes me think of Welsh rugby. “Lift Every Voice and Sing” frequently makes me a bit teary. But for some reason, I always come undone when we sing “St. Patrick’s Breastplate.” The tune is murderously hard (makes “Lift Every Voice” seem easy), but cripes, it just flattens me. And it flattened me today.

Plugging Tara and Meg

I know I have readers in Austin. I’m gonna plug my old friend and former student, Tara Craig; she’s got a free gig tomorrow night at Austin Java; other upcoming gigs are listed on her Myspace page. I’ve seen her perform many times, and I wrote a short post about her a couple of years ago. Hey, there aren’t many lesbian Christian folk singers out there, at least not many with talent — and none of whom I am as deeply fond as I am of my buddy Tara. Check her out.

She’ll be performing next month in Austin with another singer/former student of mine, Meg Baier. Check out her site as well.