I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe: on guys and SlutWalk

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Eleven days out from SlutWalk LA, my weekly column at Good Men Project looks at why men should join the movement.

Excerpt:

When I was first publicly identified as an organizer of SlutWalk LA, someone sent me a tweet asking how I’d feel if my daughter turned out to be “a slut.” It’s not as offensive a question as it sounds. It was a reminder to me as a dad that I shouldn’t advocate for others what I wouldn’t want for my own child.

What I replied (in more than one 140 character tweet) was that my daughter was foremost in my mind when I committed to the SlutWalk campaign. I want a world where she is free to grow into a woman’s body without fear of being raped. I want her to have the freedom to express her sexuality safely and joyfully in whatever way she chooses, whenever she’s ready (and not a moment before). And I want her to grow up without shame about her own wanting and about her wanting to be wanted.

I want my daughter to grow up in a world in which all men are safe, responsible, reliable. We don’t have that world yet, of course. But the reason has nothing to do with biology: it has to do with our crushingly low expectations of men’s capacity to reconcile lust and humanity. In order for our daughters and little sisters and nieces to be safer, we must demand better of ourselves as men. And one way to start is to challenge the very roots of our thinking about sex, desire, and respect. That challenge is part of what SlutWalk is all about.

SlutWalk LA Press Release

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Though I’ve been fighting the flu, I made it out of the house last night to the first organizing meeting for SlutWalk LA. As the worldwide phenomenon continues to generate important discussion around rape, sexual agency, privilege and violence, we’re proud to be hosting our very own SlutWalk on June 4 in West Hollywood. Here’s our press release, written by Alixandria Lopez with the rest of our steering committee.

Note: the decision was made collectively: we are working to reclaim the word “slut.”

Confirmed speakers include Morgane Richardson, Alana Evans (link NSFW), Forest Nui Cobalt, Shira Tarrant, Hugo Schwyzer, Sara Barrett, Ikoi Hiroe, G Pe Benito. And more!

We’ll be partnering with Sex Workers Outreach Project and many other community organizations. We welcome other like-minded groups who want to table or leaflet with us.

Slutwalk Movement Hits the LA Area; Fights Against Victim Blaming

On June 4, 2011, the Slutwalk march will be held at West Hollywood Park, 647 North San Vicente Blvd, West Hollywood at 12:00 PM. Slutwalk is a rally and march designed to end rape, victim blaming — and to reclaim the word “slut.”

Los Angeles, California May 19, 2011 — On Saturday, June 4, West Hollywood will be teeming with sluts. Women, men, and children of all different ages, ethnic backgrounds, and gender identities will gather at 12:00 PM at West Hollywood Park in an attempt to put a stop to victim blaming in situations of sexual violence.

The LA Slutwalk will consist of a rally and a walk. Guest speakers – including performance artists, sex workers, academics, anti-violence activists and others — will provide personal testimonies. With representation from a variety of sources, the LA Slutwalk is not an event to miss.

“We really wanted to participate in a Slutwalk,” said Chelsea Delgadillo, a student at Cal Poly Pomona and one of the creators of Slutwalk LA, “Since there wasn’t one in the area, we decided to make one ourselves.”

The Slutwalk movement originated in Toronto, Canada in response to a police officer’s statement that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order to not be victimized.” After successfully holding a Slutwalk in Toronto, the movement has spread to major cities around the world, finally reaching the Los Angeles area.

For more information, please visit our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/laslutwalk), or contact the members of the SlutWalk LA organizing committee.

Olga Ivesic olgaivesic@yahoo.com
Chelsea Delgadillo chelseadelgadillo@gmail.com
Katie Landers katie.landers.swla@gmail.com
Antonia Maria Del Campo toneofthecountry@gmail.com
Hugo Schwyzer hbschwyzer@gmail.com

“Your body is not so powerful it can drive others to distraction”: a letter to a teenage girl about clothing, modesty, and Slutwalk

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

As the controversy over SlutWalk hits the mainstream media, provoking a larger conversation about sexuality, safety, privilege and rape, I wanted to revisit this “letter to a teen girl”.

Rachel Hills, who blogs at Musings of an Inappropriate Woman, recently posed this question from her 16 year-old self: how do I stop creepy old men from hitting on me? Rachel writes that she didn’t get a satisfactory answer when she was young, and she still doesn’t get good answers today.

As a feminist and a father, a professor and a former youth leader with years of experience working with teens, I thought I’d take a shot at answering Rachel’s query.

If I were writing to a 16 year-old named Rachel, I’d say:

Dear Rachel,

I wish that I could offer you specific fashion tips that would guarantee that creepy older guys wouldn’t hit on you. For that matter, I wish I could share with you how to dress in a manner that would assure that your peers wouldn’t frequently judge you, either to your face or behind your back. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how to ensure those things — because the sad truth is that no matter how you dress, no matter what you wear, you will be perceived by some men as a target for their unwanted advances.

You may have heard people say things like “girls who wear short skirts are asking for ‘it’”. By “it” they may mean anything from rape to crude comments and penetrating stares. But as you may already have noticed, girls aren’t immune from harassment when they’re wearing simple or “modest” garb either. I’ve had plenty of students who’ve been accosted while wearing sweatpants or long dresses. I’ve had Muslim students who chose to wear head coverings, and they’ve been harassed both religiously and sexually. The bottom line is that there’s nothing you can wear that will guarantee respect from others. And the reason is that the root of this problem isn’t skin or clothing, it’s our cultural contempt for women and girls.

Have you noticed the way this works yet? If a girl is thin, she’s accused of being “anorexic”; if her weight is higher than the cruelly restrictive ideal, she’s “fat” and “doesn’t take care of herself” or “has no self-control.” If she wears cute, trendy clothes she “only wants attention” and if she wears sweats and jeans, she “doesn’t make an effort.” If she’s perceived as sexually attractive, and — especially — if she shows her own sexual side, she’s likely to be called a “slut.” If her sexuality and her body are concealed, she’s a “prude.” As you’ve probably figured out, the cards are stacked against you. You cannot win, at least not if you define winning as dressing and behaving in a way likely to win approval (or at least decent respect) from everyone.

The advice I’m going to give may sound clichéd, but it’s important nonetheless: you should dress in a style that makes you comfortable. Continue reading →

“We vastly underestimate teen girls’ sexual agency”: Kerry Cohen on SlutWalk

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Kerry Cohen and I met when she wrote me last fall to ask to quote a snippet from The Paris Paradox: How Sexualization Replaces Opportunity with Obligation for a forthcoming book. We’ve been corresponding ever since.

Kerry’s most famous book is Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity, a moving and painful account of her own sexual journey. Writing as Kerry Cohen Hoffmann, she’s also penned a great book for young adults on the same subject, Easy. She’s got several other titles for teens and adults.

Kerry, who has both an MFA in writing and an MA in counseling psychology, is the author of two forthcoming books, Seeing Ezra: A Mother’s Story of Autism, Unconditional Love, and the Meaning of Normal and Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity. (I’ve read an advance copy of the latter, and it’s superb. I’ll be reviewing it later in the summer as its official release date approaches.)

Because Kerry has written so often and so widely about teens, shame, promiscuity and sexualization, I wanted to know how she felt about the SlutWalk campaign that has suddenly gone worldwide this spring. I sent her some questions, she gave some great answers, and they’re below the fold. Continue reading →

Redeeming the Slut: a response to Gail Dines

Posted on May 9, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

As one of the organizers of next month’s SlutWalk Los Angeles, I’ve noted with some sadness that this movement has been met with misunderstanding from many. How, the question is asked over and over, is it liberating for women to co-opt a hate-filled word like “slut”? Is this really the best way to fight against sexual violence?

The latest pushback against SlutWalk comes in today’s Guardian, and it comes from two renowned feminists, Gail Dines and Wendy Murphy. In their op-ed SlutWalk is Not Sexual Liberation, Dines and Murphy assert that

… the focus on “reclaiming” the word slut fails to address the real issue. The term slut is so deeply rooted in the patriarchal “madonna/whore” view of women’s sexuality that it is beyond redemption. The word is so saturated with the ideology that female sexual energy deserves punishment that trying to change its meaning is a waste of precious feminist resources.

Dines and Murphy should know better. There is a long and well-documented history of how slanderous epithets are transformed by the very people who were their targets. Think of “Bitch” (now the name of one of the most respected feminist magazines on the market) or “Cunt” (the title of Inga Muscio’s brave and groundbreaking modern classic.) Think too of the complex use of “nigger” (or “nigga”) in African-American pop culture, and of the way in which a younger generation of gay and lesbian folk have embraced “Queer.” All of these words began as cruel insults; all have been “reclaimed” by those whom the words were intended to wound.

The word “reclaim” itself is misunderstood. In the SlutWalk movement, we talk often about reclaiming the word “Slut”. Critics ask if there ever was a time when the word was using approvingly. How, they ask, can you “reclaim” as empowering something rooted in judgment and hostility? But as the dictionary will tell you, “reclaim” has multiple meanings. It’s rooted in the Latin reclamare: “to cry out” in protest. Continue reading →

SlutWalking in L.A.

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

Just over a month ago, Toronto hosted the world’s first “Slutwalk” against sexual violence. Since then, the Slutwalk movement has grown exponentially, and dozens of satellite marches across the globe have taken place or are in the planning stages.

I wrote a post last month called Standing with the Sluts (so far, my most-linked piece of 2011) And I’m proud to be part of the steering committee that’s bringing a Slutwalk to Los Angeles! Our Facebook page is here and our “event” page is here.

We’re gathering in West Hollywood Park on Saturday, June 4, at 12 noon. We’re marching to reclaim a word, we’re marching to declare zero tolerance for harassment and sexual abuse, we’re marching in defense of the basic notion that whatever women wear and whomever they sleep with, they are entitled to dignity and respect in public and in private.

I’ll be among the speakers at “SlutWalk LA”, or SWLA as we’re abbreviating it. Please come and join us (or look up a satellite Slutwalk if you’re elsewhere).

Standing with the Sluts

Posted on April 6, 2011 by Hugo Schwyzer

This past Sunday, the world’s first “Slut Walk” took place on the chilly streets of Toronto, Canada. The official site is here. The march was organized in response to the infuriating remarks of a police constable, who told a safety workshop at a Canadian university that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.” (The officer has apologized, but it’s evident that his trogolodytic view of sex and responsibility remains widely held.)

I’ve written many times in support of women’s right to wear what they want in public without fear of harassment or harm. This includes both revealing and concealing clothing; I’ve written in favor of the right to go topless in public and in opposition to bans on headscarves and burqas.

There are so many things that trouble me about the obsession with regulating women’s bodies. But as a man, I am particularly exasperated at the assumption that lies beneath the insistence on modesty: the myth that men cannot control themselves. As feminists often point out, the real “man-haters” are those who promote modest dress for women out of the belief that men lack self-control. There is nothing more contemptuous than the suggestion that those of us with penises and Y chromosomes are prisoners of our biology, liable to rape or commit infidelity at the first sign of cleavage. The myth of male weakness sells us woefully, heartbreakingly short.

I honor SlutWalk for many reasons. But I appreciate one assumption that the organizers made in particular. Though what constitutes “slutty” clothing is obviously open to debate, SlutWalkers believe in men’s capacity to do two things at once: be aroused by what we see while honoring the humanity of the woman whose body attracts our eye. The most pernicious of all lies about men is that because of our make-up, lust and empathy can’t coexist within us. If you want kind and compassionate men who will respect women’s boundaries, the myth suggests, those women will have to conceal the parts of themselves that will turn men bestial and irresponsible.

We present women with a brutal binary: hide your sexuality and be respected; show your sexuality and be slut-shamed, harassed, or worse. But if ever there were a false dichotomy, rooted in ignorance about male identity, male biology, and male potential, this is it. While none of us want to live in a culture where women are compelled to display those parts of themselves they’d like to keep private, none of us should settle for living in a society where women are compelled to conceal those parts of themselves they’d occasionally like to display.

Men rape and harass not because of biological imperative but because of cultural permission. To paraphrase George W. Bush, we treat men with the “soft bigotry of low expectations.” Of course, the real price for those low expectations is paid by women, who become responsible for managing and redirecting what we refuse to expect men to manage for themselves.

As a feminist, as a man, and as a father to a daughter, I stand with the “sluts of Toronto” – and with women everywhere who demand the right to be treated with decency regardless of their attire.